I got my first dissenting comment on Saturday! Someone disagreed with my perspective that the more a kids protests about something, the more we may need to have them do it… specifically with regards to my “Bus Challenge” post.
The opposing viewpoint was that we should parent from the perspective of the child… Would *I* want to stand in the rain and wait for a bus full of screaming kids to come? Who wouldn’t prefer a cozy, personal ride to school??? I totally understand that perspective. However, I do not think that empathizing with our children should be the basis for our parenting.
The Golden Rule, Treat others how we would want to be treated may work for equals, but I think it’s a mistake to make our parenting decisions using this mentality. Yes, we do want to keep in mind our children’s feelings when choosing our words or even some of our actions, but just because a child does or doesn’t want to do something doesn’t mean that we should cater to those wishes. That, to me, is a recipe for raising an entitled little person… which will then become an entitled big person, aka, Jerk.
I propose that sometimes, your 153Promise can be saying “NO” to your child or pushing him or her to confront difficult situations, knowing you’ll be there to support them… instead of preventing those learning opportunities altogether.
Rather, I think the Golden Rule of Parenting should be, Parent the Child Today for the Generation of Tomorrow.After all, they will be the ones to run the country when we are in rocking chairs. Do we want a bunch of coddled, spoiled, unbending adults who never learned how to negotiate tough times, improvise another alternative, or work hard to get something for delayed gratification?
My position is: Sometimes, saying NO for NO’s sake is good.
I welcome differences of opinion and I thank the writer of the Saturday, January 9th comment. It challenges and inspires me to continue to refine my 153Promise mission.
Rather than trying to prevent rain from falling, make the 153Promise to either dry them off when they get wet… or teach them to bring an umbrella.
I’m going to sound like the ‘uphill both ways’ generation, but when I was my children and students’ ages, I DID take the bus. Sometimes, I had to lug a giant bass clarinet or bassoon case for a good ten minute walk to the bus stop. It built character.
The ONLY time I got a ride to school was for a broken leg in 7th grade because navigating the crutches on those giant steps was just too much for me.
I remember being in junior high and having to take the shuttle bus to the high school in order to get a ride home on the activities bus. Let me tell you, being a 12 year old riding with a senior football player was scary! But it built character.
Back then, it was a more hands-off approach to parenting. You trusted the school to do your job when you gave them your kids. Part of that meant riding the bus to school.
When did that stop happening?
There are cameras on the bus now. Kids have cell phones that can record things, if stuff hits the fan… so why is that busses — that are paid with local tax dollars — are half empty, and the drop off line gets longer and longer?
If it’s to protect/shelter your children from certain stuff, I can understand that mentality, but I am going to suggest that it’s slightly misguided. Things that happen on the bus to NOT magically disappear in the school. Plus, it’s under surveillance, so it’s actually a pretty safe environment.
And IF something goes down on the bus, it’s an opportunity to talk about it with your child. Therefore, to NOT let them ride the bus is actually PREVENTING them with real-life learning experiences.
My daughter rides the bus every day she is at our house. (She lives at her dad’s half the time.) Sometimes we talk about the kids who ride with her and how to deal with it. If I didn’t allow her that experience, I’d be robbing her of that opportunity to learn those skills.
After all, it’s NOT going to get any easier out in the “Real World;” why not practice now?
Just a few months ago, we were watching a movie together. It was a more “adult,” though appropriate, film. A few “ripe” words were tossed into the air. I looked over at her and apologized and asked her if she’d like to stop the movie.
“It’s nothing I haven’t already heard on the bus,” she said, wiser than her then 9 old self.
So we talked about words and language and how it is a reflection of your character… How the people in the movie were depicted and the associations with those words are also associated with the people using them. It was a good chat. That never would have happened if I was a “drop-off parent.”
In conclusion, I am going to throw out a “Bus Challenge” to you: if you do not currently allow your kids to take the bus, give them the heads up TONIGHT that next week, they are going to take the bus! Make the 153Promise to love your child by giving them the opportunity to face a situation, talk about it with you, learn a lesson, and develop as a person. Chances are, the more they protest, the more they need to do it…
The saying goes, You are what you eat. Good nutrition is no longer a mystery. We know what’s healthy and not… we just need the discipline to follow the guidelines.
So, it stands to reason that what your kids eat is reflective of you. Is your love for them healthy? Is it wholesome? Think about what you are providing for them in the mornings and throughout the day. Would you want your love for them to be judged by what they eat? Are YOU what THEY eat???
