Category: Love

A Parenting Parable in Ink

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, ValidationLeave a comment

Here’s an anecdote…

A woman gets a tattoo with her name on it.  There’s a deep symbolic meaning as to why she got it.  (As all tattoos should be!)

Family, Mama, Daughter, Tattoo, Hold Hands, Hands

This woman then proceeds to become a mother three times.  Her body is pulled and stretched in many miraculous directions.  After the birth of her third child, she notices that the ink has also shifted, and her name is no longer legible.  She’s distraught.

While I totally can appreciate the dismay at the lost artwork (I have four tats of my own), I would like to lovingly suggest to remember that you have created works of art in your own right, far more precious than what happened in that parlor next to the stainless steel gauges.

Always the poet, I see another symbolism in the fact that it was her name that got distorted.  Yes, she knows what it was, but it’s changed.

Doesn’t that happen to you when you become a parent?  Yes, you still remember your old self, but once you have children, you are never again the same.  Like that misshapen tattoo, our essential self is indelible.  We retain our essence throughout our lives.  However, our parenting selves cause us to view — and be viewed by — the world in a new way.

So if “Ashley” morphs into “Maybe” or “Michael” is deciphered as “Nipple,” I’d look to the deep metaphor that like a tattoo, our children mark us forever.

Make the #153Promise to celebrate the way your children have changed your ink.

-Kisses! XxXx

 

Jesus is a Hugger and a Kite… My Son’s Lesson on Perspective

On By JenniferOzgurIn humor, Love, ValidationLeave a comment

I thought I’d make a post about why my 3.5 year old son’s been saying about Jesus for the past few months.

Jesus Christ, Cross, Jesus, Faith, Christ, Religion

Almost every night after I pick him up from preschool, we drive past a Catholic cemetery with a giant crucifix prominently light up at night.  Once my son started noticing the statue, he asked who that was.  When I told him, he responded from the back seat with his arms outstretched, proudly saying, “I’m Jesus, too!”

Then, just the other week, my son said, “Jesus is giving me a hug!”

Wow.  I was raised Catholic.  We went to church every Sunday.  I attended Youth Group.  I even was the Cantor for mass.  In all those years, never ONCE did I ever think Jesus, with his arms outstretched, was giving me a hug; it was always about Jesus’ persecution and sacrifice.

Aviator, Air, Wind KiteA few days ago, my son then added a new perspective on Jesus when he exclaimed, “Jesus looks like a kite.”  Okay… that’s getting waaaay out of the box, but I totally see how he came up with that…  I can only imagine what Jesus is going to do next in the eyes of my son.

Now, every time I see Jesus on the cross, I think of how much Jesus loved us and wants us to have a relationship with God.  (No matter what faith you are, Jesus’ teachings are clearly documented.)

And I now also associate Jesus with soaring freely, knowing that God’s love will support me in flight, but also keep me firmly grounded throughout my life.

Pretty deep lesson from a three year old.

I would have lost all of that if I did not Listen to what my son said, Observed what he saw, Validated his perspective and Empathized with his point of view so I could find the metaphors.

Make it your #153Promise today to approach your day-to-day activities with a fresh perspective… maybe from your own children’s.

Sometimes, you just need to look at the world through different lenses to see things more clearly.

-Kisses! XxXx

Cursing Cupid- Shoot an Arrow through Expectations

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, humor, Love, Parenting, Relationships, ValidationLeave a comment

Love, Valentine'S Day, Pose, HeartT minus four days and counting…  The “holiday” that gets men in a panic and parents in a bind.

The internet is bursting with last minute ideas for “romantic” gifts.  Dollar stores (thank God!) still have boxes of cards on their shelves.  And adults everywhere are cursing Cupid.

But I’m kwel as a Kit Kat.  Why?

Because I have no expectations.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.

I tend to think that the more someone “needs” someone else to make a big deal over these special days, the more likely it is that that person has been ignored all year.

I’m not into a bipolar, feast or famine type of situation.  I just want to feel appreciated on a daily basis.  No need for fancy cards, flowers, or dinner to get my motor running.  Know what turns me on?  Coming home after a busy day to an empty sink and some folded laundry.  Oh, yeah…  Bow chick-a wow wow.

I was a Twelve-Stepper for a spell when I was working on my codependency issues, and I learned a great saying:

Expectations are just premeditated resentments.

