Tag: relationships

“O” is for Observe

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Parenting, politics, Relationships, SchoolLeave a comment

Quick Quiz:

What is the U.S. of A.’s national symbol?

Can you imagine if “B” were the symbol of the U.S. Military? There’s a reason one of the world’s Super Powers’ wants to be associated with keen eye sight.  It keeps us protected.

Observation is a powerful tool.

Eyes, See, Point Of View, Window, Sensation, CharmAs a teacher, I have to report students’ observable behavior to case managers and guidance counselors all the time.  It’s called “Progress Monitoring.”

Santa sees children when they are both sleeping and awake.

We, as a society, are under surveillance everywhere we go.  Kind of creepy, until you become a victim of a crime and law enforcement can pull up video to catch a suspect.

How observant are you regarding your own children?Ostrich, Eyes, Animals, Portrait, Observe, Green, Head

  • Can you tell when he or she is sick, tired, or had a bad day at school?
  • When was the last time you went through their backpack?
  • Their room or the things in it?
  • Their cell phone?
  • How about any prescription drugs in the house?

I’ll admit, there seems to be a fine line between observing and spying.  But your children are under your charge.  They are minors living under your roof and you do NOT need a warrant in order to seize and search the items you pay for.

I think there’s a right and a wrong way to do it, though.

I was under strict surveillance growing up.  I think it was too much.  I had no voice at home (more on that later) and everything I did was criticized.  I wasn’t a bad kid; my dad was paranoid.  As a result, ironically, it backfired and I did and hid things just to have some part of my life that wasn’t under their thumb.

My father’s observation was unwarranted (figuratively!) so it was a major source of stress in my life.  He also was sneaky about it and didn’t just keep a watchful parental eye over my life- he snooped.  So did my mother.  As a result, I felt very violated.  And I did the only thing I could think of: I rebelled… but I had to in a very passive aggressive way, or I’d get in BIG trouble.  That’s not the tactic to take when observing.

Rather, you set up the parameters and boundaries AHEAD of time.  You articulate consequences BEFORE infractions.  And you let them know that if you ever suspect something concerning, you will TELL them what you OBSERVED and then request to observe more data to either dispel or confirm your fears that they may be doing something that is putting them in harm’s way.  And, of course, you say it in a kind — rather than threatening — tone.

It’s called transparency.

If you children think that you can see right through them, your conscience will guide them when you are not physically around.

How are they behaving in school?  Who are their friends and what are they texting?  Are they are where they say they are?  Do they eat their lunch you pack?

Make it your #153Promise to be an eagle; not an ostrich.

-Kisses!  XxXx

*I did the research, and technically, their heads are in sand a lot to check on their eggs… which are buried in the sand.  So you still get a gold star for the day.  I was focusing on the popularly accepted metaphor.  (Just in case some ornithologist is reading my post!)

 

Social Media is “S & M”

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized1 Comment
woman-929838_1920Twitter; Instagram; Snapchat; Facebook…  these are the new ways to forge relationships, “Like” it, or not.

I find people’s behaviors on social media very interesting.  It’s like of like being drunk: it’s an altered state.  People post things to their “Friends” and make comments they would NEVER do in “real” life.  It begs the question- do people’s real hidden sides come out on the internet, or is there something essentially nefarious about screen interactions?

I’ve seen people who are normally very decorous give raunchy memes the “thumbs up.”  Closeted bigots post anti-fill-in-the-blank comments.  People go on rants about other people and things get shared, amplified and eventually feelings get hurt and real-life friends or relatives get blocked or “un-friended.”

It’s no coincidence to me that social media has “S” and “M” as its initials.  There’s a certain sadistic pleasure some people get from updating a status that will irk others.  And I can’t tell you how many times I read or hear about people’s feelings getting hurt because they were excluded from whatever online group membership they belong… yet they continue to engage in the drama, as if they get some sort or masochistic rush.

In that sense, I don’t see adults being any more mature than their teenage counterparts.

Kids learn what they see.  What kinds of real messages about relationships are you sending by the ones you post online?

