Tag: family

We Have Physicals; Why Not Mentals?

On By JenniferOzgurIn HealthLeave a comment

Note: My vision of this blog is to be a resource for ways to give children positive messages to raise a emotionally healthy child.  Once 2016 begins, I intend to make my own 153Promise to make 153 blog entries on ways to “kiss” your child so they wind up with “On Million Kisses” by the time they turn 18.  Until then, I’m throwing out a bunch of content that’s been on my mind for quite some time.  This is one of those posts…

Every parent knows the “joys” of the yearly physical checkup at the pediatrician.  It’s usually scheduled at a sick visit when you child needs antibiotics for that horrible cough or ear ache.  The very nice physicians’ assistant (PA) helpfully suggests, “Would you like to schedule your yearly well visit at this time?”  This is usually in February and the calendar is booked well into July.  Still, you pick a random date towards the end of the summer and pray you don’t forget it.  Thankfully, the offices sends you a reminder call 48 hours in advance so you can cancel the plans you made in the meantime.

Your child gets weighed and measured.  Poked and prodded.  Not unlike picking the perfect melon for a picnic.  98.6?  Check.  Still ten fingers and toes?  Check.  Pooping?  Check.

All of this is important, just to make sure everything’s looking normal.  We trust the doctor to pick up anything unusual, and the doctor trusts us to divulge any concerns we may have.  It’s a system that’s been in place for ages.

Why not for mental health?

You may say that primary care physicians (PCPs) are trained for such screenings, but their training is limited.  Kind of like a plumber fixing your leaky sink and noting that the wiring may — or may not — be grounded right in your kitchen outlets.  You need to call an electrician to get a more educated opinion.

My wish is that EVERY child in the U. S. gets a yearly screening for any issues dealing with mental health.  It should be done by a highly trained, highly astute therapist who knows how to spot the markers for things like anxiety, depression, mood disorders…  There should be a very detailed pre-visit form to fill out.  Depending upon the age of the child, they should be part of that process, similar to the courts considering the child’s opinion in custody hearings.

A questionnaire with the Strongly Agree; Agree; Neutral; Disagree; Strongly Disagree should be filled out by both the caregiver and the child.  Part of HIPA, there should be parts of the form that can be voluntarily filled out by a PA without the parent present if the child needs help with the form and the parent gives consent in order to ensure that the child is forthcoming with the answers.

Questions like:

  • I am happy at school
  • I feel supported at home
  • I feel in control of my life
  • I go to sleep without fear
  • I make healthy choices about my body
  • My friendships add to my enjoyment of life
  • There is an adult I trust if I have problems
  • I do not feel like I am in danger in any way

Or for the more concerning:

  • My life feels out of control sometimes
  • I have thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore
  • There are some fears I can’t get out of my head
  • I fear some people in my life
  • I don’t enjoy activities I used to like
  • People don’t notice my problems

Even very young children could point to emojis or pick pictures to color to get an idea of how they view the world and their place in it.

I firmly believe that if we as a nation start focusing our attention on these types of issues at a very early age, we could see a huge turn around in how we treat children with regarding mental health issues.

If a child’s responses start showing a cause for concern, early interventions can be done.  Things as simple as recommending a support group for both the parents and child…  Recommending certain books or resources for the family… even a few intensive sessions with a therapist to teach coping mechanisms… for the entire family.

Will this cost money upfront?  Perhaps.  But imagine how much money would be saved by having a whole generation of more well adjusted people walking around.  Imagine crime rates going down.  Addiction being reduced.  Fewer suicides or mass shootings.

The real tragedy that occurs in horrible media events is when people are interviewed and say, “Yeah… there were some red flags.”

It’s my hope that 153Promise takes off and becomes a platform for sweeping mental health reform for children.

That’s my mission. Some may think I’m crazy, and I need to get my head examined.

Exactly.

 

 

 

 

Love Triangles… or squares, or pentagons, or… Teaching That Supplies are UNlimited!

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Relationships, ValidationLeave a comment

My son just turned three and a half years old yesterday.  I can’t say enough about the guy.  He’s bright, got a sunny disposition and a laugh that could melt the Antarctic.  Every day, I thank God for my precious gift.

I love watching him develop and learn new skills as he figures out the world and his place in it.  It’s the coolest thing when something is there today that wasn’t there yesterday.  And that new concept is… jealousy.

My son and I were hanging out in the kitchen yesterday morning.  My husband comes down the stairs into the living room.  He says good morning, and I go over to give him a hug and kiss.  Our usually happy-go-lucky son hops down off the stool and says, “No, Baba, (that’s Turkish for Daddy), that’s MY Mommish!” (That’s our son’s Turklish pet name for me.)

