Author: JenniferOzgur

Mother, wife, teacher, writer and founder of 153Promise- a mission dedicated to educating parents in making smart, proactive choices that promote positive mental health. Want to contact me? Email me at JenniferOzgurAuthor@gmail.com

A Traumatic Statistic: Prevalence of PTSD

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Organization and Business, Parenting, Relationships, School, ValidationLeave a comment

Fear, Woman, Crack, Notch, Furrow

Did you know that a whopping 70% of the general public will experience a traumatic event, and of those who do, 20% go on to develop PTSD?

Children lack the proper coping mechanisms, so they are particularly vulnerable.

War is not the only way to get PTSD.  Other traumatic events can include:

  • a serious injury or illness
  • a death
  • a car accident
  • a significant life change, like a divorce or move
  • abuse or bullying
  • dysfunction in the home, like yelling or addiction
  • a disaster like a fire
  • a crime
  • either first-hand experience of the events above or even witnessing them second-hand

The key to not developing PTSD in the first place is to get immediate aftercare.  But if that did not happen, it’s not too late to seek treatment for your child months or even years afterward.

Some of the symptoms of PTSD, according to the Mayo Clinic and WebMD re:

  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • Always being on guard for danger
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Not enjoying activities usually enjoyed
  • Avoiding certain situations
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Bad dreams
  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Panic attacks
  • Headaches, stomach aches, muscle pain without specific injury

For students, these may also manifest as lowered grades or discipline problems at school.

Candle, Rose, Tealight, Quiet

Every child deserves to feel at peace and safe in their environment.  You never know if something they experienced may have been recorded as a trauma in their brain and they need professional help to learn how to re-regulate their emotions.

If your child starts to begin to display any of the signs above, or if they or your family has experienced any of the major events listed above,  please make the #153Promise to contact their guidance counselor and share your concerns.

They may need validation from someone who understands what they are going through.

-KissesXxXx

 

Trust the Teachers: Another Way to Love Your Kids

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, School, ValidationLeave a comment

Education, School, Back To SchoolNow’s the time to select courses for next year.  Placing your child in the correct classes is a very important decision and can set the stage for either a pleasant year, or a stressful one.

You child’s teachers have been monitoring their progress since September.  They know the strengths and weaknesses of your child and also know about the requirements of the courses for next year.

If your child is doing well this year, that’s not necessarily an indication that they should be ‘bumped up’ a level.  Unless they are making high As and say they want more of a challenge, you may be setting up your child to be stretched too thin next year.

Conversely, if you have a student who’s been struggling all year, you may want to ask the teacher’s opinion about actually dropping down a level.  There’s no shame in admitting that your child is in over their head.

If your child is going into or currently in high school, I’d also take your child’s desires into consideration when planning for post graduation.  Do not automatically assume they are going into college.  If they are not self motivated and/or do not like school or reading, then they very likely will not see the value in getting up to go to classes, preparing for them, writing the papers and studying for the few tests they will have.  You may want to discuss career options that include technical training.  They may be able to learn skills that give them the chance to get a career with opportunity for growth in a field they enjoy.

Think about the years 18-22: would you rather pay for tuition where they’re barely passing, or have them make their own money, learn independence, and feel pride that they are making a wage doing honorable work?

Book, Bored, College, Education, FemaleAn education should be to discover what your child can learn and achieve- not what they can’t do.  You may ‘know’ your child, but in this area, their teachers know more.  You may see them doing their work at home, but if the teacher records zeros for assignments not handed in, your child may be sending you a coded message.  They may be in their room ‘studying’ all night, but if they are not testing well, have you quizzed them on the material the night before to make sure they knew the content?

True, every child deserves opportunities.  But if a teacher thinks the child is truly not at the point of readiness for a certain step in their education, then the opportunity you may actually be providing is to set them up for failure.