Make it the #153Promise to model Sensitivity and Moderation with your social media.

“A Long Line of… Xs and Ys?” Hereditary Vs Genetic

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Poker, Playing, King, Ace, Game, Gambling, Card, HeartsIt takes a lot of introspection and a lot of ego-busting, but take a good, realistic, look at your kids.  What are they like?  Polite?  Kind?  Social?  Withdrawn?  Unruly?  Nasty?  Patient?  Short-tempered?  Flexible?  Anxious?

How did they get that way?  Most likely, it was from you.  Either from Nature (biologically) or Nurture (environmentally).  Sometimes, that line between the genes and the surroundings can get very perforated.

Many behaviors are hereditary… but that doesn’t mean it’s DNA related.  Let me explain…

First off, I must put a disclaimer: I am not a scientist.  But that does not mean what I am about to say is untrue.  In fact, I may be a very good person to be talking about the topic, since I can discuss it in very simple terms and not get too technical.  And if there are any scientists out there reading this post, by all means, back me up!

Some traits people have are genetic- passed down in DNA from the biological parents.  Babies are born that way.  Eye color, general body size, certain diseases or conditions like Downs Syndrome or cystic fibrosis… all these conditions are present at birth and are out of the person’s control.  A child adopted into a different family will not change the fate of these characteristics.

Then, there are certain traits that are fostered into a child: a good work ethic, cleanliness, organization skills… they can be taught.  Any skills that can be learned are usually not present at birth.  Granted, I am oversimplifying here.  But let’s use something like the model for a healthy relationship as an example.

People will tend to pick a potential partner for themselves that is a lot like the dynamics they witnessed growing up because that was the model shown to them.  Even though it may not be a good example, people become attracted to it because it feels like home.  I’ve mentioned before that my parents had a dysfunctional relationship.  As a result, I picked very bad people to get involved with up until I was about 36 (the magical number of years where a child has now spent just as much time away from their familial influence).

So if you identify patterns in your life that are not necessarily medically linked to your parents, look at the patterns in THEIR lives… then your grandparents’ lives…  Chances are, something was passed down from generation to generation that was not genetic, yet you inherited those traits.

College is another good example.  If your parents went to college, chances are, you will too.  And if you came from working class people, you most likely will go into the trade or family business or your parents.

But  there is no gene to my knowledge for picking a career or relationship.

Now that you can recognize that distinction, I think it’s important not to give too much credit to the gene pool.  Yes, you do get what you get by the roll of the Xs and Ys…  However, its crucial to admit that a lot of who we are is due to our environment.

True, science may have found certain genes LINKED to obesity or alcoholism.  However, look at the lifestyles the parents lead.  Parents who buy healthy food and model an active lifestyle usually do not have overweight kids.  I may have a gene linked to alcohol abuse, but if my parents never drank, that switch may never get turned on…  Conversely, I may have the intellectual potential to have a very high IQ, but if my parents never read to me or deprived me of stimulation at an early age, I will never fully reach my potential.

(I probably just stepped in it… right. about. now.)

My point is to be very careful how you view the mentality of “A chip off the old block” or “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”  If it’s out of pride, then by all means, take credit that you’ve got a “Mini Me.”

But if you are under the illusion that your child is destined to suffer the same fate as you, make the 153Promise to challenge that view.  Is your child bad at math because of some genetic aversion to numbers, or did they pick it up because they asked you for help and you said, “I’ve never been good at it, either.”

Is your child fated to be anxious because you were diagnosed with a genetic disorder, or is it that they learned from you that the world is scary because you are anxious… and so was your mother or father…  Or maybe you yell at them a lot, so they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop… Or both.

Make the 153Promise to see what “long line of” whatever your family comes from, and examine WHY you think that is.  If in doubt, ask your family doctor and if they don’t know, ask them for the name of a geneticist to learn whether or not you can change your child’s pattern of behaviors.

Give your children every opportunity to succeed, regardless of their chromosomes.

