Category: Parenting

Ghosts of Parenting Past and Present

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, Uncategorized2 Comments

Aygul Barieva, Tatar, Artists, Family, Parents, ChildThere many ways to categorize the different parenting styles.  I remember learning about them back (many!) years ago when I was in college, taking my education and psychology courses.

Then I stumbled upon this article today and was surprised that the theory remains intact.

The four are:

  1. Authoritarian- they are the dictators.  “Because I said so!”  Think That 70’s Show.
  2. Authoritative- they rule with firm but kind hand.  “You broke the rules, so here are the consequences.”  Think Leave It To Beaver.
  3. Permissive- They are the best friend.  “Whatever you want, Honey Bunny.” Think Marge from The Simpsons
  4. Uninvolved- They are detached.  “*crickets chirping*”  Think Married with Children

NOTE: I am going to add a 5th… Overinvolved.  They are the helicopters.  “Because I said so.”  Only this is said to other ADULTS, rather than the child.  I don’t have an example from TV since it seems to be a fairly new phenomenon and I don’t watch television.

Can you guess which style is recommended by professionals?  (Answer at end of this post)

Ghosts, Gespenter, Spooky, Horror, Souls, CreepyMany times, we parent how we were parented.  It’s all we know.  But sometimes, we parent by doing the exact opposite of what we were given because it did not work for us as children, so we are actually reparenting our inner child, along with our current kids.  That’s not a great tactic.  It’s like your Ghost of (Your Nickname as a Kid) Past is hovering around your son or daughter.  Kinda creepy, huh?

Or, you may parent in the exact opposite of your partner.  Think Good Cop; Bad Cop.  Yes… you are actually using a strategy to get criminals to break.  Again, not the best way to roll.

I know I was raised with an Authoritarian father and a Permissive and Uninvolved mother.  It was not fun.  There were strict consequences for minor infractions from my dad with my mother trying to be the soft place to fall one my father was through.  It went into the realm of physical emotional abuse.  I’ve got CPTSD from my childhood.  As a result, I try not to be as “mean” and also try to be my children’s advocate.  But that also does not mean I overindulge or helicopter.  I try to find a balance.

My point to citing the article is to find out which parent you are and why to learn if you are on track for creating a well-adjusted child.  It can be insightful.

Make the 153Promise today by learning about your Ghosts of Parenting Past and Present so you can set up a great future for your children!

Kisses! XxXx

*#2!

Cell Phone Angst… and Challenge

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, Relationships, School, Uncategorized6 Comments

How old are your children?  When did they get — or do you plan to get them — cell phones?  Why?  Smartphone, Woman, Girl, Iphone, Apple Inc, Touch

I ask because I fail to see cell phones improving the quality of life in tweens and teens.  Rather, I only see anxiety and a giant paradox regarding cell phone communication: the more kids use their phones, the less connected they feel to the people with whom they are supposed to be communicating.

I’m going to put my Teacher Hat on for this post and speak from the perspective of the educator.  Here is what I am seeing during the school day:

  1. Texting each other the first and last few minutes of class.  About what, I can only guess, as I cannot legally go into their devices… (But YOU can… if you dare.)
  2. Taking “selfies” and/or “Snapchatting/Vining,” then obsessively checking to see how many “likes” they are getting.
  3. Increased requests to leave the class to “go to the bathroom” or “get a drink.”  Presumably to use their phones so they don’t get in trouble during class.  I can’t tell them no, but they are losing instruction time, as their trips are longer than necessary to sneak in a few more texts.
  4. More requests to text parents because they “forgot” something.  This irony is that the more they rely on texting parents, the less they need to communicate with their families BEFORE  and AFTER the school day is in session.
  5. Notifying me that they need to go to the office to pick up something… presumably because they just got a text saying their item from #4 was just dropped off.

(On my own time, I even saw a post on a Moms’ FB group asking what other mothers would do if they saw test answers on their kid’s phone!)

