My school district is back to the classroom today.
Now that I’m officially into the swing of things for the new year of 2016, I’m going to begin my 153Promise list of the different ways to give your 153 Kisses-a-Day in the form of some positive parenting choices to foster good emotional and mental health.
If your kids went back to school today, what was the scene? Was it calm and relaxed, or was there a bunch of yelling, scrambling and stress? What did they eat for breakfast? DID they eat breakfast? What’s on the schedule for after school? When did they go to bed last night, and what time to they plan to go to bed tonight? What’s for dinner? Is there a plan to all sit down together, or is it catch as catch can?
As you go through (or went through, depending upon when you read this), your day today, think about the above questions and be mindful of all the decisions you make as a family that contributes to the overall atmosphere of your home life.
Make the 153 Promise every day to contribute to a peaceful household.
The first step to making these positive choices is to recognize when you are doing things that are NOT getting you the desired reactions you desire.
Make today’s 153 Promise to evaluate the climate of your family.
Tomorrow, I will begin to make posts about what you can do on a daily basis to bring some calm to the daily routines so your family can begin to enjoy more peaceful family moments.
Most of the time, I have a basic idea of what I’m going to write a few posts ahead of time. But today, I want to put my schedule aside to address something interesting that happened this morning with my son.
He and I were in the car on our way to his preschool. He randomly asked me if we were going to get a sofa today. I wondered what spurred this question. I looked around and saw lots of delivery trucks on the highway, so I figured there must have been a picture of a furniture company’s showroom on the side of one of them. But why would my son think that we might buy a sofa? Then it hit me: my husband and I were talking about it yesterday when our son was supposedly taking a nap.
It was not the most riveting conversation we’ve had- a liquidation warehouse was having their year-end sale and we were debating whether or not to purchase a sectional. You could say we were arguing in the truest sense of the word… merely presenting varied points of view. We were not angry, but we may have raised our voices as opinions and teasing mounted. We were hardly angry and the whole exchange might have taken ten minutes. But apparently, those ten minutes were significant enough in a 3.5 year old’s mind to pop into his head the next day.
All over a sofa.
Can you imagine the impact if it were a more serious topic?
Indeed, the walls have ears. You may think they are asleep, but voices carry. You may be in the finished basement with several floors between you, but not if they are secretly standing at the top of the stairs. Air vents carry more than the hot air from the heat pump.
So make it your 153Promise today to accept that any conversation you may be having with your partner, your children may very well hear it.
Would you want them to be burdened with the knowledge that you are struggling to make ends meet? That your marriage is rocky? That you’re running out of ideas of what to do regarding their behavior? That their shortcomings drive you crazy?
I was that kid at the top of the stairs 30-some years ago. It was the creepiest feeling to know that conversations about me were going on without me. It was like sneaking into a movie theater to the sequel of a really bad horror flick. And I was the supporting role without any lines.
Please make the153Promise to choose your words wisely. Because you never know how the words you utter will ultimately land. Earshot is a lot farther reaching than you realize.
I had an mini epiphany when I was at my friend’s family watching them opening up Christmas presents. One of the gifts was a pair of boots that appeared to be a little too small.
“I can always take them back to the store to see if they come in the larger size,” she said.
That’s when it hit me- I wish it were that easy with our words. Or can it be?
How many times do you hear one kid yell to another, “You take that back,” as if someone’s insults were a pair of boots that didn’t fit. But unlike ill-fitting footwear, our words’ impact cannot be undone by sending them back to the originator. It’s not that simple… or can it be? Maybe kids are more enlightened than they get credit for.
We can make the 153Promise by selecting our words carefully so only loving supportive phrases come from our mouths. That alone is a great start. But we are human, and there are times where we will fall short and we’ll say things that just don’t fit.
You can still keep true to your 153Promise when you slip and say something hurtful. You can allow yourself to “Take Them Back” when you realize that you spoke out of anger or insensitivity.
If your kidding around went too far, you can say, “I take it back… I was only joking. I was trying to be funny, but I can see that it wasn’t kind. I’m sorry.”
Or if you had a bad day and your nerves are fried and you lash out at your son or daughter, you can say, “I take it back… I didn’t really mean to hurt your feelings with what I said. It’s just that I am really in a bad mood from something else. You don’t deserve that treatment from me. I’m sorry.”
As long as most of your behavior is certain way, I’d say the 10% rule works. If 9/10 comments you make are positive, then the 10% you make that are falling short, a heartfelt “I take it back” can work. But if you have to take back half of what you say, then the apology loses their effectiveness… as do the positive comments you actually mean.