You may not be able to control the cards they were dealt, but you can help them play their hand to the best of their advantage.  And if you were never taught those skills, seek out someone who knows better than you.  Go or your child’s guidance counselor or pediatrician for support.

What “Long Line” do you want your children to come from???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Kind of Mistakes Are You Willing to Stand By?

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Drip, Milk, Pour, Liquid, FoodI’d like to build upon yesterday’s post about parenting styles.

It’s not as easy as checking one box and moving forward.  We are human beings, and we can’t be lumped into all one category- there’s bleed over from one style to another.

Similarly, there’s times in life where a person could actually benefit from an Authoritarian upbringing (military) or Permissive (artist).

And of course, we are all human, so we may try as hard as we can, but we’re bound to make mistakes.  Even the most balanced, kind-yet-firm Authoritative parent may have a short fuse one day, and snap.  They most likely will apologize to the child afterward, but what if that child’s memory bank stores THAT moment as one of the top moments in their recall?

Let’s face it: no matter how hard we try, we have to reconcile that when our kids grow up, they most likely will realize that our parenting played a crucial role in who they are.  And since nobody’s perfect, they also will most likely credit us with their shortcomings.

So the big question is: what mistakes are you willing to make?

We all know the saying, “There’s no use crying over spilt milk.”  Yes, it’s true that once a mistake is made, perseverating over the issue will not clean it up.  But first, you must acknowledge that there is a mess to clean up.  Then you grab a sponge and move forward.

Today, make the 153Promise to really take a good, long look at your children and how they are turning out.  Pay attention to how they react to a variety of circumstances and be really honest- do I stand by my kids’ behavior?  Are they are great example of my parenting so far?  Is there any “spilt milk” I need to clean up in my parenting?

Over the weekend, I plan to post about the role we play in our children’s personalities.

Kisses!  XxXx

 

 

Love Triangles… or squares, or pentagons, or… Teaching That Supplies are UNlimited!

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Relationships, ValidationLeave a comment

My son just turned three and a half years old yesterday.  I can’t say enough about the guy.  He’s bright, got a sunny disposition and a laugh that could melt the Antarctic.  Every day, I thank God for my precious gift.

I love watching him develop and learn new skills as he figures out the world and his place in it.  It’s the coolest thing when something is there today that wasn’t there yesterday.  And that new concept is… jealousy.

My son and I were hanging out in the kitchen yesterday morning.  My husband comes down the stairs into the living room.  He says good morning, and I go over to give him a hug and kiss.  Our usually happy-go-lucky son hops down off the stool and says, “No, Baba, (that’s Turkish for Daddy), that’s MY Mommish!” (That’s our son’s Turklish pet name for me.)

I instantly said to my boy, “Oh, sweetie, there’s enough love for everybody!”  We then made a counting game of me kissing my son ten times, and then I kissed my husband ten times.  And so on until we ended in a three-way hug.

I totally can see why my son was upset.  We are constantly teaching him to share… because most times, the set item has a finite supply and anything he takes means that someone else will have to do without.  It is totally understandable to apply the same logic to kisses: if I give ten kisses to my husband, that leaves ten fewer for my son, right???

So we had to show our son that there will never be an end to kisses.  They are not like toys at the YMCA playground or animal crackers at snack time.  It’s not a game to compete for the limited supply.

Now, can you imagine if I shamed him by reprimanding his behavior?  That he shouldn’t WANT my love?  If I had pushed him away to keep hugging my husband, that would have taught my son that my love IS a thing to compete for and covet.   No child should be made to feel guilty for wanting their parents’ love.  It would have caused him anxiety and rightfully so.   Love should never be contest.

So next time one of your children is competing for your attention (which is really your affection), explain to them that the best way to give everybody what they want is to all pile together and get it done!

Feeling pulled in different directions?  If everybody folds the laundry together, then there’s more time freed up to work on homework, together, at the same table.

It’s just like architecture: the more (tri)angles there are, the stronger the structure.  So the more people sharing the love, the more triangles can be formed, thereby strengthening the love!

