Tag: anxiety

Keep Calm and Learn On! 3 Changes To Bring Back the Love of Learning

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Parenting, SchoolLeave a comment
Girl Studying
What’s it all for???

It may sound obvious that school is for learning, but I think we sometimes get caught up in the grades that people lose sight of that fact.  Students are so concerned about getting the GRADES that they forget to actually pay attention to concepts that are being taught in class.  Where does that come from?

Parents- are you responsible for emphasizing grades over an education?  Are you inadvertently stressing your kids out by expecting As over progress?    Research shows that anxiety leads to forgetfulness.  Chances are, the more you get your kids stressed over school and grades, paradoxically, the less they will learn.

Here are three changes you can make to help your students stress less and enjoy school more.

3. Stop checking grades so often.  If you are the type of parent who signs up to get notifications every time a teacher enters a new grade, stop that service.  Remember my posts about kids and cell phones?  The same holds true for you.  Do not check your phone every day for updates on your kids’ grades.  Otherwise, they will be doing the same thing so you don’t know their grades before they do.  Instead, every other week should be enough.  That’s about 4 times a marking period.  And only do that so you’re not twisting in the wind.  Don’t pounce on them for an 82.  Life will go on and when you are a grand parent one day, you will not remember that 82 in Math.  But you will benefit from the supportive (not stressful!) relationship you cultivated with your child.

2. Stop asking about how they did in school.  I have VERY bad memories of the dinner table with my family when I was a kid- mainly, because they would use that time as a debriefing on the status of my upcoming report card.  That’s probably the reason I had developed gastritis as a teenager.  Instead, say to them, “Tell me three things you learned in school today.”  At first, they may say, “Nothing.”  But if you help them by asking them, “Well, what about science?  What are you learning about?  Animals?  The weather…” they will start to open up.  It may take some time, but if they see that this new change is NOT going to go away, they may start to give you answers faster- if only to get it over with!  Reward them with what YOU learned that day, as well.

1. Stop helping them to study.  Yes, that’s right.  If you are going over the study guide for tomorrow’s test, you are now becoming the Gestapo and it’s not going to be a fun experience.  Instead, come to them when the stakes are NOT high- like when they are reading a chapter of the novel for English, or doing a current events article in History.  Actually show an interest in what they thing about the subject.  That way, they will see that you really care about them and what they think about the world- not just a number at the top of a paper.

Make the #153Promise to remind your children that they mean more to you than a GPA.

-Kisses!  XxXx

 

Kids and Stress… Round Peg; Square Hole

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, Relationships, School2 Comments

Sad, Learning, School, Reading, Challenging

The last hour of the Stress Workshop I attended was supposed to be a Q and A about how to best address stress with you children once it rears its ugly head.  I was looking forward to learning some tips and maybe even some proactive strategies.  It didn’t happen.

Instead, these were some of the questions that parents asked:

  • How can I get my kid to hand in her homework?
  • Why won’t my kid do his homework?
  • How can I get my kids to listen to me?
  • Why won’t my kid do his chores?

You see the pattern?  These weren’t actual open ended questions about how to HELP their kids; these were actually complaints disguised as questions.

Continue reading “Kids and Stress… Round Peg; Square Hole” →

Managing Stress: It’s a Continuum

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, SchoolLeave a comment

This is the third installment on my series of notes from the Stress Workshop I attended last week hosted by our school district…

Once the speaker, psychologist Lou Bevilacqua, defined stress and who gets it, he gave some basic tips on what to do.

Angry Man, Point, Finger, India, AngryFirst, he said the following strategies do NOT work:

  • yelling
  • threatening
  • shutting down
  • melting down
  • lecturing
  • bribing
  • blackmailing
  • nagging

and finally,

  • ignoring
  • invalidating

Continue reading “Managing Stress: It’s a Continuum” →

Defining Stress, Part Two: Finding Clarity

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, ParentingLeave a comment

Once the audience’s participation died down, Dr. Bevilacqua brought some clarity to the idea of stress- what it is, what causes it and who is prone to suffer from it.

