This is the third installment on my series of notes from the Stress Workshop I attended last week hosted by our school district…
Once the speaker, psychologist Lou Bevilacqua, defined stress and who gets it, he gave some basic tips on what to do.
First, he said the following strategies do NOT work:
and finally,
I attended a workshop sponsored by our school district last Wednesday. It was run by a middle school guidance counselor, and the speaker was a local psychiatrist. You can read about his profile here.
It was meant for parents, but I attended as both a mother AND a teacher in the district.
We are a large, suburban school district in a town that holds the county seat. We are predominantly White, with a growing population of Asian and Indian, some Black and finally a Latino/ELL population. We are not without our challenges, but all press and data indicates that we are among the strongest in the state and nation.
The topic was supposed to be about stress of your children and how to help them, but what actually unfolded (from my perspective, anyway) was chilling. By the end of the week, I’ll have explained what I mean, so be sure to keep coming back every day!
Many times, these events are preaching to the choir: those who attended are the parents who are already doing the right thing because they attend workshops about parenting. But this time, all the right people were in the seats… but for all the wrong reasons. And I fear that the message somehow got lost. This is not to discredit the speaker, however. I think as the evening progressed, both he and I realized that the focus of the night was shifting and there was not much to be done about it… except to maybe hold another night dedicated to that same topic of stress.
It was only 1.5 hours. The first half an hour was dedicated to speaker, presenting on:
From there, it was to open up as a discussion/Q and A period, where people could write questions on note cards and receive advice to best help their children deal with stressors in their lives… that’s when it got really interesting.
The GC (guidance counselor) did mention that this was intended to be the first in a series of talks, so there is some hope that the same crowd will come back… and when I say “crowd,” I mean about 250 people in a small administration room. And I don’t even think it was publicized that much; I’m sure if there was another night with more advertising, we could easily move the venue to one of the middle schools and fill at least half of the auditorium.
In fact, that reminds me- I need to write to the GC about that prospect… (I actually taught in her building for 13 years, so we have a rapport.)
As I said, I had attended as both a parent AND a teacher. But in all honesty, I also attended as my blogging/writing self since I had planned to write about the night on this #153Promise site. I had managed to speak with him for a minute or two after the engagement, exchange cards, and even get a promotional picture. It was important to me to get his permission to write about the workshop, and he was very nice.
So make it the #153Promise to come back every day this week to find out what I learned about stress and your children. You’ll be surprised to know that the audience taught me a lot more than the psychologist…
Did you know that a whopping 70% of the general public will experience a traumatic event, and of those who do, 20% go on to develop PTSD?
Children lack the proper coping mechanisms, so they are particularly vulnerable.
War is not the only way to get PTSD. Other traumatic events can include:
The key to not developing PTSD in the first place is to get immediate aftercare. But if that did not happen, it’s not too late to seek treatment for your child months or even years afterward.
Some of the symptoms of PTSD, according to the Mayo Clinic and WebMD re:
For students, these may also manifest as lowered grades or discipline problems at school.
Every child deserves to feel at peace and safe in their environment. You never know if something they experienced may have been recorded as a trauma in their brain and they need professional help to learn how to re-regulate their emotions.
If your child starts to begin to display any of the signs above, or if they or your family has experienced any of the major events listed above, please make the #153Promise to contact their guidance counselor and share your concerns.
They may need validation from someone who understands what they are going through.
-KissesXxXx
Now’s the time to select courses for next year. Placing your child in the correct classes is a very important decision and can set the stage for either a pleasant year, or a stressful one.
You child’s teachers have been monitoring their progress since September. They know the strengths and weaknesses of your child and also know about the requirements of the courses for next year.
If your child is doing well this year, that’s not necessarily an indication that they should be ‘bumped up’ a level. Unless they are making high As and say they want more of a challenge, you may be setting up your child to be stretched too thin next year.
Conversely, if you have a student who’s been struggling all year, you may want to ask the teacher’s opinion about actually dropping down a level. There’s no shame in admitting that your child is in over their head.
If your child is going into or currently in high school, I’d also take your child’s desires into consideration when planning for post graduation. Do not automatically assume they are going into college. If they are not self motivated and/or do not like school or reading, then they very likely will not see the value in getting up to go to classes, preparing for them, writing the papers and studying for the few tests they will have. You may want to discuss career options that include technical training. They may be able to learn skills that give them the chance to get a career with opportunity for growth in a field they enjoy.
Think about the years 18-22: would you rather pay for tuition where they’re barely passing, or have them make their own money, learn independence, and feel pride that they are making a wage doing honorable work?
An education should be to discover what your child can learn and achieve- not what they can’t do. You may ‘know’ your child, but in this area, their teachers know more. You may see them doing their work at home, but if the teacher records zeros for assignments not handed in, your child may be sending you a coded message. They may be in their room ‘studying’ all night, but if they are not testing well, have you quizzed them on the material the night before to make sure they knew the content?
True, every child deserves opportunities. But if a teacher thinks the child is truly not at the point of readiness for a certain step in their education, then the opportunity you may actually be providing is to set them up for failure.