So make the 153Promise to show the regenerating power of your love!  Supplies unlimited: Act Now!

-Kisses!  XxXx

 

 

 

Sondheim Was Right

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, RelationshipsLeave a comment

When I was in high school, I discovered musicals.  My favorite at the time was Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim.  It’s a mash-up of several fairy tales, whereby they all have to go into the woods to get what they want.  (Symbolism, anybody?)

Toward the end of the work, a widower/baker begins to tell his fussing infant child the story of his mother, creating a legacy for his offspring.  The witch who was the antagonist throughout the plot stands off to the side, offering one of the main messages of the musical in the form of a haunting lullaby, warning:

     Careful the things you say;
     Children will listen.
     Careful the things you do;
     Children will see
     And learn.
     Children may not obey,
     But children will listen.
     Children will look to you
     For which way to turn-
     To learn what to be.
     Careful before you say:
     “Listen to me.”
     Children will listen…
I remember singing along with my tape (yes, I’m that old), in my bedroom and I loved that song for it’s bittersweetness.  Now that I’m a mother and have children of my own, I understand this song on a whole different level.
For me now, the message this song sends is that your sons and daughters will learn about the world through your words and actions.  What lessons do you want to send through how you act?
 The first understandings of how a relationship is supposed to function is from how you interact with your partner.  (At a young age, they cannot separate themselves from the situation; how you react with them teaches them more about the world; not interpersonal communication.)  Therefore, it is very important to model what a healthy, loving relationship looks and sounds like.
I was given the model of dysfunction.  When I was growing up, my parents argued all the time.  They were never affectionate.  I came to believe that the people who are highly involved in your life are also the ones who know you enough to hypercritical about you.  Hugging and kissing was only the stuff in movies and obviously not reality.  As a result, I sought out that same dysfunction I was used to seeing as a child.
Only now as I write this am I realizing that it took another 18  years away from my parents to totally relearn life lessons in how to attract and keep functional relationships.  I think I am not unique in this phenomenon whereby people turn a corner in their insight about their lives in their mid 30s- it’s because they have had as many years away from their family of origin to realize that their understanding of the world and the people in it comes from their childhood and is not necessarily Truth.
When your children experience second hand your relationship you have with their father, mother — biological or otherwise — you are really creating a certain “relationship radar” in your children.  So make the 153Promise to your husband, wife, partner or any other people your children come in contact with to model the type of relationship your children will have when they become old enough to have one of their own.
Children will listen, see, and learn.
Make their lessons happy .

When We Fail…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

(Note: I am not finished with this post, but I wanted to push it out.  Please check back later on in the week for more content.)

Yes, this is a site that wants to focus on showing love and affection to our children.  I can practically smell the chocolate chip cookies and am blinded by all the shiny glitter.  But sometimes, it’s necessary to go a little Dark…

Yes, it’s the holiday season and all thoughts are on celebrating and happy times.  However, sometimes heightened emotions with all those expectations of recreating a Norman Rockwell moment can create a lot of pressure and ultimately backfire.  Especially if there’s been a little dipping into the giant punchbowl of “Holiday Cheer.”

So while everybody’s hyper-focused on trimming the tree, wrapping presents and forcing everybody to wear matching outfits for their yearly festive family photo that gets uploaded onto their Facebook page, please allow me to throw a little reality into the mix.

I thought it important to actually run down a list of  dysfunctional parenting techniques and their consequences.  Perhaps some of them may sound familiar because you grew up in this situation.  If so, then you may already have some insight and be making adjustments so you don’t repeat the cycle.  The also may strike a chord because you realize your child is already displaying certain behaviors listed below; in that case, you can look deep into yourself or any other authority figure in their lives to identify the source and then make adjustments accordingly.

We’re all human and flawed.  This list is not to name, blame, and shame.  It is to serve as a resource toward kinder, more loving choices.  Please take it in that spirit.