Let’s take two different scenarios:
Student A- is seen eating a lunch at the cafeteria that consists of a peanut butter and banana sandwich for carbs, protein and fat, some fresh veggies for crunch and a homemade brownie for some sweetness at the end. All washed down with a water bottle. Breakfast was either some oatmeal and fruit, some yogurt and granola, or a bean and cheese tortilla eaten in home room.
Student B- has an energy drink in homeroom and is seen putting a second one in his backpack… for his lunch.
I’ve seen both of these scenarios. I’ll leave you to make the inferences.
Which parent do you want to be? Which associations do you want to be held responsible for?
By and large, most students do not do the shopping for the household…
Make the 153Promise next time you are at the grocery store by selecting items that make for healthy lunches and breakfasts. That way, if you get in a rush and have to rely on a go-to faster, more convenient and less healthy alternative for dinner once and a while (I totally get that!), it’s not such a tragedy. Two out three sure is better than a goose egg.
Next time you have a free moment with your children, sit them down and ask them what types of food they want for their breakfasts and lunch. Explain that you are going to do an overhaul with their meal routines and you want them to have a say. Make a date to go shopping together with that list (to avoid impulse purchases) and stick to it.
Getting a good night’s sleep the night before and putting in healthy fuel all day can be a great way to get their daily 153. I’m willing to bet that after a few weeks of this adjustment, you’ll also be feeling their love from their better performance and attitudes.
I woke up with this idea for my New Year’s Day post…
My grandparents are 89 and 97. After than many years on Earth, you amass a lot of great stories. One of my favorites is what I like to call “The Bean Bowl.”
My grandparents are pretty amazing people. Grandpop was an organic research chemist and Grammy met him when she was a lab assistant. They both got into archeology and amassed quite a collection. As a result, their basement was practically a museum. Seriously. When they went into a nursing home a few years ago, they donated about 80% of their collection to the Pennsylvania state museum in Harrisburg.
Among the arrowheads, pottery and other artifacts was this one glass fishbowl. It contained about two inches’ worth of pink spotted beans in the bottom. When I was a kid, I asked him what it was all about. “I’ll tell you when you are older,” he said.
Once I had made him a great-grandfather, I asked him again about the bowl of beans. I guess he figured I could handle the story he was about to tell:
When I married your grandmother, a bunch of my scientist buddies at the lab had a bachelor party for me. Towards the end of the night, they gave me a present. When I opened it up, it was this fish bowl and a bag of dried beans.
They explained to me that I should put it on my night stand and after your grandmother and I got married, I was to put a bean in the bowl every time we had marital ‘relations’ until the end of our honeymoon phase (two years).
For the rest of our marriage, I was to then take a bean OUT of the bowl for the same reason.
My colleagues warned me that for the rest of my life, I would never be able to empty the bowl… And that’s how they prepared me for matrimony!
We both laughed.
I then went to my grandmother and asked her if she knew the significance of the Bean Bowl. She shook her head. I asked my grandpop if I could tell her and he said okay. I retold the story (mainly to make sure I got it right) and at the punch line, she just laughed and pinched him on the arm.
It’s one of the more special memories I have with them. Partly because it was just the three of us, partly because it’s such a clever gift and partly because it was a rite of passage that I could be in that circle.
Why am I telling “The Bean Bowl” story on New Year’s Day? Because as off-color as the anecdote may be, it’s really about keeping tabs on a situation- a physical representation of the status of things.
So I’m thinking of stealing the Bean Bowl and adapting it to our family. We can put a bean into the bowl for every good thing our children do- chores; being sweet to each other; helping others. And we’d take a bean out for the infractions- forgetting to do homework; stretching the truth; a messy room…
I’m inviting you to make the Bean Bowl a part of your 153Promise in your household. It can serve as a light-hearted reminder to make good choices as a family. You might even put a line on the side as a goal and a reward is enjoyed by all once your family gets enough beans.
It’s certainly more versatile than a swear jar, and it’s a lot easier to keep track of than a fancy chart. Plus, there’s the added benefit of it being one communal bowl.
And imagine the look on their faces when you explain to them the origin of “The Bean Bowl” when they are old enough.
Just remember that the originators are Benny and Doris.
I was a bit long-winded yesterday, so I’ll try to make my Christmas post a bit more concise…
I got onto Facebook this morning and was greeted by tons of beaming smiles and pictures of presents. And that’s awesome. But what happens once the euphoria wears off and normalcy sets in? Will the extreme happiness still be there? Or will there be a little anti-climactic letdown as we get on with daily life?
My husband and I got into a deep philosophical chat about my issue with the “Happiness is your birthright” comment in the Angel From Hell trailer I posted. He didn’t understand my objection. He thought it’s a nice idea to think that everybody deserves to be happy; I argued that we do NOT deserve to be happy; just have our needs met. And that’s where we began to pontificate.