It pretty much blew my mind.  If I expect a certain person to act a certain way or do a certain thing, then I’m just setting myself up to be disappointed.  However, I think the word “Passive” needs to be added at the start of the sentence.

Passive expectations are just premeditated resentments.

If I expect somebody to do something, but I don’t actively express to them my desires, I don’t think it’s fair to hold them hostage when they fail to read my mind.

Heart, Love, Romance, Valentine

So if you want to go out for dinner, tell your spouse.  If you want your children to set the table, tell them.  Then, after a while, they’ll do it on their own without you asking because they see how darn happy it makes you.

The same applies with my children. I’d rather them experience true happiness on a daily basis, rather than getting all worked up into a lather a few times a year.  It says to me that they feel special every day.

Lorenz Hart (ironically) wrote “My Funny Valentine,” and his lyrics express this sentiment perfectly:

Your looks are laughable; unphotograph-able…

Yet you’re my favorite work of art….

Each day is Valentines’ Day.

Make it your #153Promise this Valentines’ Day to have low expectations and to actively express them.

Shoot an arrow right through the hype.

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

And “E” is for…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Relationships, School, Uncategorized3 Comments

Empathize!

At first, one may think it’s the same as Validate, but not so.

  • To Validate, one must ask, “How do they feel?”
  • To Empathize, one must ask, “How would I feel?”
  • To Validate, one must wonder, “What are their emotions?”
  • To Empathize, one must wonder, “Why are they having those emotions?”
  • To Validate, you let them know that you understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree.
  • To Empathize, you have to force yourself to know why they must be feeling that way.

Forest Path, Girl, Forest, Nature, PathI like to think of it this way… Do you know that famous saying adopted from the Native American culture, “Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes”?  Well, I am a very literal person, so that means that I STOLE their shoes!  (Also meaning it’s impossible to know 100% what ANOTHER person must feel.) Instead, I like to think of it as:

“Walk down the PATH they’ve walked; then see how YOU feel.”

The moment I start doing that with my students, I develop a much better relationship with them.  A kid doesn’t have their homework because they got home late from a swim meet and they were tired?  I get it….  I now have a ten year old and I am now walking the walk.  Sometimes, it just doesn’t get done.

It’s easier to do that to someone else’s kid because there’s the distance factor…  But it’s really easy so say to our own family members, “I AM walking that path.“

But are you???

Arapaho, Moccasins, Shoes, Bata, ShoeWhen was the last time you were smaller than everybody else?  When was the last time you had almost ZERO control over your circumstances?  When was the last time someone ELSE paid your rent/mortgage and held it against you?  Or chose what you had to eat?  Or wear?

Hmmmm…. kind of sounds like prison, right?

My point is not to start indulging our kids all the time; but maybe we should stop some times and try to feel their angst.  Their pain.  Their fear and frustration.  Maybe then, we’ll be less likely to judge their actions if we understand what motivates them.

THEN, we can Validate them and work to find some common ground.

Make the #153Promise to Walk their Path.

-Kisses!  XxXx

“V” is for Validate

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Uncategorized, Validation7 Comments

In order to begin to write this post, I “Googled” the word:ValidateIf Google gives an example using healthy families, I must be onto something.

Approval, Female, Gesture, Hand, Happy, Isolated

I started to use validation as key to getting along with my very opinionated three year old son, and it’s made him so much happier.  Me, too!  Here’s just one example: vending machines at the YMCA.  Kids like to slide quarters into those machines like my 91 year old aunt in Atlantic City.  Almost every time I take him to the gym, I’ll get a, “I want-” with his current obsession- pretzels, animal crackers, chocolate wafers…

Instead of me saying, “No,” which logically would set him up to reply, “But, I WANT it,” I say, “Wow!  They do look really tasty.  I can see why you like them.  I’d like some, too.  Right now, I don’t have any quarters.  But we do have them at home.  How about I give you a snack of pretzels after we leave here… in about five minutes.  Can you be a good boy and be patient to wait until then?”  He always agrees to be a good boy.  I make good on my promise.  He now trusts me to validate his feelings… and they have never escalated since validating him.

It’s really an amazing shift to observe.

It’s tied in very closely to the “L” of Love, “Listen.”

Kids — and people in general — just want to know that they are being heard and valued.  That’s it.  It’s why wives resent it when their husbands try to fix their problems, when all they wanted was a sympathetic ear.  It’s why tweens resort to whining.  It’s why customer service stinks half the time.  We just want to be validated that we have a right to our feelings.