I instantly said to my boy, “Oh, sweetie, there’s enough love for everybody!”  We then made a counting game of me kissing my son ten times, and then I kissed my husband ten times.  And so on until we ended in a three-way hug.

I totally can see why my son was upset.  We are constantly teaching him to share… because most times, the set item has a finite supply and anything he takes means that someone else will have to do without.  It is totally understandable to apply the same logic to kisses: if I give ten kisses to my husband, that leaves ten fewer for my son, right???

So we had to show our son that there will never be an end to kisses.  They are not like toys at the YMCA playground or animal crackers at snack time.  It’s not a game to compete for the limited supply.

Now, can you imagine if I shamed him by reprimanding his behavior?  That he shouldn’t WANT my love?  If I had pushed him away to keep hugging my husband, that would have taught my son that my love IS a thing to compete for and covet.   No child should be made to feel guilty for wanting their parents’ love.  It would have caused him anxiety and rightfully so.   Love should never be contest.

So next time one of your children is competing for your attention (which is really your affection), explain to them that the best way to give everybody what they want is to all pile together and get it done!

Feeling pulled in different directions?  If everybody folds the laundry together, then there’s more time freed up to work on homework, together, at the same table.

It’s just like architecture: the more (tri)angles there are, the stronger the structure.  So the more people sharing the love, the more triangles can be formed, thereby strengthening the love!

So make the 153Promise to show the regenerating power of your love!  Supplies unlimited: Act Now!

-Kisses!  XxXx

 

 

 

It Starts With Yourself

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized1 Comment

I’m in my 40s.  When I was in school, I remember this PSA on TV:

It was so prevalent in our culture because of Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” platform and the huge presence of the drug culture.

I was never part of that crowd, so it never really had much of an impact upon me.  However, I think it’s totally appropriate now that I’m a parent.  Kids do learn from their parents.  So what lessons do you want to teach?

It’s easier to watch what you say to your children about their behaviors, but what are you saying about yourself ?

If you put yourself down in any way, you are basically saying, “I’m crap.”  This damages your children’s self esteem because they are created by you.  Do you really want them thinking, “I’m the offspring of crap” ?

I always remember this warning when I hear, “Oh my… your daughter looks JUST like you!”  I get this all. the. time.  Now, can you imagine if she hears me say in the mirror, “I hate my nose… I wish I had bigger lips… my butt looks fat…”  Instead, I beam with pride and say, “Thank you!  She’s so lucky, isn’t she?  Because I’m gorgeous!!!”  And I’m NOT being sarcastic!  Lighthearted, yes, as not to be boastful.  But I want my daughter to feel proud that she comes from me.

The Dove line of beauty products nailed it in their recent beauty campaign:

Are you crying yet?

So please remember that when you make the 153Promise to love your child, that 153Promise starts with you!  Remember to be kind to your own spirit and teach your children that they are valued… by valuing yourself.

Kisses!

 

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Relationships, Uncategorized1 Comment

It’s only twelve days until Christmas, and people everywhere are rushing around to buy gifts for each other.

I’ve been to one party where the “rule” was for everyone to buy each other a $20.00 gift card.

I know some families who start groups on FB just to list what they want for gifts.

One of my colleagues said her mother texted a due date for gift requests before her shopping day and she got a another text warning her that if she missed the deadline, she’d only get socks and underwear.

I have to say, I never quite got the concept of buying gifts when they seem to be a mandatory exchange.  If I have to buy for you and you have to buy for me, why don’t we just agree to skip the whole business and just stay at home with a good movie instead of getting mauled at the mall?

After all, why do we give gifts, anyway?  Isn’t it as a token of affection?  Isn’t it as a symbolic gesture during Christmas to replicate the giving of the gifts from the Magi?

Don’t get me wrong- I love the season with the yummy foods, beautiful lights, and cozy smells.  But I am suggesting that we re-examine the spirit in which gifts are supposed to be given and if you still feel the pressure to get something for those near and dear to you (if you haven’t already), consider a gift that goes far beyond some pretty wrap, bow, or bag.

Or even if you have purchased the requisite present, imagine if came along with the  153Promise of giving them daily affection with the goal of supporting a functional, loving relationship.

Some possible ways to do this are:

-Buy some books on parenting, relationships or self-help books about issues you are currently working on and sharing that purchase with your loved one

-Take your family shopping together for games (that you play at a table- NOT a computer) you can play as a family

-Have a family meeting to decide on a few day trips like the zoo, a museum, or some other experiential activity

There are many other possibilities… one great way is to ask them what they’d like to do, rather than what they want.

So as you watch everybody else run around for last minute shopping for things that most likely will end up in the back of the closet in a few weeks, why not make the decision to put a stop to that materialistic pressure and put your energy into truly making the spirit bright… by showing your affection through deeds and time and making an effort on a daily basis to show them just how much you love them.