Birger Kollmeier, Professor, Blackboard

Please keep your own ego and motivation in check if you are considering overriding either your child or their teacher’s thoughts regarding class selection for next year.

Make it your #153Promise to trust the teachers to know what’s best regarding your child’s scholastic abilities to give your child every opportunity to succeed.

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

More Ink… Documenting Love

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Relationships, School, WritingLeave a comment

Journal, Desk, Wood, Notebook, WritingMy ten year old daughter loves it when I write her notes in the morning before I go off to school since I leave before she wakes up.  It starts off her day feeling loved, even though I’m not there to wish her well.

So when I saw a free journal up for grabs at the used book store, I took it.

Now, when I write a note, I no longer scrounge around the house for a lone scrap of paper- I turn a page of the journal.  She’s also taken to writing back to me.

This way, we’ll have a nice memory of all the notes written back and forth.

Make the #153Promise to honor your children in small but meaningful ways, everyday, by starting a memoir of your daily love in ink.

-Kisses! XxXx

A Parenting Parable in Ink

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, ValidationLeave a comment

Here’s an anecdote…

A woman gets a tattoo with her name on it.  There’s a deep symbolic meaning as to why she got it.  (As all tattoos should be!)

Family, Mama, Daughter, Tattoo, Hold Hands, Hands

This woman then proceeds to become a mother three times.  Her body is pulled and stretched in many miraculous directions.  After the birth of her third child, she notices that the ink has also shifted, and her name is no longer legible.  She’s distraught.

While I totally can appreciate the dismay at the lost artwork (I have four tats of my own), I would like to lovingly suggest to remember that you have created works of art in your own right, far more precious than what happened in that parlor next to the stainless steel gauges.

Always the poet, I see another symbolism in the fact that it was her name that got distorted.  Yes, she knows what it was, but it’s changed.

Doesn’t that happen to you when you become a parent?  Yes, you still remember your old self, but once you have children, you are never again the same.  Like that misshapen tattoo, our essential self is indelible.  We retain our essence throughout our lives.  However, our parenting selves cause us to view — and be viewed by — the world in a new way.

So if “Ashley” morphs into “Maybe” or “Michael” is deciphered as “Nipple,” I’d look to the deep metaphor that like a tattoo, our children mark us forever.

Make the #153Promise to celebrate the way your children have changed your ink.

-Kisses! XxXx

 

For Black History Month: A Poem of My Legacy

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Relationships, School, WritingLeave a comment

Matroeska, Vintage, Crafts, Hand PaintedFebruary is Black History Month, a teacher at my school helped to create a poetry project. She and another adult at one of our sister high schools made an all-call for poetry regarding our own family history.  I don’t want to put words in their mouths, but I think their objective for the project was to go beyond race to embrace everyone’s history.

The prompt to get us to create a submission asked us how we plan to contribute to our family’s legacy.

This is what I came up with:

“Cerberus”Krampus, Customs, Austria, Mask, Devil

On the floor

Gasping for air

A woman-

                  A mother-

                                    A child-

In one, suffering body.

She screams through sobs, snot and regret.

“Oh God!  Take this pain away!”

A journey this low created by decades-

                  Of shame

                                    And guilt

                                                      And fear.

Sometimes, the only way out-

                  up

Is

Something larger than herself grabs her,

Pulls her-

Away from that destiny written by the women

Generations before her.

Lifting her bosom and eyes to the sky,

She rejects the path

                  Of shame

                                    And guilt

                                                      And fear.

And she says:

“Oh God, I see the pattern of broken, woven threads.

I see the cross, heavy from the burden of judgement.

I see the toxic mold others have crafted for me…

But I WILL NOT go with the flow.

I WILL NOT carry the load

I WILL NOT contort my spirit

to conform to a lineage of dysfunction.

Breaking the cycle

                  Of shame

                                    And guilt

                                                      And fear

She stands.

On her own two feet.

Undefeated,

                                                      Learning her new name.

                  Stronger without blame.