Make the #153Promise to validate your children’s feelings.  Let them know that even if you’re not willing to buy that outfit at the mall, you understand why they want it.  And then work together to find an acceptable alternative to both sides, rather than just saying, “No… because I SAY so!”  The last thing you want to do is shut them down.  They’ll only resort to either being sneaky or going to someone else instead who “Gets” them.

Try it this weekend.  Make the #153Promise to validate each one of your children at least once when you catch yourself wanting to say “No” and watch what happens.

Then validate ME by coming back and posting a comment about how it went!

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

“O” is for Observe

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Parenting, politics, Relationships, SchoolLeave a comment

Quick Quiz:

What is the U.S. of A.’s national symbol?

Can you imagine if “B” were the symbol of the U.S. Military? There’s a reason one of the world’s Super Powers’ wants to be associated with keen eye sight.  It keeps us protected.

Observation is a powerful tool.

Eyes, See, Point Of View, Window, Sensation, CharmAs a teacher, I have to report students’ observable behavior to case managers and guidance counselors all the time.  It’s called “Progress Monitoring.”

Santa sees children when they are both sleeping and awake.

We, as a society, are under surveillance everywhere we go.  Kind of creepy, until you become a victim of a crime and law enforcement can pull up video to catch a suspect.

How observant are you regarding your own children?Ostrich, Eyes, Animals, Portrait, Observe, Green, Head

  • Can you tell when he or she is sick, tired, or had a bad day at school?
  • When was the last time you went through their backpack?
  • Their room or the things in it?
  • Their cell phone?
  • How about any prescription drugs in the house?

I’ll admit, there seems to be a fine line between observing and spying.  But your children are under your charge.  They are minors living under your roof and you do NOT need a warrant in order to seize and search the items you pay for.

I think there’s a right and a wrong way to do it, though.

I was under strict surveillance growing up.  I think it was too much.  I had no voice at home (more on that later) and everything I did was criticized.  I wasn’t a bad kid; my dad was paranoid.  As a result, ironically, it backfired and I did and hid things just to have some part of my life that wasn’t under their thumb.

My father’s observation was unwarranted (figuratively!) so it was a major source of stress in my life.  He also was sneaky about it and didn’t just keep a watchful parental eye over my life- he snooped.  So did my mother.  As a result, I felt very violated.  And I did the only thing I could think of: I rebelled… but I had to in a very passive aggressive way, or I’d get in BIG trouble.  That’s not the tactic to take when observing.

Rather, you set up the parameters and boundaries AHEAD of time.  You articulate consequences BEFORE infractions.  And you let them know that if you ever suspect something concerning, you will TELL them what you OBSERVED and then request to observe more data to either dispel or confirm your fears that they may be doing something that is putting them in harm’s way.  And, of course, you say it in a kind — rather than threatening — tone.

It’s called transparency.

If you children think that you can see right through them, your conscience will guide them when you are not physically around.

How are they behaving in school?  Who are their friends and what are they texting?  Are they are where they say they are?  Do they eat their lunch you pack?

Make it your #153Promise to be an eagle; not an ostrich.

-Kisses!  XxXx

*I did the research, and technically, their heads are in sand a lot to check on their eggs… which are buried in the sand.  So you still get a gold star for the day.  I was focusing on the popularly accepted metaphor.  (Just in case some ornithologist is reading my post!)

 

“L” is for Listen…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Relationships, School, Validation1 Comment

I made a post a while back on my acronym for LOVE.  It’s such an important concept that I thought each letter deserves its own day.

Mila Repa, Buddha, Bodhisattva, Esoteric, Right Hand“Listen” is the first word that spells out how to love (according to me).  If you don’t listen to someone, communication and trust breaks down, and it’s pretty difficult (if not impossible) for them to believe anything you say to them.

My daughter gave me the perfect example last night.

We were all eating dinner last night- my husband, our ten year old daughter, our three year old son, and me.  My daughter is from a two-household situation, so she’s with us Mondays, Tuesdays and every other weekend.  It stinks, but we manage.  Of the time she’s with us, Mondays and Fridays are gymnastics, and my husband works on Fridays and Saturdays.  Therefore, Tuesday nights are the only time we can have an extended dinner together.  Again, it stinks, but we make the most of the time, being thankful that we make that part of the week a priority.