You may ask why I don’t just have a policy… I. DO.  So does the district.  But if/when I go to enforce it, I have been subject to major tantrums.  And this is not just from the students.  I have been accused of “stealing” property when I confiscate the cell phone, enforcing the policy, and then returning the phone at the end of the day.  I have been called a “train wreck” and was told that I “need mental help.”  There have been threats on my job and my life.  I have been the victim of theft to retaliate against me.  All because I have asked that phones are out of my classroom.  I have a thick skin, and administration supports me, so I just handle it like the strong human I am.  But what concerns me more are how the STUDENTS are actually suffering.

Some students are so dependent upon their phones that asking them to part with them for the 40 minutes I have them for class is almost impossible for them.  So I implore all parents…  Please do not contribute to the angst.  I am only asking for two things:

  1. Tell your kids that you do not want them using them during classes and if you get a report from their teacher that they were seen out, you will suspend them from their phone for a day… then week… then moth… then cancelled.
  2. Tell them that you will no longer be available to them DURING the school day. (Or if that’s not doable, at least only during their or your lunch for a one-time contact point to send or receive a communication.)  That means you’ll have to do a better job of planning rides, and they will not be able to have you run them forgotten items.
Portrait, Face, Pale, Expressive, Eyes, Nose, MouthBlame the teachers.  Blame your boss/job.  Or even tell them you are making the 153Promise to them that you want them to spend the school day concentrating on… school and not on social drama.  Explain to them that the more you rely on the cell phones, the more anxiety it actually causes because it’s no longer a communication device- it’s an enabling device that’s preventing them from developing good habits of planning, self-reliance, and security/trust among family members.
So I’m throwing out another challenge: enact the two rules above.  Just like the Bus Challenge, I am going to suggest that the more either you or your child balks at the “Phone Challenge,” the more you may need to add it to your lives.  I’d love to know who does it and how it goes!
Kisses!  XxXx

The Golden Rule of Parenting… Bring an Umbrella!

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, RelationshipsLeave a comment

I got my first dissenting comment on Saturday!  Someone disagreed with my perspective that the more a kids protests about something, the more we may need to have them do it… specifically with regards to my “Bus Challenge” post.

Umbrella, Rain, Colors, Woman

The opposing viewpoint was that we should parent from the perspective of the child… Would *I* want to stand in the rain and wait for a bus full of screaming kids to come?  Who wouldn’t prefer a cozy, personal ride to school???  I totally understand that perspective.  However, I do not think that empathizing with our children should be the basis for our parenting.

The Golden Rule, Treat others how we would want to be treated may work for equals, but I think it’s a mistake to make our parenting decisions using this mentality.  Yes, we do want to keep in mind our children’s feelings when choosing our words or even some of our actions, but just because a child does or doesn’t want to do something doesn’t mean that we should cater to those wishes.  That, to me, is a recipe for raising an entitled little person… which will then become an entitled big person, aka, Jerk.

I propose that sometimes, your 153Promise can be saying “NO” to your child or pushing him or her to confront difficult situations, knowing you’ll be there to support them… instead of preventing those learning opportunities altogether.

Rather, I think the Golden Rule of Parenting should be, Parent the Child Today for the Generation of Tomorrow.  After all, they will be the ones to run the country when we are in rocking chairs.  Do we want a bunch of coddled, spoiled, unbending adults who never learned how to negotiate tough times, improvise another alternative, or work hard to get something for delayed gratification?

My position is: Sometimes, saying NO for NO’s sake is good.

Check out what pediatrician Dr. Leonard Sax has to say regarding the topic.

I welcome differences of opinion and I thank the writer of the Saturday, January 9th comment.  It challenges and inspires me to continue to refine my 153Promise mission.

Rather than trying to prevent rain from falling, make the 153Promise to either dry them off when they get wet… or teach them to bring an umbrella.

Kisses!  XxXx