Wiser from her pain.

She’s making

For herself…              for her inner child….                  And her daughter.

Explanation

A “Cerberus” is a Greek mythological creature.  It appears as a three headed dog that serves to guard the underworld and prevents those in Hell from leaving.  (Technically, the picture above is Krampus; I couldn’t find a fitting royalty-free Cerberus… go figure.)

My “Cerberus” was shame, guilt and fear, instilled during my childhood.

A little introspection and family of origin work gave me the insight that emotional dysregulation can be inherited, if not necessarily genetic.

I made the #153Promise to myself and my children that I would end that cycle of emotional abuse and make proactive parenting decisions that promote positive mental health and wellness.

What’s your legacy???

-Kisses! XxXx

Thaw Out Your Kids By Lining Up a Summer Job!

On By JenniferOzgurIn ParentingLeave a comment

Ice, Ice Age, Icicle, Winter, Cold, Snow

Everybody on the East Coast is talking about how flippin’ cold it’s going to be this three day weekend.  Freezing or not, what better time to start thinking about plans for this summer!

Taking on a job or volunteering position is an excellent way to teach responsibility and learn about what possible career topics they are considering; it gets your teenager thinking about their future…. Just at the time they are consider what courses they’ll be taking for next year.  And doing it now — before the mad rush in June — is an excellent lesson in preparing and not procrastinating… not to mention that they’ll have many more choices available to them.

Friends, Summer Camp, Leaders, MentorsIf your child is over 18, then they are an adult and can apply pretty much anywhere, as long as they meet the job description requirements.

If they are under 14, they are generally too young to be getting a “real” job with an actual employer.

But those three years in between get a little tricky.  Every state has their own child labor laws.  Some deal with dangerous situations, like knives.  Some deal with food preparation or the presence of alcohol.  Others regulate manual work, such as pounds required to lift.

Looking for ideas?  Try:

  • The mall- ones stop shopping for tons of options
  • The YMCA- they have a lot of programming and camps
  • The library- a great, safe environment
  • Pools- if they’re a swimmer, there’s time to get a junior life guard certification
  • Babysitting- there’s an online course offered by the Red Cross

 

If you can’t commit to putting your teenager on a set schedule because you want a flexible schedule, volunteering is also a great option…. And if your child is under working age, maybe it’s time to start planning your family vacation!

No matter what you decide, make it your #153Promise to set your child up for an awesome summer. Coffee, Mug, Winter, Drink, Coffee Mug

Goodness knows we need something to get us through the next few months!

-Kisses! XxXx

 

Tween Bras Are All Thumbs Down

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, ParentingLeave a comment

Bra, Clothing, Garments, Bust Holder, LingerieI woke up this morning and found this article about bras for tweens on my “news” feed this morning.

I’m sorry, PopSugarMoms, but I do not agree with rushing little girls into womanhood.

In it, the author writes:

Because there’s NOTHING sexual about an age-appropriate bra for a kid who wants one. There are styles made just for little girls, just as there are for adolescents and teens. There’s even a cool new line of Star Wars bras and sports bras for girls.

Who wants to buy her daughter a bra she doesn’t need just because she wants one?

*both thumbs down* NOT this gal.

I just don’t think it’s sending the correct message to want to rush things she’ll have plenty of time for when she’s older.

I’ve had the battle with my ex and he actually went behind my back to buy one.

But I’m sticking to my guns (no put intended) and making it my #153Promise to myself to be true to my convictions and not follow trends just because.

What do you stand for or against?  Are you willing to stay strong even when you don’t have the support???

 

 

Jesus is a Hugger and a Kite… My Son’s Lesson on Perspective

On By JenniferOzgurIn humor, Love, ValidationLeave a comment

I thought I’d make a post about why my 3.5 year old son’s been saying about Jesus for the past few months.