First, he echoed that yes, there are many things that can trigger a reaction through the day.  But it morphs into “stress” by meeting several criteria:

  1. intensity
  2. duration
  3. affecting our ability to be productive

That means that while some things may cause discomfort at the moment, it may not actually develop into stress.
Panic, Shout, PeopleIs a trip to the dentist stressful, or just not enjoyable?  It becomes “stress” only if the effects of anticipating the visit are over a prolonged period of time and get in the way of other activities.

How about a child’s test?  If they are concerned about the test, study, get a little nervous right before, take it, and then go about the rest of the day, then it’s inaccurate to label it as “stress.”  But if they constantly worry about that class, get ‘sick’ in order to avoid taking the test and can’t go to rehearsal or practice for another activity due to that event, then yes… it’s stress.

Continue reading “Defining Stress, Part Two: Finding Clarity” →

Defining Stress

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, ParentingLeave a comment

That was the first question Dr. Bevilaqua addressed last Wednesday.

Cry, Zoom, Effect, Stress, Angry, Hustle And Bustle

A volunteer from the audience wrote down the responses that were brainstormed by the audience.  A variety of responses abounded:

  • feeling out of control
  • feeling helpless
  • feeling overwhelmed
  • pressure
  • anxiety/fear
  • too much to do and not enough time to do it
  • high expectations
  • high stakes
  • the “fight or flight” response (he told us “they” also have added “freeze”)
  • fear
  • the body’s response to a perceived threat  (that was mine!)

The list was much longer, but they started to morph into manifestations like:

  • headaches
  • stomach aches
  • school avoidance
  • irritability
  • sleeplessness
  • negative self talk
  • obsession/perseverating
  • catastrophizing
  • projecting

Continue reading “Defining Stress” →

Kids and Stress? The Joke’s on You…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, SchoolLeave a comment

Business, Career, Depressed, Employee, ExhaustedI attended a workshop sponsored by our school district last Wednesday.  It was run by a middle school guidance counselor, and the speaker was a local psychiatrist.  You can read about his profile here.

It was meant for parents, but I attended as both a mother AND a teacher in the district.

We are a large, suburban school district in a town that holds the county seat.  We are predominantly White, with a growing population of Asian and Indian, some Black and finally a Latino/ELL population.  We are not without our challenges, but all press and data indicates that we are among the strongest in the state and nation.

The topic was supposed to be about stress of your children and how to help them, but what actually unfolded (from my perspective, anyway) was chilling.  By the end of the week, I’ll have explained what I mean, so be sure to keep coming back every day!

Many times, these events are preaching to the choir: those who attended are the parents who are already doing the right thing because they attend workshops about parenting.  But this time, all the right people were in the seats… but for all the wrong reasons.  And I fear that the message somehow got lost.  This is not to discredit the speaker, however.  I think as the evening progressed, both he and I realized that the focus of the night was shifting and there was not much to be done about it… except to maybe hold another night dedicated to that same topic of stress.

It was only 1.5 hours.  The first half an hour was dedicated to speaker, presenting on:

  • What is Stress?
  • When/Where does it happen?
  • Why does it happen?
  • What can we do about it?

From there, it was to open up as a discussion/Q and A period, where people could write questions on note cards and receive advice to best help their children deal with stressors in their lives… that’s when it got really interesting.

The GC (guidance counselor) did mention that this was intended to be the first in a series of talks, so there is some hope that the same crowd will come back… and when I say “crowd,” I mean about 250 people in a small administration room.  And I don’t even think it was publicized that much; I’m sure if there was another night with more advertising, we could easily move the venue to one of the middle schools and fill at least half of the auditorium.

In fact, that reminds me- I need to write to the GC about that prospect…   (I actually taught in her building for 13 years, so we have a rapport.)

