Author: JenniferOzgur

Mother, wife, teacher, writer and founder of 153Promise- a mission dedicated to educating parents in making smart, proactive choices that promote positive mental health. Want to contact me? Email me at JenniferOzgurAuthor@gmail.com

Cell Phone Angst… and Challenge

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, Relationships, School, Uncategorized6 Comments

How old are your children?  When did they get — or do you plan to get them — cell phones?  Why?  Smartphone, Woman, Girl, Iphone, Apple Inc, Touch

I ask because I fail to see cell phones improving the quality of life in tweens and teens.  Rather, I only see anxiety and a giant paradox regarding cell phone communication: the more kids use their phones, the less connected they feel to the people with whom they are supposed to be communicating.

I’m going to put my Teacher Hat on for this post and speak from the perspective of the educator.  Here is what I am seeing during the school day:

  1. Texting each other the first and last few minutes of class.  About what, I can only guess, as I cannot legally go into their devices… (But YOU can… if you dare.)
  2. Taking “selfies” and/or “Snapchatting/Vining,” then obsessively checking to see how many “likes” they are getting.
  3. Increased requests to leave the class to “go to the bathroom” or “get a drink.”  Presumably to use their phones so they don’t get in trouble during class.  I can’t tell them no, but they are losing instruction time, as their trips are longer than necessary to sneak in a few more texts.
  4. More requests to text parents because they “forgot” something.  This irony is that the more they rely on texting parents, the less they need to communicate with their families BEFORE  and AFTER the school day is in session.
  5. Notifying me that they need to go to the office to pick up something… presumably because they just got a text saying their item from #4 was just dropped off.

(On my own time, I even saw a post on a Moms’ FB group asking what other mothers would do if they saw test answers on their kid’s phone!)

You may ask why I don’t just have a policy… I. DO.  So does the district.  But if/when I go to enforce it, I have been subject to major tantrums.  And this is not just from the students.  I have been accused of “stealing” property when I confiscate the cell phone, enforcing the policy, and then returning the phone at the end of the day.  I have been called a “train wreck” and was told that I “need mental help.”  There have been threats on my job and my life.  I have been the victim of theft to retaliate against me.  All because I have asked that phones are out of my classroom.  I have a thick skin, and administration supports me, so I just handle it like the strong human I am.  But what concerns me more are how the STUDENTS are actually suffering.

Some students are so dependent upon their phones that asking them to part with them for the 40 minutes I have them for class is almost impossible for them.  So I implore all parents…  Please do not contribute to the angst.  I am only asking for two things:

  1. Tell your kids that you do not want them using them during classes and if you get a report from their teacher that they were seen out, you will suspend them from their phone for a day… then week… then moth… then cancelled.
  2. Tell them that you will no longer be available to them DURING the school day. (Or if that’s not doable, at least only during their or your lunch for a one-time contact point to send or receive a communication.)  That means you’ll have to do a better job of planning rides, and they will not be able to have you run them forgotten items.
Portrait, Face, Pale, Expressive, Eyes, Nose, MouthBlame the teachers.  Blame your boss/job.  Or even tell them you are making the 153Promise to them that you want them to spend the school day concentrating on… school and not on social drama.  Explain to them that the more you rely on the cell phones, the more anxiety it actually causes because it’s no longer a communication device- it’s an enabling device that’s preventing them from developing good habits of planning, self-reliance, and security/trust among family members.
So I’m throwing out another challenge: enact the two rules above.  Just like the Bus Challenge, I am going to suggest that the more either you or your child balks at the “Phone Challenge,” the more you may need to add it to your lives.  I’d love to know who does it and how it goes!
Kisses!  XxXx

The Golden Rule of Parenting… Bring an Umbrella!

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, RelationshipsLeave a comment

I got my first dissenting comment on Saturday!  Someone disagreed with my perspective that the more a kids protests about something, the more we may need to have them do it… specifically with regards to my “Bus Challenge” post.

Umbrella, Rain, Colors, Woman

The opposing viewpoint was that we should parent from the perspective of the child… Would *I* want to stand in the rain and wait for a bus full of screaming kids to come?  Who wouldn’t prefer a cozy, personal ride to school???  I totally understand that perspective.  However, I do not think that empathizing with our children should be the basis for our parenting.