Please keep your own ego and motivation in check if you are considering overriding either your child or their teacher’s thoughts regarding class selection for next year.
Make it your #153Promise to trust the teachers to know what’s best regarding your child’s scholastic abilities to give your child every opportunity to succeed.
-Kisses! XxXx
My ten year old daughter loves it when I write her notes in the morning before I go off to school since I leave before she wakes up. It starts off her day feeling loved, even though I’m not there to wish her well.
So when I saw a free journal up for grabs at the used book store, I took it.
Now, when I write a note, I no longer scrounge around the house for a lone scrap of paper- I turn a page of the journal. She’s also taken to writing back to me.
This way, we’ll have a nice memory of all the notes written back and forth.
Make the #153Promise to honor your children in small but meaningful ways, everyday, by starting a memoir of your daily love in ink.
-Kisses! XxXx
February is Black History Month, a teacher at my school helped to create a poetry project. She and another adult at one of our sister high schools made an all-call for poetry regarding our own family history. I don’t want to put words in their mouths, but I think their objective for the project was to go beyond race to embrace everyone’s history.
The prompt to get us to create a submission asked us how we plan to contribute to our family’s legacy.
This is what I came up with:
“Cerberus”
On the floor
Gasping for air
A woman-
A mother-
A child-
In one, suffering body.
She screams through sobs, snot and regret.
“Oh God! Take this pain away!”
A journey this low created by decades-
Of shame
And guilt
And fear.
Sometimes, the only way out-
up
Is
Something larger than herself grabs her,
Pulls her-
Away from that destiny written by the women
Generations before her.
Lifting her bosom and eyes to the sky,
She rejects the path
Of shame
And guilt
And fear.
And she says:
“Oh God, I see the pattern of broken, woven threads.
I see the cross, heavy from the burden of judgement.
I see the toxic mold others have crafted for me…
But I WILL NOT go with the flow.
I WILL NOT carry the load
I WILL NOT contort my spirit
to conform to a lineage of dysfunction.
Breaking the cycle
Of shame
And guilt
And fear
She stands.
On her own two feet.
Undefeated,
Learning her new name.
Stronger without blame.
Wiser from her pain.
She’s making
For herself… for her inner child…. And her daughter.
Explanation
A “Cerberus” is a Greek mythological creature. It appears as a three headed dog that serves to guard the underworld and prevents those in Hell from leaving. (Technically, the picture above is Krampus; I couldn’t find a fitting royalty-free Cerberus… go figure.)
My “Cerberus” was shame, guilt and fear, instilled during my childhood.
A little introspection and family of origin work gave me the insight that emotional dysregulation can be inherited, if not necessarily genetic.
I made the #153Promise to myself and my children that I would end that cycle of emotional abuse and make proactive parenting decisions that promote positive mental health and wellness.
What’s your legacy???
-Kisses! XxXx
I had a phone conference with my publisher a little over a week ago and he said something that really stuck in my craw- he questioned that I am a legitimate expert regarding kids’ issues.
Really???
“Yeah…” he continued, “being a teacher doesn’t make you an expert. I mean, when was the last time a parent goes into a school and asks to see a really good teacher because their kids won’t eat their vegetables? They go to a doctor. You’re just not an authority in that arena.”
That’s when I heard that giant record scratch, the music stops, and it’s about to get really intense.
Mind you, this man does not have children; he’s never had to go to anybody about ANY children’s issues. That’s when I should have just let it go in one ear and out the other. But I tend to be a little — what’s the word — obsessive about certain issues, so I stewed. I mulled. I percolated.
I vented to my husband yesterday for, like, the eight thousandth time, listing all the point that DO indeed qualify me to be an authority in parenting. He patiently listened (bless him!) to which he finally said, “You should write them all down and use that for your promotions.” He’s right! At the risk of sounding pompous, I DO need to build a case for why I am a good person to listen to when it comes to raising a child. Just suppose I get successful enough that people start to notice me. Critics love to tear people a new one. I better get working on my best game play. In the spirit of an good offense being the strongest defense, I offer to you why I AM an expert, dagnabbit:
So yeah… I think being a teacher makes me an expert.
My district has parent teacher conferences this week. Make it your #153Promise this week to touch base with your children’s teachers and ask them how your kid is doing and how you can support them to achieve their best. Trust that the teachers have your kids’ best interests at heart. And believe them.
After all, we are experts.
-Kisses! XxXx
Empathize!
At first, one may think it’s the same as Validate, but not so.
I like to think of it this way… Do you know that famous saying adopted from the Native American culture, “Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes”? Well, I am a very literal person, so that means that I STOLE their shoes! (Also meaning it’s impossible to know 100% what ANOTHER person must feel.) Instead, I like to think of it as:
“Walk down the PATH they’ve walked; then see how YOU feel.”
The moment I start doing that with my students, I develop a much better relationship with them. A kid doesn’t have their homework because they got home late from a swim meet and they were tired? I get it…. I now have a ten year old and I am now walking the walk. Sometimes, it just doesn’t get done.
It’s easier to do that to someone else’s kid because there’s the distance factor… But it’s really easy so say to our own family members, “I AM walking that path.“
But are you???