Picture the table: I’m talkative and love to reflect on my day.  Our son is a ball of white lighting and can easily dominate.  My husband, when he speaks, usually says something of deep import.  And then there’s our daughter.

She’s does have her chatty moments, but in general, she’s a monosyllabic girl.  When I ask her how her day went, “Fine” is usually what I get.  Such was the case last night.  But a few minutes later, in between second helpings of rice and chili, and our son’s random musings, I managed to hear “I cried in school today… ”

She then proceeded to unravel a convoluted thread of fifth grade drama involving a group project, conflicting ideas, allegations of copying, and bruised egos.  It clearly was important to her.  I listened to her and gave her my full attention.  I asked her if she’s okay now (she said she was) and she said, “I guess it’s just been an emotional week for me, with…” and then she emoted even more.  About being from a divorce situation; her great grandmother dying this week; course selection for middle school… I offered to contact her teacher on her behalf and reassured her that we’re there for her.

Imagine if, when she first said about her crying, I hadn’t listened to her.  What if I had just said, “Okay, Honey” and went on with my business?  It would have destroyed her.  Or what if we never made time to talk as a family?

Silhouette, Father And Son, Sundown, Chat, Advice

Make the #153Promise to connect with your children on a daily basis to ask them about their day and really listen.  It doesn’t have to be at a sit-down dinner; you can set the stage for “ear time” by:

  • having a “no electronics” rule in the car and use the taxi time to debrief each other about important issues
  • still “tuck them in at night” so they can have some one-on-one time with you
  • making breakfast a “sharing time” as everyone is getting ready in the morning (if lunches and backpacks are already packed, clothes are picked out the night before, and healthy breakfasts are available, it frees up a lot of important time)

Listening is the first step to let your children know they are loved.

-Kisses!  XxXx

Hey, Bill Murray: Todoay’s My Favorite Holiday! The Underdogs of Groundhog Day

On By JenniferOzgurIn humor, Love, Parenting, School, Uncategorized, ValidationLeave a comment

Groundhog, Wildlife, Nature, Rodent, Fur, Ground, GrassYes- it’s Groundhog Day!

Maybe it’s because I grew up in Pennsylvania Dutch country, but February second was a BIG deal in my elementary school.  I remember cutting out brown and green circles and assembling a construction paper masterpiece whereby Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his sleepy little hole to announce if we have to deal with six more weeks of winter.  I even recorded a children’s album when I was a, well, child that explains it:

On February second, Mr. Groundhog will come out.

He’s been asleep all winter, now he wants to look about.

If he doesn’t see his shadow, he will stay outdoors, it’s clear.

‘Cause on February second, Mr. Groundhog will appear.

The mind’s an amazing thing.

There’s another reason I love Groundhog day: it’s the most underrated holiday… ever.  Think about it: this little furry guy gets to decide if we’re in for six more weeks of crap weather — sleet, freezing rain, howling winds and snow; not to mention huge heating bills — or balmy, flower laced gentle breezes.

It’s a holiday rooted deep in German culture, based on both Pagan beliefs and scientific calculation that we are half way through winter, staring with the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox.

But I love it simply because even though it’s a deeply symbolic day that’s been reduced to a radio DJ’s content for one morning out of 365 days, it still remains, undefeated.

Growing up, *I* was an underdog.  I was underestimated.  I was made a spectacle by my peers.  I was not given the respect I deserve.  But I’m still here, undefeated.

Cheerleaders, Football, College, NflSo I’m here to shout out loud and proud that I LOVE YOU, PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL!  YOU ARE MY HERO!

Make it your #153Promise today to stand up for the Groundhogs in your world.  Let those Invisibles know that you value them.  Give them the pride and dignity they deserve.  Help an old lady across the street.  Tie a little tyke’s shoelace.  Buy a homeless person a cup of cocoa.  Or stop what you’re doing for a moment when your child has been calling your name for the umpteenth time and listen to them.  Better yet, YOU take the initiative to coax them out of their hole and ask them how they’re doing and to tell them about their day… and listen to them.

Even if there are six more weeks of winter, your heroic efforts may just keep you heart warm and toasty until Spring.

Crocus, Flower, Spring, Bühen, Purple

Thanks, Grammy

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized, ValidationLeave a comment

Heart, Love, Discussion, Difference, RelationshipMy relationship with my mother is strained.  Suffice it to say we navigate life with very different operating systems that clash every time they interface.