The Golden Rule, Treat others how we would want to be treated may work for equals, but I think it’s a mistake to make our parenting decisions using this mentality.  Yes, we do want to keep in mind our children’s feelings when choosing our words or even some of our actions, but just because a child does or doesn’t want to do something doesn’t mean that we should cater to those wishes.  That, to me, is a recipe for raising an entitled little person… which will then become an entitled big person, aka, Jerk.

I propose that sometimes, your 153Promise can be saying “NO” to your child or pushing him or her to confront difficult situations, knowing you’ll be there to support them… instead of preventing those learning opportunities altogether.

Rather, I think the Golden Rule of Parenting should be, Parent the Child Today for the Generation of Tomorrow.  After all, they will be the ones to run the country when we are in rocking chairs.  Do we want a bunch of coddled, spoiled, unbending adults who never learned how to negotiate tough times, improvise another alternative, or work hard to get something for delayed gratification?

My position is: Sometimes, saying NO for NO’s sake is good.

Check out what pediatrician Dr. Leonard Sax has to say regarding the topic.

I welcome differences of opinion and I thank the writer of the Saturday, January 9th comment.  It challenges and inspires me to continue to refine my 153Promise mission.

Rather than trying to prevent rain from falling, make the 153Promise to either dry them off when they get wet… or teach them to bring an umbrella.

Kisses!  XxXx

 

Hop on the Bus Challenge

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized6 Comments

Diversity, Happy, People, Young, SmileDo you let your children ride the bus???

I’m going to sound like the ‘uphill both ways’ generation, but when I was my children and students’ ages, I DID take the bus.  Sometimes, I had to lug a giant bass clarinet or bassoon case for a good ten minute walk to the bus stop.  It built character. 

The ONLY time I got a ride to school was for a broken leg in 7th grade because navigating the crutches on those giant steps was just too much for me.

I remember being in junior high and having to take the shuttle bus to the high school in order to get a ride home on the activities bus.  Let me tell you, being a 12 year old riding with a senior football player was scary!  But it built character.

Back then, it was a more hands-off approach to parenting.  You trusted the school to do your job when you gave them your kids.  Part of that meant riding the bus to school.

When did that stop happening?

There are cameras on the bus now.  Kids have cell phones that can record things, if stuff hits the fan… so why is that busses — that are paid with local tax dollars — are half empty, and the drop off line gets longer and longer?

If it’s to protect/shelter your children from certain stuff, I can understand that mentality, but I am going to suggest that it’s slightly misguided.  Things that happen on the bus to NOT magically disappear in the school.  Plus, it’s under surveillance, so it’s actually a pretty safe environment.

And IF something goes down on the bus, it’s an opportunity to talk about it with your child.  Therefore, to NOT let them ride the bus is actually PREVENTING them with real-life learning experiences.

My daughter rides the bus every day she is at our house. (She lives at her dad’s half the time.)  Sometimes we talk about the kids who ride with her and how to deal with it.  If I didn’t allow her that experience, I’d be robbing her of that opportunity to learn those skills.

After all, it’s NOT going to get any easier out in the “Real World;” why not practice now?

Just a few months ago, we were watching a movie together.  It was a more “adult,” though appropriate, film.  A few “ripe” words were tossed into the air.  I looked over at her and apologized and asked her if she’d like to stop the movie.

“It’s nothing I haven’t already heard on the bus,” she said, wiser than her then 9 old self.

So we talked about words and language and how it is a reflection of your character… How the people in the movie were depicted and the associations with those words are also associated with the people using them.  It was a good chat.  That never would have happened if I was a “drop-off parent.”

In conclusion, I am going to throw out a “Bus Challenge” to you: if you do not currently allow your kids to take the bus, give them the heads up TONIGHT that next week, they are going to take the bus!  Make the 153Promise to love your child by giving them the opportunity to face a situation, talk about it with you, learn a lesson, and develop as a person.  Chances are, the more they protest, the more they need to do it…

It builds character.

 

Tasting the Love

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, UncategorizedLeave a comment
Fruit, Plate, Dish, Appetizer, Healthy

The saying goes, You are what you eat.  Good nutrition is no longer a mystery.  We know what’s healthy and not… we just need the discipline to follow the guidelines.

So, it stands to reason that what your kids eat is reflective of you.  Is your love for them healthy?  Is it wholesome?  Think about what you are providing for them in the mornings and throughout the day.  Would you want your love for them to be judged by what they eat?  Are YOU what THEY eat???