So make your 153Promise by making sure your words fit for the occasion. And on the rare occasion they don’t, make the 153Promise to Take It Back.
I was a bit long-winded yesterday, so I’ll try to make my Christmas post a bit more concise…
I got onto Facebook this morning and was greeted by tons of beaming smiles and pictures of presents. And that’s awesome. But what happens once the euphoria wears off and normalcy sets in? Will the extreme happiness still be there? Or will there be a little anti-climactic letdown as we get on with daily life?
My husband and I got into a deep philosophical chat about my issue with the “Happiness is your birthright” comment in the Angel From Hell trailer I posted. He didn’t understand my objection. He thought it’s a nice idea to think that everybody deserves to be happy; I argued that we do NOT deserve to be happy; just have our needs met. And that’s where we began to pontificate.
From my perspective, the only thing we deserve is to not suffer.
If I do not go hungry, I have heat when I’m cold and my other basic needs met, then that’s good enough for me. Truly.
I do not think I’m entitled to anything more than to break even in my day. Anything else is extra and while it may roll over into tomorrow and can ease any insecurities, it’s not happiness.
Similarly, money and possessions cannot bring happiness; rather, I think it just raises the bar higher to make increasing demands to keep a certain status quo. I prefer not to chase this elusive emotion. I’d rather just achieve contentment with what I already possess.
But if happiness means the ability to experience joy, then yes, we all should possesses this skill.
The key is to be able to experience intense pleasure from every day events: a feel of piece of chocolate as it melts in your mouth; the smell of the earth on a warm day; the song of a bird at dusk; a cozy sweatshirt…
All these little sensations bring me happiness because I realize how lucky I am to be able to be in the present moment and be thankful for these little gifts.
But I do not think that the mere fact that I am on this Earth entitles me to any excess beyond sustaining life.
So my 153Promise for the day is to remind my children to be thankful for all the extras they have in life.
It may be a cliché, but happiness really is a state of mind that comes from within. If being content with what we already have can be our new happiness, then that’s the key to true inner peace.
Fostering this ability is the best gift we can give our children.
It’s Christmas Eve Day. Kids are out of school; there are last minute shopping for stocking stuffers; cookies are laid out, and presents go under the tree for tomorrow morning.
Little ones will wake up super early, eager to rip open their gifts.
Some even go to church.
Before I get too deep into my post, I submit to you one of my favorite clips of the holidays:
I try not to speak too much about faith on this blog because that subject can get very touchy due to all the perversions of the beliefs in all the different world religions. However, I think it’s appropriate today, given all the expectations of tonight and tomorrow. But first, I think it’s only fair that I tell you a little bit about who I am so you have a little perspective on the woman who’s writing this Christmas Miracle post…
I am Muslim. I converted (some prefer the term ‘reverted’) when I got married to my husband several years ago. I thought it was important to have a united front as a family. His whole family is wonderful and they all live the true Islamic way. They love God (Allah) and have shown me more love since meeting me a few years ago than I’ve experienced my whole life by my family of origin.
Before that, I was studying Buddhism. (I still do.) Before that, I was not much of anything. Before that, I was a hard core Catholic. Like, leading the Sunday mass as a cantor in high school Catholic. My journey has had many twists and turns, but my path right now has me wearing a scarf. (I suppose when I decide to commit to something, I really embrace it.)
People see the scarf and make all kinds of assumptions. People think I’m oppressed, crazy, brainwashed, a terrorist… all those great media-perpetuated stereotypes. People somehow think Islam is the Anti-Christian religion. As a result, I feel like I need to go out of my way to really get into the holiday spirit, just to show that Muslims are not some Godless group. I’m sure most of the general public would be shocked to learn that we “believe” in Jesus- he’s in the Qur’an. He was born of the Virgin Mary. He traveled and preached the Word of God. He was prosecuted for his teachings, and he will come back at the end of days as the Messiah. The main departure is that Muslims do not concede that Jesus is God, and that he did not die on the cross for our sins. But many surveys have been conducted asking self-proclaimed Christians if they believe that Jesus is the only way to everlasting life, and the numbers are in the teens.
I could go on and on about the topic of the faiths and how they are observed, but in short, I am NOT anti-Christmas. When people ask me if I “celebrate” Christmas, I have to really gage how they ask it. Are they worried about offending me? Are they asking about Islam? Is it just a passive aggressive poke? So to answer, while I do not acknowledge Christmas as a day to give praise to the birth of God incarnate, yes, I do observe that this is the time to recognize the birth of Jesus.