That’s a gift everyone will be able to enjoy all year long.

It’s Never Too Late! Part One

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, Validation1 Comment

This is the companion post to “It’s Never Too Early.”

Yesterday, I had posted about making the commitment to love your child even before your child is born; you can begin to prepare to start the journey of “One Million Kisses” way before the birth of your child.  But what if that ship has said long ago and you already have a child- be it a toddler, teen or adult?  Today, I am focusing on how to start the “Kissing Kounter” TODAY and make the 153Promise to that person before you go to sleep tonight!

I’m not planning to use this site as a space to vent about my own personal issues, but this is a time where I think it’s important to use my life as an example: I grew up in dysfunction.  Granted, it wasn’t all bad- we had food and shelter.  We went to church on Sunday and out for dinner after.  My parents gave me music lessons and went to all of my concerts.  But I was not thriving.  I was not getting the kind of love I needed.  (I posted what my definition of love a few days ago… scroll down if you need.)

Here’s my childhood in a nutshell-

Mom and Dad constantly fought.  My dad was very demonstrative, and my mother was extremely submissive.  I’d witness him saying horrible things to her to the point where she’d cry.  When you are a little girl, your mother is your world.  You are an extension of her.  So if SHE’s crying, it’s like the universe is ending.

Once I got older, I became part of his wrath.  He’d work at his job (he never really told me what he did there), come home and go on a war path.  I remember hearing the gravel on the driveway pop underneath his tires and my mother saying to me, “Quick- your father’s home,” which basically meant “Don’t give your father a reason to yell.”  This meant scrambling to clean up the house in 30 seconds before he came though the door.  I have memories of my hair being yanked right out of my scalp as he led me around the house, rubbing my head in any items that were not put away.  Like a dog.  One image remains burned in my mind.  It was a wash cloth at the bottom of the shower.  I hadn’t wringed it up to dry.  I don’t know which was worse: my father bellowing my name as he shamed me, or my mother’s judgment when she said, “You think you’d learn by now.”

There’s many more instances I could site, but I think that’s enough to give you an idea of our home climate… And then I’d go to school…

Let’s just say that I was not one of the cool kids.  While my dad called me a jerk and a candy @$$ at home, my peers would bastardize my name so it had an unfortunate crude word in it.  My dad never bought me the cool clothes (a necessity in the yuppie 80s) and my mother used to cut my hair on the steps in the basement.  (Note to self- insert pictures of my awkward class pictures here.)  As a result of all of these social epic fails, I was at the bottom of the popularity food chain.  I was called “Freak.”  In fact, the greatest regret I have at that time period was the ONE time on the bus I was not the subject of teasing, I joined in on it.  So to the blonde-haired boy on the bus with me going to Fogelsville Elementary School in Orefield PA, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

My self esteem was on the floor.  All of this led to me being withdrawn.  It was a good day when I didn’t get noticed.  As a result, my grades began to suffer, despite me being in the “gifted/high potential” classes.  I was at the bottom of the top intellectually… It was a very weird experience.  I find myself wanting to chronicle all my pain, but I have to remember where all of this is going…

Cut to my senior year, right around this time- a few weeks before Christmas.  I had applied to college with no hopes of getting in.  (My father was a master at instilling fear.)  My 8 year old brother was also in the process of being diagnosed with leukemia- something I didn’t fully comprehend at the time.  At a result, I had a meltdown.  I had what can possibly be described as a temporary psychotic break.  I like to call it my “Freak of the Week.”  All my pent up anxiety came loose at once.  It’ll make for a great post one day!

A few months later, I was so depressed, I really didn’t care about living anymore.  I was in so much pain and I was so frustrated with my failed relationship with my parents, I just wanted to make some sort of statement to them.  I was angry, but I couldn’t possibly say anything because I had no voice at this point, so it had to be drastic.  I thought the best idea would be to kill myself so my suffering would be over, yet in a grand, poetic, ironic twist, their suffering would just begin.  My dad was a hunter, so he had guns.  I knew a shotgun would be clunky, so I went for the hand gun.  But before I actually went to do it, call it the Grace of God or just morbid curiosity, I went to the bathroom mirror just to see what my final moment of life would look like.

I realized that I looked REALLY stupid.  And then I realized that if I died, THEY would win.  I’d be dead, and they would survive.  So I made the decision that day to never give up on myself, even when the world certainly seemed to have given up on me.

Why am I telling you this?  Because despite ALL of that — plus more dramatic, dysfunctional crap I’ve had to deal with in my life — I have made peace with my father and we are okay.  We may not be super close, but we’re cool with each other.  Why?  Because it’s never too late.

*Next Post: How to start Day One of the 153Promise.