Let’s take two different scenarios:

Student A- is seen eating a lunch at the cafeteria that consists of a peanut butter and banana sandwich for carbs, protein and fat, some fresh veggies for crunch and a homemade brownie for some sweetness at the end.  All washed down with a water bottle.  Breakfast was either some oatmeal and fruit, some yogurt and granola, or a bean and cheese tortilla eaten in home room.

Student B- has an energy drink in homeroom and is seen putting a second one in his backpack… for his lunch.

I’ve seen both of these scenarios.  I’ll leave you to make the inferences.

Which parent do you want to be?  Which associations do you want to be held responsible for?

By and large, most students do not do the shopping for the household…

Make the 153Promise next time you are at the grocery store by selecting items that make for healthy lunches and breakfasts.  That way, if you get in a rush and have to rely on a go-to faster, more convenient and less healthy alternative for dinner once and a while (I totally get that!), it’s not such a tragedy.  Two out three sure is better than a goose egg.

Next time you have a free moment with your children, sit them down and ask them what types of food they want for their breakfasts and lunch.  Explain that you are going to do an overhaul with their meal routines and you want them to have a say.  Make a date to go shopping together with that list (to avoid impulse purchases) and stick to it.

Getting a good night’s sleep the night before and putting in healthy fuel all day can be a great way to get their daily 153.  I’m willing to bet that after a few weeks of this adjustment, you’ll also be feeling their love from their better performance and attitudes.

BE what they eat.  Have them taste your love!

Kisses!  XxXx

 

Smooth Operator…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Saxophone, Child, Classical Music, SepiaWhen I think of this song by Sade, I hear her dulcet tones and sultry groove.  But I also think it’s a great backdrop to inspire having a calm start to your children’s day.

Leaving for school can be stressful, and this sets the tone for the rest of the day.  But a few strategies can make the morning more like a mellow jazz pop tune… and less death metal:

  1. Have your child pack his/her school bag the night before and place it in the same spot every evening.  That way, there’s no forgetting any homework for class.
  2. Do the same with sports equipment and all ride arrangements.  That way, there’s no, “Can I text my mom/dad/sibling about…” requests when teaching is supposed to be taking place.
  3. Plan lunches the night before.  It can actually be a nice ritual if there’s a fun bento-style lunch box and ready-made, healthy go-to items like baby carrots and apples; protein spreads like hummus, nut butters; string or cottage cheese; whole wheat pitas or tortillas…  What better way to make sure they’re getting good nutrition than to buy these at the store?
  4. If they get ready and off to school by themselves, have a designated spot for all signed forms, tests, etc…  That way, if your family are more like ships passing in the night, it makes communication easier.
  5. Have them choose their laundry the night before.  Then, if laundry is an issue, they can help you put in a load of wash when they get home and dry it in the evening… never a last-minute scavenger hunt to find something 5 minutes before leaving… or being late.
If your child is from a two household situation, it’s even MORE important to have this system in place, since all variables that can potentially add more stress doubles.
Make the 153Promise to keep your kids stress-free by putting a few of the above strategies into play.
Kisses!  XxXx

Good Night and Good Rest

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Bedroom, Bed, Alarm Clock, Night TableOne of the best ways to insure that your children have a good day is to make sure they have a good night… of sleep.

It may sound obvious, and there are tons of sleep studies that link a good night’s rest to improved performance, but do you know how many hours of quality sleep your child is getting?

SleepTimeRecommendations012615[1]-page-001_0

 

The National Sleep Foundation suggests that the average teenager get 8-10 hours of sleep a night; younger students 9-11.

That’s a lot more doable for an elementary school student with the later opening.  But if your high schooler’s homeroom is at 7:30 am, presuming they get up at 6, that means that they really ought to be in bed — and asleep — by nine pm… ten at the latest.

With today’s tight schedules, that may sound impossible.  But rather than falling into an “all or nothing” mentality, try for “as much as possible.”

That means if a Sunday through Thursday ten hours a night is not going to happen due to outside activities, your family may need to re-examine priorities so if something has to give, it’s not going to be sleep.