It’s also the time of the winter solstice and the new calendar year.
So do I decorate for the season? Yes. In fact, we’re the only house on the block with religious decorations! (We have an light up angel hanging off our porch banister.)
Do I give gifts of affection when we visit relatives over winter break? Yes. We have pictures of our son sitting on Santa’s lap (taken for free at the YMCA). In Turkey, Santa is called “Noel Baba” and in fact, the original St. Nicholas is from Turkey! You see him and decorated trees in Turkish malls this time of year.
In short, do I participate in the wide-spread secularism of Christmas? Like most of the general public, yes. But our household keeps it low key for two reasons:
we truly embrace what Christmas is all about and treat the true meaning with respect
we are trying to teach our children moderation and not buy into the sense of greed and entitlement of the season.
I held this position even before I met my now husband. I’ve always thought that Jesus has been lost along the way and capitalism has taken over. Sad on all accounts. In that sense, Charlie Brown and I are of the same mind.
So my point is that I’d love to see some Christmas Miracles tonight and tomorrow… if you celebrate Christmas, please take your children to church. Pray to God for peace on Earth. Think of Jesus and what he preached during his 33 years. Listen to the sermon of your spiritual leaders. Hopefully, he or she will remind the congregation that we are all brothers and sisters in the eyes of God.
And when your children begin with the Gimmie-gimmies, pause for a moment to give them a reality check about where their hearts are Christmas morning. In that sense, a little Buddhist mindfulness would be a great addition amongst the boxes and bows.
What prompted me to make this post?
I was on the elliptical at the Y yesterday, and this came on the machine:
Perfect timing, ironically. Just as the story of the angel of the Lord sends word to Mary that she will be giving birth to Jesus, an Angel from Hell comes to a woman and tells her that, “You don’t just deserve to be happy; it’s your birthright.”
Really???
That sense of entitlement is exactly what is wrong with our society.
Yes, I am Muslim. And I am going to truly observe the meaning of Christmas by humbly praying to God that parents everywhere — no matter what faith — make the 153Promise to their families by teaching their children to be thankful for everything that they have. Gifts are not just the items under the tree. Gifts are everywhere: your home, your working body parts, your bosses or teachers, your relatives…
It’s my prayer that Christmas Miracles of appreciation are in the air… no just tonight and tomorrow, but all year around.
A colleague of mine came into school yesterday with some new bling. She and her boyfriend have been dating for seven years and they’ve been discussing marriage; even to the point of looking at houses. So she knew “The Day” was coming… just not when.
As it turns out, he was being stealthy, planning something before the holidays. Nice. She was truly surprised and she showed me the great photos- complete with rose petals and the backdrop of Central Park.
I told her that she would be the inspiration for my post today, since I figure that a lot of proposals would be happening this holiday week.
I know it’s tempting to rush out and get wedding planning books, bride magazines, and begin calling around to find just the right venue. However, I am going to strongly suggest the FIRST item you buy is this great book:
There’s also a workbook that comes along with it you can buy. It’s well written — intelligent but digestible — and if you like his stuff, he’s got many more books about marriage, parenting, and emotional intelligence.
Because while the trappings of a wedding can be very seductive, once all the cake has been eaten and people finally take your “Save the Date” postcard magnet off the fridge, you’re left with this person you married.
The topic of how to raise children may not be the first thing couples talk about when deciding whether or not to tie the knot, but it’s important to keep in mind why your are making this commitment… presumably to have a family and create a stable environment for your children.
So to all those people who’ve popped or been popped to… Congratulations!
Now make the 153Promise to each other and your future family by digging a solid foundation to the life you are seeking to build.
Note: My vision of this blog is to be a resource for ways to give children positive messages to raise a emotionally healthy child. Once 2016 begins, I intend to make my own 153Promise to make 153 blog entries on ways to “kiss” your child so they wind up with “On Million Kisses” by the time they turn 18. Until then, I’m throwing out a bunch of content that’s been on my mind for quite some time. This is one of those posts…
Every parent knows the “joys” of the yearly physical checkup at the pediatrician. It’s usually scheduled at a sick visit when you child needs antibiotics for that horrible cough or ear ache. The very nice physicians’ assistant (PA) helpfully suggests, “Would you like to schedule your yearly well visit at this time?” This is usually in February and the calendar is booked well into July. Still, you pick a random date towards the end of the summer and pray you don’t forget it. Thankfully, the offices sends you a reminder call 48 hours in advance so you can cancel the plans you made in the meantime.