When was the last time you were smaller than everybody else? When was the last time you had almost ZERO control over your circumstances? When was the last time someone ELSE paid your rent/mortgage and held it against you? Or chose what you had to eat? Or wear?
Hmmmm…. kind of sounds like prison, right?
My point is not to start indulging our kids all the time; but maybe we should stop some times and try to feel their angst. Their pain. Their fear and frustration. Maybe then, we’ll be less likely to judge their actions if we understand what motivates them.
THEN, we can Validate them and work to find some common ground.
Make the #153Promise to Walk their Path.
-Kisses! XxXx
Quick Quiz:
What is the U.S. of A.’s national symbol?
Can you imagine if “B” were the symbol of the U.S. Military? There’s a reason one of the world’s Super Powers’ wants to be associated with keen eye sight. It keeps us protected.
Observation is a powerful tool.
As a teacher, I have to report students’ observable behavior to case managers and guidance counselors all the time. It’s called “Progress Monitoring.”
Santa sees children when they are both sleeping and awake.
We, as a society, are under surveillance everywhere we go. Kind of creepy, until you become a victim of a crime and law enforcement can pull up video to catch a suspect.
How observant are you regarding your own children?
I’ll admit, there seems to be a fine line between observing and spying. But your children are under your charge. They are minors living under your roof and you do NOT need a warrant in order to seize and search the items you pay for.
I think there’s a right and a wrong way to do it, though.
I was under strict surveillance growing up. I think it was too much. I had no voice at home (more on that later) and everything I did was criticized. I wasn’t a bad kid; my dad was paranoid. As a result, ironically, it backfired and I did and hid things just to have some part of my life that wasn’t under their thumb.
My father’s observation was unwarranted (figuratively!) so it was a major source of stress in my life. He also was sneaky about it and didn’t just keep a watchful parental eye over my life- he snooped. So did my mother. As a result, I felt very violated. And I did the only thing I could think of: I rebelled… but I had to in a very passive aggressive way, or I’d get in BIG trouble. That’s not the tactic to take when observing.
Rather, you set up the parameters and boundaries AHEAD of time. You articulate consequences BEFORE infractions. And you let them know that if you ever suspect something concerning, you will TELL them what you OBSERVED and then request to observe more data to either dispel or confirm your fears that they may be doing something that is putting them in harm’s way. And, of course, you say it in a kind — rather than threatening — tone.
It’s called transparency.
If you children think that you can see right through them, your conscience will guide them when you are not physically around.
How are they behaving in school? Who are their friends and what are they texting? Are they are where they say they are? Do they eat their lunch you pack?
Make it your #153Promise to be an eagle; not an ostrich.
-Kisses! XxXx
*I did the research, and technically, their heads are in sand a lot to check on their eggs… which are buried in the sand. So you still get a gold star for the day. I was focusing on the popularly accepted metaphor. (Just in case some ornithologist is reading my post!)
I made a post a while back on my acronym for LOVE. It’s such an important concept that I thought each letter deserves its own day.
“Listen” is the first word that spells out how to love (according to me). If you don’t listen to someone, communication and trust breaks down, and it’s pretty difficult (if not impossible) for them to believe anything you say to them.
My daughter gave me the perfect example last night.
We were all eating dinner last night- my husband, our ten year old daughter, our three year old son, and me. My daughter is from a two-household situation, so she’s with us Mondays, Tuesdays and every other weekend. It stinks, but we manage. Of the time she’s with us, Mondays and Fridays are gymnastics, and my husband works on Fridays and Saturdays. Therefore, Tuesday nights are the only time we can have an extended dinner together. Again, it stinks, but we make the most of the time, being thankful that we make that part of the week a priority.
Picture the table: I’m talkative and love to reflect on my day. Our son is a ball of white lighting and can easily dominate. My husband, when he speaks, usually says something of deep import. And then there’s our daughter.
She’s does have her chatty moments, but in general, she’s a monosyllabic girl. When I ask her how her day went, “Fine” is usually what I get. Such was the case last night. But a few minutes later, in between second helpings of rice and chili, and our son’s random musings, I managed to hear “I cried in school today… ”
She then proceeded to unravel a convoluted thread of fifth grade drama involving a group project, conflicting ideas, allegations of copying, and bruised egos. It clearly was important to her. I listened to her and gave her my full attention. I asked her if she’s okay now (she said she was) and she said, “I guess it’s just been an emotional week for me, with…” and then she emoted even more. About being from a divorce situation; her great grandmother dying this week; course selection for middle school… I offered to contact her teacher on her behalf and reassured her that we’re there for her.
Imagine if, when she first said about her crying, I hadn’t listened to her. What if I had just said, “Okay, Honey” and went on with my business? It would have destroyed her. Or what if we never made time to talk as a family?
Make the #153Promise to connect with your children on a daily basis to ask them about their day and really listen. It doesn’t have to be at a sit-down dinner; you can set the stage for “ear time” by:
Listening is the first step to let your children know they are loved.
-Kisses! XxXx
A "Trauma-Free Parenting" Initiative 