Here are a few suggestions I’ve come up with to give your children the best chance at waking up well-rested and ready to perform at their personal best:

  1. Limit extracurricular activities as much as possible as not to cut into sleep time.
  2. Have a set evening ritual- same time; same “power down” routine.
  3. Tighten up the morning routine so they can sleep in as late as possible.  (This is going to be a future post.)
  4. Support them in time management and study skills so they are not up late at night cramming for that test or slapping together that paper or project at the last minute.
  5. When they go to bed, take their cell phones and laptops… BOTH the devices AND the users need to be fully charged for the next day!
  6. No caffeinated products after three.
  7. No naps.  They only enable staying up later.  If they *must* take a refresher break, they should take a “Power Nap”, then get a glass of water, and do a little light aerobic activity for ten minutes like taking a walk around the block.  It will give them a boost of energy without delaying bedtime.
  8. Power down and reduce screen time an hour before bedtime if possible.  The blue light from screens is known to affect sleep patterns.
  9. If possible, keep the bed room for sleeping and have other conducive areas for work-related activities.  That way, the association of slumber will come with those four walls.
  10. Establish and keep a peaceful atmosphere in the evening.

I realize that all of these suggestions are the ideal in a perfect world, but if you make the 153Promise to aspire to achieve as many as possible, your children will reap the benefits all day from a good night’s sleep the night before.

Kisses! XxXx

First Monday of 2016!

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

My school district is back to the classroom today.

Now that I’m officially into the swing of things for the new year of 2016, I’m going to begin my 153Promise list of the different ways to give your 153 Kisses-a-Day in the form of some positive parenting choices to foster good emotional and mental health.

Race, Children, Competition, SpeedIf your kids went back to school today, what was the scene?  Was it calm and relaxed, or was there a bunch of yelling, scrambling and stress?  What did they eat for breakfast?  DID they eat breakfast?  What’s on the schedule for after school?  When did they go to bed last night, and what time to they plan to go to bed tonight?  What’s for dinner?  Is there a plan to all sit down together, or is it catch as catch can?

As you go through (or went through, depending upon when you read this), your day today, think about the above questions and be mindful of all the decisions you make as a family that contributes to the overall atmosphere of your home life.

Make the 153 Promise every day to contribute to a peaceful household.

The first step to making these positive choices is to recognize when you are doing things that are NOT getting you the desired reactions you desire.

Make today’s 153 Promise to evaluate the climate of your family.

Tomorrow, I will begin to make posts about what you can do on a daily basis to bring some calm to the daily routines so your family can begin to enjoy more peaceful family moments.

Kisses! XxXx

New Year; New Tradition?

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I woke up with this idea for my New Year’s Day post…

My grandparents are 89 and 97.  After than many years on Earth, you amass a lot of great stories.  One of my favorites is what I like to call “The Bean Bowl.”

archaeology.JPGMy grandparents are pretty amazing people.  Grandpop was an organic research chemist and Grammy met him when she was a lab assistant.  They both got into archeology and amassed quite a collection.  As a result, their basement was practically a museum.  Seriously.  When they went into a nursing home a few years ago, they donated about 80% of their collection to the Pennsylvania state museum in Harrisburg.

Among the arrowheads, pottery and other artifacts was this one glass fishbowl.  It contained about two inches’ worth of pink spotted beans in the bottom.  When I was a kid, I asked him what it was all about.  “I’ll tell you when you are older,” he said.

Once I had made him a great-grandfather, I asked him again about the bowl of beans.  I guess he figured I could handle the story he was about to tell:

When I married your grandmother, a bunch of my scientist buddies at the lab had a bachelor party for me.  Towards the end of the night, they gave me a present.  When I opened it up, it was this fish bowl and a bag of dried beans.

They explained to me that I should put it on my night stand and after your grandmother and I got married, I was to put a bean in the bowl every time we had marital ‘relations’ until the end of our honeymoon phase (two years).

For the rest of our marriage, I was to then take a bean OUT of the bowl for the same reason.

My colleagues warned me that for the rest of my life, I would never be able to empty the bowl… And that’s how they prepared me for matrimony!

We both laughed.

I then went to my grandmother and asked her if she knew the significance of the Bean Bowl.  She shook her head.  I asked my grandpop if I could tell her and he said okay.  I retold the story (mainly to make sure I got it right) and at the punch line, she just laughed and pinched him on the arm.

It’s one of the more special memories I have with them.  Partly because it was just the three of us, partly because it’s such a clever gift and partly because it was a rite of passage that I could be in that circle.

Why am I telling “The Bean Bowl” story on New Year’s Day?  Because as off-color as the anecdote may be, it’s really about keeping tabs on a situation- a physical representation of the status of things.

Kidney Beans, Beans, Dry, Legumes, Pulses, Bowl

 

So I’m thinking of stealing the Bean Bowl and adapting it to our family.  We can put a bean into the bowl for every good thing our children do- chores; being sweet to each other; helping others.  And we’d take a bean out for the infractions- forgetting to do homework; stretching the truth; a messy room…

I’m inviting you to make the Bean Bowl a part of your 153Promise in your household.  It can serve as a light-hearted reminder to make good choices as a family.  You might even put a line on the side as a goal and a reward is enjoyed by all once your family gets enough beans.