Also, I feel the need to make a disclaimer: I am NOT a licensed therapist.  My knowledge comes from years of teaching, extensive personal research from a variety of reliable sources, and my own life.  They are in my own words, from my own perspective.  I also cannot possibly list where I got my information, as it is common knowledge within the psychiatric community.  For more information, I suggest you consult the DSM5.org website.  Also realize that there are no physical tests for any psychological/psychiatric disorders- the only criteria is that enough boxes are checked in a list of symptoms.  This ambiguity causes much controversy, as one therapist may diagnose a patient with one disorder and another therapist may assess in a very different way.  Additionally, some people will want to label typical “normal” behavior as a disorder, while others may normalize, or downplay, toxic behaviors.  There is also a lot of “bleeding” from one disorder to another due to the similarity of conditions, either causes or effects.  Comorbidity, or multiple disorders, may also occur.  Furthermore, the DSM is constantly changing, expanding, or collapsing their conditions (presumably for insurance coding purposes or in response to political lobbying or legislative changes).  Finally, it is important to realize that there are some emotional/mental disorders that are physical (chemical) in nature not caused by any learned patterns and may require more extensive treatment.

Additionally, some patients seek out medication, while others only seek behavior modification or both.  This post is not meant to be a diagnostic tool.  Rather, it is meant to create awareness and mindfulness regarding healthy relationship decisions in the future to foster an affectionate environment, enabling children to thrive.

The following list is a general list of maladaptations that may be the result of dysfunctional parenting, in alphabetical order.  Check back from time to time, as I will update as I think of more and expand my descriptions.

Addictions (Compulsions)

Anxiety

*Attachment Disorder

*Borderline Personality (BPD) and its variations

Codependency

*Dependent Personality Disorder

Depression

****Dissociative Personality Disorder, fka, Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)

Eating Disorders (Anorexia/Bulimia)

*Histrionic Personality

Love Avoidance

*Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

***Not Otherwise Specified (NOD)

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

**Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

*Reactive Personality Disorder

You may want to revisit this post from time to time as a gentle barometer to see if the behaviors of either you or people around you seem to be aligned with any of the above patterns.  If so (or even the need to re-read this list), you may want to seek out some professional support.

So when you find yourself getting caught up with the pressures of life — be it something like the holidays or just daily routine business — keep the 153Promise to yourself and your loved ones to be mindful and aware of the fact that everything you do has a ripple effect of reactions, and act only from a position of L.O.V.E.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gift Suggestions…

On By JenniferOzgurIn HealthLeave a comment

I decided to create a special page on my blog for books and other resources that I highly recommend.  I’ll create a post on my front page whenever I add more entries.

Enjoy!

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Relationships, Uncategorized1 Comment

It’s only twelve days until Christmas, and people everywhere are rushing around to buy gifts for each other.

I’ve been to one party where the “rule” was for everyone to buy each other a $20.00 gift card.

I know some families who start groups on FB just to list what they want for gifts.

One of my colleagues said her mother texted a due date for gift requests before her shopping day and she got a another text warning her that if she missed the deadline, she’d only get socks and underwear.

I have to say, I never quite got the concept of buying gifts when they seem to be a mandatory exchange.  If I have to buy for you and you have to buy for me, why don’t we just agree to skip the whole business and just stay at home with a good movie instead of getting mauled at the mall?

After all, why do we give gifts, anyway?  Isn’t it as a token of affection?  Isn’t it as a symbolic gesture during Christmas to replicate the giving of the gifts from the Magi?

Don’t get me wrong- I love the season with the yummy foods, beautiful lights, and cozy smells.  But I am suggesting that we re-examine the spirit in which gifts are supposed to be given and if you still feel the pressure to get something for those near and dear to you (if you haven’t already), consider a gift that goes far beyond some pretty wrap, bow, or bag.

Or even if you have purchased the requisite present, imagine if came along with the  153Promise of giving them daily affection with the goal of supporting a functional, loving relationship.

Some possible ways to do this are:

-Buy some books on parenting, relationships or self-help books about issues you are currently working on and sharing that purchase with your loved one

-Take your family shopping together for games (that you play at a table- NOT a computer) you can play as a family

-Have a family meeting to decide on a few day trips like the zoo, a museum, or some other experiential activity

There are many other possibilities… one great way is to ask them what they’d like to do, rather than what they want.