As I said, I had attended as both a parent AND a teacher.  But in all honesty, I also attended as my blogging/writing self since I had planned to write about the night on this #153Promise site.  I had managed to speak with him for a minute or two after the engagement, exchange cards, and even get a promotional picture.  It was important to me to get his permission to write about the workshop, and he was very nice.

So make it the #153Promise to come back every day this week to find out what I learned about stress and your children.  You’ll be surprised to know that the audience taught me a lot more than the psychologist…

 

A Traumatic Statistic: Prevalence of PTSD

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Organization and Business, Parenting, Relationships, School, ValidationLeave a comment

Fear, Woman, Crack, Notch, Furrow

Did you know that a whopping 70% of the general public will experience a traumatic event, and of those who do, 20% go on to develop PTSD?

Children lack the proper coping mechanisms, so they are particularly vulnerable.

War is not the only way to get PTSD.  Other traumatic events can include:

  • a serious injury or illness
  • a death
  • a car accident
  • a significant life change, like a divorce or move
  • abuse or bullying
  • dysfunction in the home, like yelling or addiction
  • a disaster like a fire
  • a crime
  • either first-hand experience of the events above or even witnessing them second-hand

The key to not developing PTSD in the first place is to get immediate aftercare.  But if that did not happen, it’s not too late to seek treatment for your child months or even years afterward.

Some of the symptoms of PTSD, according to the Mayo Clinic and WebMD re:

  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • Always being on guard for danger
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Not enjoying activities usually enjoyed
  • Avoiding certain situations
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Bad dreams
  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Panic attacks
  • Headaches, stomach aches, muscle pain without specific injury

For students, these may also manifest as lowered grades or discipline problems at school.

Candle, Rose, Tealight, Quiet

Every child deserves to feel at peace and safe in their environment.  You never know if something they experienced may have been recorded as a trauma in their brain and they need professional help to learn how to re-regulate their emotions.

If your child starts to begin to display any of the signs above, or if they or your family has experienced any of the major events listed above,  please make the #153Promise to contact their guidance counselor and share your concerns.

They may need validation from someone who understands what they are going through.

-KissesXxXx

 

Cursing Cupid- Shoot an Arrow through Expectations

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, humor, Love, Parenting, Relationships, ValidationLeave a comment

Love, Valentine'S Day, Pose, HeartT minus four days and counting…  The “holiday” that gets men in a panic and parents in a bind.

The internet is bursting with last minute ideas for “romantic” gifts.  Dollar stores (thank God!) still have boxes of cards on their shelves.  And adults everywhere are cursing Cupid.

But I’m kwel as a Kit Kat.  Why?

Because I have no expectations.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.

I tend to think that the more someone “needs” someone else to make a big deal over these special days, the more likely it is that that person has been ignored all year.

I’m not into a bipolar, feast or famine type of situation.  I just want to feel appreciated on a daily basis.  No need for fancy cards, flowers, or dinner to get my motor running.  Know what turns me on?  Coming home after a busy day to an empty sink and some folded laundry.  Oh, yeah…  Bow chick-a wow wow.

I was a Twelve-Stepper for a spell when I was working on my codependency issues, and I learned a great saying:

Expectations are just premeditated resentments.

It pretty much blew my mind.  If I expect a certain person to act a certain way or do a certain thing, then I’m just setting myself up to be disappointed.  However, I think the word “Passive” needs to be added at the start of the sentence.

Passive expectations are just premeditated resentments.

If I expect somebody to do something, but I don’t actively express to them my desires, I don’t think it’s fair to hold them hostage when they fail to read my mind.

Heart, Love, Romance, Valentine

So if you want to go out for dinner, tell your spouse.  If you want your children to set the table, tell them.  Then, after a while, they’ll do it on their own without you asking because they see how darn happy it makes you.

The same applies with my children. I’d rather them experience true happiness on a daily basis, rather than getting all worked up into a lather a few times a year.  It says to me that they feel special every day.