Jesus Christ, Cross, Jesus, Faith, Christ, Religion

Almost every night after I pick him up from preschool, we drive past a Catholic cemetery with a giant crucifix prominently light up at night.  Once my son started noticing the statue, he asked who that was.  When I told him, he responded from the back seat with his arms outstretched, proudly saying, “I’m Jesus, too!”

Then, just the other week, my son said, “Jesus is giving me a hug!”

Wow.  I was raised Catholic.  We went to church every Sunday.  I attended Youth Group.  I even was the Cantor for mass.  In all those years, never ONCE did I ever think Jesus, with his arms outstretched, was giving me a hug; it was always about Jesus’ persecution and sacrifice.

Aviator, Air, Wind KiteA few days ago, my son then added a new perspective on Jesus when he exclaimed, “Jesus looks like a kite.”  Okay… that’s getting waaaay out of the box, but I totally see how he came up with that…  I can only imagine what Jesus is going to do next in the eyes of my son.

Now, every time I see Jesus on the cross, I think of how much Jesus loved us and wants us to have a relationship with God.  (No matter what faith you are, Jesus’ teachings are clearly documented.)

And I now also associate Jesus with soaring freely, knowing that God’s love will support me in flight, but also keep me firmly grounded throughout my life.

Pretty deep lesson from a three year old.

I would have lost all of that if I did not Listen to what my son said, Observed what he saw, Validated his perspective and Empathized with his point of view so I could find the metaphors.

Make it your #153Promise today to approach your day-to-day activities with a fresh perspective… maybe from your own children’s.

Sometimes, you just need to look at the world through different lenses to see things more clearly.

-Kisses! XxXx

Cursing Cupid- Shoot an Arrow through Expectations

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, humor, Love, Parenting, Relationships, ValidationLeave a comment

Love, Valentine'S Day, Pose, HeartT minus four days and counting…  The “holiday” that gets men in a panic and parents in a bind.

The internet is bursting with last minute ideas for “romantic” gifts.  Dollar stores (thank God!) still have boxes of cards on their shelves.  And adults everywhere are cursing Cupid.

But I’m kwel as a Kit Kat.  Why?

Because I have no expectations.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.

I tend to think that the more someone “needs” someone else to make a big deal over these special days, the more likely it is that that person has been ignored all year.

I’m not into a bipolar, feast or famine type of situation.  I just want to feel appreciated on a daily basis.  No need for fancy cards, flowers, or dinner to get my motor running.  Know what turns me on?  Coming home after a busy day to an empty sink and some folded laundry.  Oh, yeah…  Bow chick-a wow wow.

I was a Twelve-Stepper for a spell when I was working on my codependency issues, and I learned a great saying:

Expectations are just premeditated resentments.

It pretty much blew my mind.  If I expect a certain person to act a certain way or do a certain thing, then I’m just setting myself up to be disappointed.  However, I think the word “Passive” needs to be added at the start of the sentence.

Passive expectations are just premeditated resentments.

If I expect somebody to do something, but I don’t actively express to them my desires, I don’t think it’s fair to hold them hostage when they fail to read my mind.

Heart, Love, Romance, Valentine

So if you want to go out for dinner, tell your spouse.  If you want your children to set the table, tell them.  Then, after a while, they’ll do it on their own without you asking because they see how darn happy it makes you.

The same applies with my children. I’d rather them experience true happiness on a daily basis, rather than getting all worked up into a lather a few times a year.  It says to me that they feel special every day.

Lorenz Hart (ironically) wrote “My Funny Valentine,” and his lyrics express this sentiment perfectly:

Your looks are laughable; unphotograph-able…

Yet you’re my favorite work of art….

Each day is Valentines’ Day.

Make it your #153Promise this Valentines’ Day to have low expectations and to actively express them.

Shoot an arrow right through the hype.

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

I *AM* An Expert, Dagnabbit!