Your child gets weighed and measured. Poked and prodded. Not unlike picking the perfect melon for a picnic. 98.6? Check. Still ten fingers and toes? Check. Pooping? Check.
All of this is important, just to make sure everything’s looking normal. We trust the doctor to pick up anything unusual, and the doctor trusts us to divulge any concerns we may have. It’s a system that’s been in place for ages.
Why not for mental health?
You may say that primary care physicians (PCPs) are trained for such screenings, but their training is limited. Kind of like a plumber fixing your leaky sink and noting that the wiring may — or may not — be grounded right in your kitchen outlets. You need to call an electrician to get a more educated opinion.
My wish is that EVERY child in the U. S. gets a yearly screening for any issues dealing with mental health. It should be done by a highly trained, highly astute therapist who knows how to spot the markers for things like anxiety, depression, mood disorders… There should be a very detailed pre-visit form to fill out. Depending upon the age of the child, they should be part of that process, similar to the courts considering the child’s opinion in custody hearings.
A questionnaire with the Strongly Agree; Agree; Neutral; Disagree; Strongly Disagree should be filled out by both the caregiver and the child. Part of HIPA, there should be parts of the form that can be voluntarily filled out by a PA without the parent present if the child needs help with the form and the parent gives consent in order to ensure that the child is forthcoming with the answers.
Questions like:
I am happy at school
I feel supported at home
I feel in control of my life
I go to sleep without fear
I make healthy choices about my body
My friendships add to my enjoyment of life
There is an adult I trust if I have problems
I do not feel like I am in danger in any way
Or for the more concerning:
My life feels out of control sometimes
I have thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore
There are some fears I can’t get out of my head
I fear some people in my life
I don’t enjoy activities I used to like
People don’t notice my problems
Even very young children could point to emojis or pick pictures to color to get an idea of how they view the world and their place in it.
I firmly believe that if we as a nation start focusing our attention on these types of issues at a very early age, we could see a huge turn around in how we treat children with regarding mental health issues.
If a child’s responses start showing a cause for concern, early interventions can be done. Things as simple as recommending a support group for both the parents and child… Recommending certain books or resources for the family… even a few intensive sessions with a therapist to teach coping mechanisms… for the entire family.
Will this cost money upfront? Perhaps. But imagine how much money would be saved by having a whole generation of more well adjusted people walking around. Imagine crime rates going down. Addiction being reduced. Fewer suicides or mass shootings.
The real tragedy that occurs in horrible media events is when people are interviewed and say, “Yeah… there were some red flags.”
It’s my hope that 153Promise takes off and becomes a platform for sweeping mental health reform for children.
That’s my mission. Some may think I’m crazy, and I need to get my head examined.
When I was in high school, I discovered musicals. My favorite at the time was Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim. It’s a mash-up of several fairy tales, whereby they all have to go into the woods to get what they want. (Symbolism, anybody?)
Toward the end of the work, a widower/baker begins to tell his fussing infant child the story of his mother, creating a legacy for his offspring. The witch who was the antagonist throughout the plot stands off to the side, offering one of the main messages of the musical in the form of a haunting lullaby, warning:
Careful the things you say; Children will listen. Careful the things you do; Children will see And learn.
Children may not obey, But children will listen. Children will look to you For which way to turn- To learn what to be. Careful before you say: “Listen to me.” Children will listen…
I remember singing along with my tape (yes, I’m that old), in my bedroom and I loved that song for it’s bittersweetness. Now that I’m a mother and have children of my own, I understand this song on a whole different level.
For me now, the message this song sends is that your sons and daughters will learn about the world through your words and actions. What lessons do you want to send through how you act?
The first understandings of how a relationship is supposed to function is from how you interact with your partner. (At a young age, they cannot separate themselves from the situation; how you react with them teaches them more about the world; not interpersonal communication.) Therefore, it is very important to model what a healthy, loving relationship looks and sounds like.
I was given the model of dysfunction. When I was growing up, my parents argued all the time. They were never affectionate. I came to believe that the people who are highly involved in your life are also the ones who know you enough to hypercritical about you. Hugging and kissing was only the stuff in movies and obviously not reality. As a result, I sought out that same dysfunction I was used to seeing as a child.