It’s certainly more versatile than a swear jar, and it’s a lot easier to keep track of than a fancy chart.  Plus, there’s the added benefit of it being one communal bowl.

And imagine the look on their faces when you explain to them the origin of “The Bean Bowl” when they are old enough.

Just remember that the originators are Benny and Doris.

-Kisses!  XxXx

Top Five; Bottom Five List of 2015

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

harold-933746_1920New Year’s Eve comes with tons of Top Ten Lists, ranging from the noteworthy to the nobody cares.  Some include:

  • Best Albums
  • Biggest News Story
  • Worst Dressed
  • Most Sensational Internet moment

I figure there must be some insight to making a list of the highlights of the year, so I thought it might do me some good in applying it to my own life.  But ten of anything seemed a bit of an overkill, if not pretentious.

Therefore, I am going to dived the ten into two palatable lists of five.

Feel free to do try this experiment with your own life.  Categories can include, but are not limited to:

  • Family
  • Romantic Relationships
  • Career
  • Travel
  • Personal Growth
  • Health
  • Finances
  • Goals
  • Accomplishments/Major Awards (A Christmas Story, anyone?

So without any further ado (or adieu, since it is farewell to 2015)…

Top Five

  • My daughter going to States for her first year in competitive gymnastics
  • My husband becoming a U.S. citizen
  • My son going to day care/preschool
  • My news that a publisher wants to turn my poem into a book
  • Getting a really awesome and supportive principal at my school

Bottom Five

  • Smashing my tailbone in a bowling alley and needing an ambulance
  • Getting sepsis
  • Getting Lyme Disease six weeks later
  • Discovering a growing sink hole right next to our property
  • Realizing that my grandparents’ health is failing

Did I learn anything?  I guess that I am really blessed and even though I did experience a few low patches, life keeps plugging along and I’m really enjoying the ride!

I encourage you to make your Top and Bottom Five list, too.  And as you do, you may want to make today’s 153Promise to put a positive spin on this past year with an optimistic outlook for the year to come.

Happy New Year.

Many Kisses!  -XxXx

Because The Walls Have Ears…

On By JenniferOzgurIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Most of the time, I have a basic idea of what I’m going to write a few posts ahead of time.  But today, I want to put my schedule aside to address something interesting that happened this morning with my son.

Couch, Pillows, Sofa, Furniture, Interior, Living RoomHe and I were in the car on our way to his preschool.  He randomly asked me if we were going to get a sofa today.  I wondered what spurred this question.  I looked around and saw lots of delivery trucks on the highway, so I figured there must have been a picture of a furniture company’s showroom on the side of one of them.  But why would my son think that we might buy a sofa?  Then it hit me: my husband and I were talking about it yesterday when our son was supposedly taking a nap.

It was not the most riveting conversation we’ve had- a liquidation warehouse was having their year-end sale and we were debating whether or not to purchase a sectional.  You could say we were arguing in the truest sense of the word… merely presenting varied points of view.  We were not angry, but we may have raised our voices as opinions and teasing mounted.  We were hardly angry and the whole exchange might have taken ten minutes.  But apparently, those ten minutes were significant enough in a 3.5 year old’s mind to pop into his head the next day.

All over a sofa. 

Can you imagine the impact if it were a more serious topic?

Indeed, the walls have ears.  You may think they are asleep, but voices carry.  You may be in the finished basement with several floors between you, but not if they are secretly standing at the top of the stairs.  Air vents carry more than the hot air from the heat pump.

So make it your 153Promise today to accept that any conversation you may be having with your partner, your children may very well hear it.

Would you want them to be burdened with the knowledge that you are struggling to make ends meet?  That your marriage is rocky?  That you’re running out of ideas of what to do regarding their behavior?  That their shortcomings drive you crazy?

I was that kid at the top of the stairs 30-some years ago.  It was the creepiest feeling to know that conversations about me were going on without me.  It was like sneaking into a movie theater to the sequel of a really bad horror flick.  And I was the supporting role without any lines.

Stair, Steps, Stairway, Interior

Please make the153Promise to choose your words wisely.  Because you never know how the words you utter will ultimately land.  Earshot is a lot farther reaching than you realize.