So as you watch everybody else run around for last minute shopping for things that most likely will end up in the back of the closet in a few weeks, why not make the decision to put a stop to that materialistic pressure and put your energy into truly making the spirit bright… by showing your affection through deeds and time and making an effort on a daily basis to show them just how much you love them.

That’s a gift everyone will be able to enjoy all year long.

Don’t Repeat Your Past

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, ValidationLeave a comment

If you’ve watched enough news commentary on any media channel, you’ve most likely heard the some variation of the adage, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

This sentiment is especially true about relationships.  There may or may not be a genetic component to dysfunction, but it certainly is hereditary.

If your goal is to have a emotionally healthy relationship with anybody, you have to do a lot of work on yourself.  I say this because I firmly believe that it’s impossible to have a healthy dynamic with anybody until you have a healthy relationship with yourself.  It all comes down to self esteem.

If you don’t have the ability to love yourself, you cannot truly love someone else.  We first get our ability to love ourselves from our family of origin.  We develop our sense of Self from our initial care givers.  We learn what type of World it is “out there” by the people who first create the environment we explored as babies and toddlers.

It’s a deep concept, but if you are still operating as an adult based upon your first three years, then you are letting your inner child still cry for validation, and that is NOT a good way to deal with anybody.

Child development experts say that 80% of our psyche is created in the first three years of our lives and we spend the REST of our lives developing the remaining 20%.  Sometimes, we have to go back to our past to retrain that 80% to instill in us the confidence, security and sense that we are valued as a person.  We have to heal that inner child so we are no longer operating from a repressed toddler temper tantrum.

How to do that?  There’s tons of books out there to help you, but what worked for me is to list all the stuff that I didn’t like about my present life and work it backward.  How did I get there?  How is what’s going on today ultimately linked to my past?  And how is that linked to my parents?  I also learned about THEIR pasts and understood what motivated THER behaviors as well.  Think of it as a Freudian Family Tree…  only the descendants are maladjustments to one’s surroundings.

I’ll give you just one small example of the insights I got from doing my work: decisions.  I’m very bad at making them.  Mainly because my father was hyper critical when I was growing up and I learned that whatever I DID do was probably wrong.  Therefore, any choices I was faced with as an adult was met with a lot of anxiety on my part because I did not want to repeat that feeling I had as a child of doing something wrong, thereby confirming that my father (and later on, peers) were actually right: that I was a deeply flawed human being.  Therefore, any time I was faced with making any type of choice, I’d have a meltdown.  I remember crying in the mall because I needed shoes but couldn’t decide between the black or brown ones.  I left in tears with nothing.

Or I’d get myself so worked up when someone would ask me, “What do you want to do for dinner tonight” and I’d just say, “Nothing,” just to avoid making a decision- I couldn’t possibly articulate my needs because I didn’t even know what they were.  So then the well-adjusted person would actually believe me… and do nothing!  I’d then feel invalidated and spin things around on THEM and make them out to be the enemy… only because they put me in the position that reminded me of being a kid, and I had cast them in the role of my father.  I’d be triggered as an abuse survivor and I’d be lashing out at a friend and they were like, “What the heck?  I was just trying to be nice to her!”

Pretty messed up, huh?  Now imagine if I had pulled that illogical nonsense with my child…  But people do that all the time.  And so the cycle continues.

So it’s ESSENTIAL to really examine your behavior, identify patterns and figure out the causes so you do not operate from a position of dysfunction and inability to regulate your emotions; otherwise you will take all your baggage and pack it even tighter for your loved ones and they will be stuck carrying that heavy load and somehow believe that they asked for it and deserved it.

Imagine a happy childhood, how yours was not, and make the changes you need to make so you can give to your child what you did not get from your own caregivers when you were a kid.

Sometimes, your 153Promise can be in the form of loving your own inner child so you can do the same with the next generation.