My grandparents and I, (her parents), have never clashed.

“You don’t know them like I do,” she says.  A lot.

True- I don’t.  The dynamics of Grammy and Grandpop and me are different; they didn’t raise me.  They are people I visited every Sunday after church.  Then, once I got older, I would choose to see them independent of my parents.

I could write a whole book about this narrative, but the reason I even mention them is that at 89, it looks like my grandmother will not be around much longer.  Around October, doctors found something on a chest X-ray they didn’t like, but she refused diagnostic tests.  They told me that their best guess was that she had about six months to live.  She was put on hospice and this week, she started falling and she’s been bed-ridden and on morphine.

I took off a day from school on Thursday to essentially say goodbye and give my input on funeral arrangements.  (I said I’d like to put together a PowerPoint to loop during the viewing and I’ll compose a poem to be put in the funeral program.)

Because I have peace with Grammy, I’m able to deal with this dying ordeal pretty well, I think.  But my mother?  It’s taking everything in me to stay patient and kind as she manages to grapple with the reality that the woman she’s been complaining about all these years is leaving.

I’ve come to realize that validating someone’s opinion is essential to any relationship.  That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them; you only need to let them know that you understand their feelings.  Understand (v)- to perceive the intended meaning.  So when I understand that my mother thinks a certain way — and I allow her to have that opinion — then I have attempted to validate her feelings.  I try to be very clear that I while I understand how she feels about Grammy and Grandpop, that is not my truth… and I’d really appreciate if she’d allow me to have mine.

I’ve been suggesting to my mother that she make her own peace with her parents now so she can have peace once they are gone.  I know she’s done a lot for them out of duty, obligation and guilt so she can have a “free conscience” regarding their care.  That may be nice so she has no regrets regarding what SHE has done or failed to do.  However that doesn’t mean she has resolved the issues she has with what she thinks they have done to her.

I’ve told her that I just want her to be happy.  “Well, maybe I think I don’t deserve to be happy,” is her response.

Street Sign, Note, Direction, Point Of View, Sensation

There it is.  I can’t compete with that mentality.  So I take a step back and concern myself with my own happiness and fostering happiness in my own children.

Granted, you can’t “make” someone happy- but you can treat them in a way so they learn that you think they are deserving of happiness.  And you can model positive behaviors that foster self-care results in your own happiness.

Grandparent are synonymous with giving, and the most recent gift my grandmother gave me from her deathbed was the lesson in validation and gracefully understanding opinions that are different from my own.*

Bald Eagle, Soaring, Bird, Raptor, Flight, Nature, BaldIn the spirit of my grandmother living a full life, I’m going to pass along that lesson in this post, so it my live on after I get the word that Grammy is gone from this Earth.

Make it your 153Promise today to: model the ability to make yourself happy; validate others by showing them you understand their opinion, even if yours is different…  It avoids conflict and can sustain peace…  Make the 153Promise by telling people close to you that you want their happiness, too, and foster an atmosphere where they feel free to pursue their happiness.

 

 

*(The irony is that my father — her son-in-law — and my grandparents would clash all the time… What’s in common?  My mother… again- another book!)

 

 

Social Media is “S & M”

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized1 Comment
woman-929838_1920Twitter; Instagram; Snapchat; Facebook…  these are the new ways to forge relationships, “Like” it, or not.

I find people’s behaviors on social media very interesting.  It’s like of like being drunk: it’s an altered state.  People post things to their “Friends” and make comments they would NEVER do in “real” life.  It begs the question- do people’s real hidden sides come out on the internet, or is there something essentially nefarious about screen interactions?

I’ve seen people who are normally very decorous give raunchy memes the “thumbs up.”  Closeted bigots post anti-fill-in-the-blank comments.  People go on rants about other people and things get shared, amplified and eventually feelings get hurt and real-life friends or relatives get blocked or “un-friended.”

It’s no coincidence to me that social media has “S” and “M” as its initials.  There’s a certain sadistic pleasure some people get from updating a status that will irk others.  And I can’t tell you how many times I read or hear about people’s feelings getting hurt because they were excluded from whatever online group membership they belong… yet they continue to engage in the drama, as if they get some sort or masochistic rush.

In that sense, I don’t see adults being any more mature than their teenage counterparts.

Kids learn what they see.  What kinds of real messages about relationships are you sending by the ones you post online?

Make it the #153Promise to model Sensitivity and Moderation with your social media.