Only now as I write this am I realizing that it took another 18 years away from my parents to totally relearn life lessons in how to attract and keep functional relationships. I think I am not unique in this phenomenon whereby people turn a corner in their insight about their lives in their mid 30s- it’s because they have had as many years away from their family of origin to realize that their understanding of the world and the people in it comes from their childhood and is not necessarily Truth.
When your children experience second hand your relationship you have with their father, mother — biological or otherwise — you are really creating a certain “relationship radar” in your children. So make the 153Promise to your husband, wife, partner or any other people your children come in contact with to model the type of relationship your children will have when they become old enough to have one of their own.
I’m in my 40s. When I was in school, I remember this PSA on TV:
It was so prevalent in our culture because of Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” platform and the huge presence of the drug culture.
I was never part of that crowd, so it never really had much of an impact upon me. However, I think it’s totally appropriate now that I’m a parent. Kids do learn from their parents. So what lessons do you want to teach?
It’s easier to watch what you say to your children about their behaviors, but what are you saying about yourself ?
If you put yourself down in any way, you are basically saying, “I’m crap.” This damages your children’s self esteem because they are created by you. Do you really want them thinking, “I’m the offspring of crap” ?
I always remember this warning when I hear, “Oh my… your daughter looks JUST like you!” I get this all. the. time. Now, can you imagine if she hears me say in the mirror, “I hate my nose… I wish I had bigger lips… my butt looks fat…” Instead, I beam with pride and say, “Thank you! She’s so lucky, isn’t she? Because I’m gorgeous!!!” And I’m NOT being sarcastic! Lighthearted, yes, as not to be boastful. But I want my daughter to feel proud that she comes from me.
The Dove line of beauty products nailed it in their recent beauty campaign:
Are you crying yet?
So please remember that when you make the 153Promise to love your child, that 153Promise starts with you! Remember to be kind to your own spirit and teach your children that they are valued… by valuing yourself.
It’s only twelve days until Christmas, and people everywhere are rushing around to buy gifts for each other.
I’ve been to one party where the “rule” was for everyone to buy each other a $20.00 gift card.
I know some families who start groups on FB just to list what they want for gifts.
One of my colleagues said her mother texted a due date for gift requests before her shopping day and she got a another text warning her that if she missed the deadline, she’d only get socks and underwear.
I have to say, I never quite got the concept of buying gifts when they seem to be a mandatory exchange. If I have to buy for you and you have to buy for me, why don’t we just agree to skip the whole business and just stay at home with a good movie instead of getting mauled at the mall?
After all, why do we give gifts, anyway? Isn’t it as a token of affection? Isn’t it as a symbolic gesture during Christmas to replicate the giving of the gifts from the Magi?
Don’t get me wrong- I love the season with the yummy foods, beautiful lights, and cozy smells. But I am suggesting that we re-examine the spirit in which gifts are supposed to be given and if you still feel the pressure to get something for those near and dear to you (if you haven’t already), consider a gift that goes far beyond some pretty wrap, bow, or bag.
Or even if you have purchased the requisite present, imagine if came along with the 153Promise of giving them daily affection with the goal of supporting a functional, loving relationship.
Some possible ways to do this are:
-Buy some books on parenting, relationships or self-help books about issues you are currently working on and sharing that purchase with your loved one
-Take your family shopping together for games (that you play at a table- NOT a computer) you can play as a family
-Have a family meeting to decide on a few day trips like the zoo, a museum, or some other experiential activity
There are many other possibilities… one great way is to ask them what they’d like to do, rather than what they want.
So as you watch everybody else run around for last minute shopping for things that most likely will end up in the back of the closet in a few weeks, why not make the decision to put a stop to that materialistic pressure and put your energy into truly making the spirit bright… by showing your affection through deeds and time and making an effort on a daily basis to show them just how much you love them.
That’s a gift everyone will be able to enjoy all year long.
If your kids went back to school today, what was the scene? Was it calm and relaxed, or was there a bunch of yelling, scrambling and stress? What did they eat for breakfast? DID they eat breakfast? What’s on the schedule for after school? When did they go to bed last night, and what time to they plan to go to bed tonight? What’s for dinner? Is there a plan to all sit down together, or is it catch as catch can?
He and I were in the car on our way to his preschool. He randomly asked me if we were going to get a sofa today. I wondered what spurred this question. I looked around and saw lots of delivery trucks on the highway, so I figured there must have been a picture of a furniture company’s showroom on the side of one of them. But why would my son think that we might buy a sofa? Then it hit me: my husband and I were talking about it yesterday when our son was supposedly taking a nap.
A "Trauma-Free Parenting" Initiative 