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, humor, Parenting, Relationships, School, Validation, Writing2 Comments

Classroom, Old, One-Room, School, Education, ClassI had a phone conference with my publisher a little over a week ago and he said something that really stuck in my craw- he questioned that I am a legitimate expert regarding kids’ issues.

Really???

“Yeah…” he continued, “being a teacher doesn’t make you an expert.  I mean, when was the last time a parent goes into a school and asks to see a really good teacher because their kids won’t eat their vegetables?  They go to a doctor.  You’re just not an authority in that arena.”

That’s when I heard that giant record scratch, the music stops, and it’s about to get really intense.

Mind you, this man does not have children; he’s never had to go to anybody about ANY children’s issues.  That’s when I should have just let it go in one ear and out the other.  But I tend to be a little — what’s the word — obsessive about certain issues, so I stewed.  I mulled.  I percolated.

I vented to my husband yesterday for, like, the eight thousandth time, listing all the point that DO indeed qualify me to be an authority in parenting.  He patiently listened (bless him!) to which he finally said, “You should write them all down and use that for your promotions.”  He’s right!  At the risk of sounding pompous, I DO need to build a case for why I am a good person to listen to when it comes to raising a child.  Just suppose I get successful enough that people start to notice me.  Critics love to tear people a new one.  I better get working on my best game play.  In the spirit of an good offense being the strongest defense, I offer to you why I AM an expert, dagnabbit:

  1. I’m a mother of two great kids.  My daughter is a sweet, sensitive ten year old who’s compliant and has never been in trouble at school.  She gets good grades and excels at gymnastics.  My three and a half year old is a happy, social butterfly.  He’s very well adjusted and his emotions are well regulated.  I must be doing something right.
  2. I had a rough childhood.  When I say not to do something because it will hurt the child emotionally, believe it.
  3. I’ve done the work.  Yes, I was scarred.  I had a nervous breakdown at 17.  I had panic attacks.  I made bad choices when I was younger.  I’ve been in and out of therapy.  I know the different approaches to take for wellness because I either was taught the tools by another expert, or I learned them doing my own research.
  4. I read.  I always look to others to learn more about a topic.  If I have a theory about something, I can find and document the literature to back me up.
  5. I’ve been a coach.  I’ve run with middle schoolers as they do their distance perimeters around our school.  I’ve pushed them to excel as they cross the finish line.
  6. I’ve been a musical director.  You want a challenge?  Try getting thirty kids on stage, singing and dancing their hearts out.
  7. I have a degree in Education.  The training includes psychology, educational theory, child/adolescent development and behavior/classroom management.
  8. I have observed thousands of students.  Not must my own students, but I must observe an entire building to monitor the safety of our school.  I keep a watchful eye.  I notice trends.  I see what parents do not see, in a variety of settings: classroom, hallway, cafeteria…  I can tell you who’s changing their outfits after getting out of a parent’s car.  I know what they eat for lunch.  Who just broke up with whom.  If they use potty mouth.  The walls have ears, and they’re attached to my head.
  9. I have observed at least double that amount of parents.  With all my classes over sixteen years, track teams, and theatre productions, that’s easily over 10,00 parents I’ve interacted with.  I see what’s been working… and what’s been not working.  I’ve even asked parents who have great kids what’s their secret.
  10. As a teacher, I document success and failure.  After meticulously recording data in order to track progress and ultimately assigning a grade, I must then analyze it all to identify trends and adjust my approach to reach more students.  It’s what good educators do.  I can tell when students are not applying themselves.  I know when a kid is not happy.  Or tired.  Or high.  We are trained to spot warning signs and instructed how to get at risk students help.

School Class, School, Children, Bali, Indonesia, PupilsSo yeah… I think being a teacher makes me an expert.

My district has parent teacher conferences this week.  Make it your #153Promise this week to touch base with your children’s teachers and ask them how your kid is doing and how you can support them to achieve their best.  Trust that the teachers have your kids’ best interests at heart.  And believe them.

After all, we are experts.

-Kisses! XxXx