Lorenz Hart (ironically) wrote “My Funny Valentine,” and his lyrics express this sentiment perfectly:

Your looks are laughable; unphotograph-able…

Yet you’re my favorite work of art….

Each day is Valentines’ Day.

Make it your #153Promise this Valentines’ Day to have low expectations and to actively express them.

Shoot an arrow right through the hype.

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

“A Long Line of… Xs and Ys?” Hereditary Vs Genetic

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Poker, Playing, King, Ace, Game, Gambling, Card, HeartsIt takes a lot of introspection and a lot of ego-busting, but take a good, realistic, look at your kids.  What are they like?  Polite?  Kind?  Social?  Withdrawn?  Unruly?  Nasty?  Patient?  Short-tempered?  Flexible?  Anxious?

How did they get that way?  Most likely, it was from you.  Either from Nature (biologically) or Nurture (environmentally).  Sometimes, that line between the genes and the surroundings can get very perforated.

Many behaviors are hereditary… but that doesn’t mean it’s DNA related.  Let me explain…

First off, I must put a disclaimer: I am not a scientist.  But that does not mean what I am about to say is untrue.  In fact, I may be a very good person to be talking about the topic, since I can discuss it in very simple terms and not get too technical.  And if there are any scientists out there reading this post, by all means, back me up!

Some traits people have are genetic- passed down in DNA from the biological parents.  Babies are born that way.  Eye color, general body size, certain diseases or conditions like Downs Syndrome or cystic fibrosis… all these conditions are present at birth and are out of the person’s control.  A child adopted into a different family will not change the fate of these characteristics.

Then, there are certain traits that are fostered into a child: a good work ethic, cleanliness, organization skills… they can be taught.  Any skills that can be learned are usually not present at birth.  Granted, I am oversimplifying here.  But let’s use something like the model for a healthy relationship as an example.

People will tend to pick a potential partner for themselves that is a lot like the dynamics they witnessed growing up because that was the model shown to them.  Even though it may not be a good example, people become attracted to it because it feels like home.  I’ve mentioned before that my parents had a dysfunctional relationship.  As a result, I picked very bad people to get involved with up until I was about 36 (the magical number of years where a child has now spent just as much time away from their familial influence).

So if you identify patterns in your life that are not necessarily medically linked to your parents, look at the patterns in THEIR lives… then your grandparents’ lives…  Chances are, something was passed down from generation to generation that was not genetic, yet you inherited those traits.

College is another good example.  If your parents went to college, chances are, you will too.  And if you came from working class people, you most likely will go into the trade or family business or your parents.

But  there is no gene to my knowledge for picking a career or relationship.

Now that you can recognize that distinction, I think it’s important not to give too much credit to the gene pool.  Yes, you do get what you get by the roll of the Xs and Ys…  However, its crucial to admit that a lot of who we are is due to our environment.

True, science may have found certain genes LINKED to obesity or alcoholism.  However, look at the lifestyles the parents lead.  Parents who buy healthy food and model an active lifestyle usually do not have overweight kids.  I may have a gene linked to alcohol abuse, but if my parents never drank, that switch may never get turned on…  Conversely, I may have the intellectual potential to have a very high IQ, but if my parents never read to me or deprived me of stimulation at an early age, I will never fully reach my potential.

(I probably just stepped in it… right. about. now.)

My point is to be very careful how you view the mentality of “A chip off the old block” or “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”  If it’s out of pride, then by all means, take credit that you’ve got a “Mini Me.”

But if you are under the illusion that your child is destined to suffer the same fate as you, make the 153Promise to challenge that view.  Is your child bad at math because of some genetic aversion to numbers, or did they pick it up because they asked you for help and you said, “I’ve never been good at it, either.”

Is your child fated to be anxious because you were diagnosed with a genetic disorder, or is it that they learned from you that the world is scary because you are anxious… and so was your mother or father…  Or maybe you yell at them a lot, so they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop… Or both.

Make the 153Promise to see what “long line of” whatever your family comes from, and examine WHY you think that is.  If in doubt, ask your family doctor and if they don’t know, ask them for the name of a geneticist to learn whether or not you can change your child’s pattern of behaviors.

Give your children every opportunity to succeed, regardless of their chromosomes.

You may not be able to control the cards they were dealt, but you can help them play their hand to the best of their advantage.  And if you were never taught those skills, seek out someone who knows better than you.  Go or your child’s guidance counselor or pediatrician for support.

What “Long Line” do you want your children to come from???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cell Phone Angst… and Challenge

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, Relationships, School, Uncategorized6 Comments

How old are your children?  When did they get — or do you plan to get them — cell phones?  Why?  Smartphone, Woman, Girl, Iphone, Apple Inc, Touch

I ask because I fail to see cell phones improving the quality of life in tweens and teens.  Rather, I only see anxiety and a giant paradox regarding cell phone communication: the more kids use their phones, the less connected they feel to the people with whom they are supposed to be communicating.

I’m going to put my Teacher Hat on for this post and speak from the perspective of the educator.  Here is what I am seeing during the school day:

  1. Texting each other the first and last few minutes of class.  About what, I can only guess, as I cannot legally go into their devices… (But YOU can… if you dare.)
  2. Taking “selfies” and/or “Snapchatting/Vining,” then obsessively checking to see how many “likes” they are getting.
  3. Increased requests to leave the class to “go to the bathroom” or “get a drink.”  Presumably to use their phones so they don’t get in trouble during class.  I can’t tell them no, but they are losing instruction time, as their trips are longer than necessary to sneak in a few more texts.
  4. More requests to text parents because they “forgot” something.  This irony is that the more they rely on texting parents, the less they need to communicate with their families BEFORE  and AFTER the school day is in session.
  5. Notifying me that they need to go to the office to pick up something… presumably because they just got a text saying their item from #4 was just dropped off.

(On my own time, I even saw a post on a Moms’ FB group asking what other mothers would do if they saw test answers on their kid’s phone!)

You may ask why I don’t just have a policy… I. DO.  So does the district.  But if/when I go to enforce it, I have been subject to major tantrums.  And this is not just from the students.  I have been accused of “stealing” property when I confiscate the cell phone, enforcing the policy, and then returning the phone at the end of the day.  I have been called a “train wreck” and was told that I “need mental help.”  There have been threats on my job and my life.  I have been the victim of theft to retaliate against me.  All because I have asked that phones are out of my classroom.  I have a thick skin, and administration supports me, so I just handle it like the strong human I am.  But what concerns me more are how the STUDENTS are actually suffering.

Some students are so dependent upon their phones that asking them to part with them for the 40 minutes I have them for class is almost impossible for them.  So I implore all parents…  Please do not contribute to the angst.  I am only asking for two things:

  1. Tell your kids that you do not want them using them during classes and if you get a report from their teacher that they were seen out, you will suspend them from their phone for a day… then week… then moth… then cancelled.
  2. Tell them that you will no longer be available to them DURING the school day. (Or if that’s not doable, at least only during their or your lunch for a one-time contact point to send or receive a communication.)  That means you’ll have to do a better job of planning rides, and they will not be able to have you run them forgotten items.
Portrait, Face, Pale, Expressive, Eyes, Nose, MouthBlame the teachers.  Blame your boss/job.  Or even tell them you are making the 153Promise to them that you want them to spend the school day concentrating on… school and not on social drama.  Explain to them that the more you rely on the cell phones, the more anxiety it actually causes because it’s no longer a communication device- it’s an enabling device that’s preventing them from developing good habits of planning, self-reliance, and security/trust among family members.
So I’m throwing out another challenge: enact the two rules above.  Just like the Bus Challenge, I am going to suggest that the more either you or your child balks at the “Phone Challenge,” the more you may need to add it to your lives.  I’d love to know who does it and how it goes!
Kisses!  XxXx