From my perspective, the only thing we deserve is to not suffer.
If I do not go hungry, I have heat when I’m cold and my other basic needs met, then that’s good enough for me. Truly.
I do not think I’m entitled to anything more than to break even in my day. Anything else is extra and while it may roll over into tomorrow and can ease any insecurities, it’s not happiness.
Similarly, money and possessions cannot bring happiness; rather, I think it just raises the bar higher to make increasing demands to keep a certain status quo. I prefer not to chase this elusive emotion. I’d rather just achieve contentment with what I already possess.
But if happiness means the ability to experience joy, then yes, we all should possesses this skill.
The key is to be able to experience intense pleasure from every day events: a feel of piece of chocolate as it melts in your mouth; the smell of the earth on a warm day; the song of a bird at dusk; a cozy sweatshirt…
All these little sensations bring me happiness because I realize how lucky I am to be able to be in the present moment and be thankful for these little gifts.
But I do not think that the mere fact that I am on this Earth entitles me to any excess beyond sustaining life.
So my 153Promise for the day is to remind my children to be thankful for all the extras they have in life.
It may be a cliché, but happiness really is a state of mind that comes from within. If being content with what we already have can be our new happiness, then that’s the key to true inner peace.
Fostering this ability is the best gift we can give our children.
It’s Christmas Eve Day. Kids are out of school; there are last minute shopping for stocking stuffers; cookies are laid out, and presents go under the tree for tomorrow morning.
Little ones will wake up super early, eager to rip open their gifts.
Some even go to church.
Before I get too deep into my post, I submit to you one of my favorite clips of the holidays:
I try not to speak too much about faith on this blog because that subject can get very touchy due to all the perversions of the beliefs in all the different world religions. However, I think it’s appropriate today, given all the expectations of tonight and tomorrow. But first, I think it’s only fair that I tell you a little bit about who I am so you have a little perspective on the woman who’s writing this Christmas Miracle post…
I am Muslim. I converted (some prefer the term ‘reverted’) when I got married to my husband several years ago. I thought it was important to have a united front as a family. His whole family is wonderful and they all live the true Islamic way. They love God (Allah) and have shown me more love since meeting me a few years ago than I’ve experienced my whole life by my family of origin.
Before that, I was studying Buddhism. (I still do.) Before that, I was not much of anything. Before that, I was a hard core Catholic. Like, leading the Sunday mass as a cantor in high school Catholic. My journey has had many twists and turns, but my path right now has me wearing a scarf. (I suppose when I decide to commit to something, I really embrace it.)
People see the scarf and make all kinds of assumptions. People think I’m oppressed, crazy, brainwashed, a terrorist… all those great media-perpetuated stereotypes. People somehow think Islam is the Anti-Christian religion. As a result, I feel like I need to go out of my way to really get into the holiday spirit, just to show that Muslims are not some Godless group. I’m sure most of the general public would be shocked to learn that we “believe” in Jesus- he’s in the Qur’an. He was born of the Virgin Mary. He traveled and preached the Word of God. He was prosecuted for his teachings, and he will come back at the end of days as the Messiah. The main departure is that Muslims do not concede that Jesus is God, and that he did not die on the cross for our sins. But many surveys have been conducted asking self-proclaimed Christians if they believe that Jesus is the only way to everlasting life, and the numbers are in the teens.
I could go on and on about the topic of the faiths and how they are observed, but in short, I am NOT anti-Christmas. When people ask me if I “celebrate” Christmas, I have to really gage how they ask it. Are they worried about offending me? Are they asking about Islam? Is it just a passive aggressive poke? So to answer, while I do not acknowledge Christmas as a day to give praise to the birth of God incarnate, yes, I do observe that this is the time to recognize the birth of Jesus.
It’s also the time of the winter solstice and the new calendar year.
So do I decorate for the season? Yes. In fact, we’re the only house on the block with religious decorations! (We have an light up angel hanging off our porch banister.)
Do I give gifts of affection when we visit relatives over winter break? Yes. We have pictures of our son sitting on Santa’s lap (taken for free at the YMCA). In Turkey, Santa is called “Noel Baba” and in fact, the original St. Nicholas is from Turkey! You see him and decorated trees in Turkish malls this time of year.
In short, do I participate in the wide-spread secularism of Christmas? Like most of the general public, yes. But our household keeps it low key for two reasons:
we truly embrace what Christmas is all about and treat the true meaning with respect
we are trying to teach our children moderation and not buy into the sense of greed and entitlement of the season.
I held this position even before I met my now husband. I’ve always thought that Jesus has been lost along the way and capitalism has taken over. Sad on all accounts. In that sense, Charlie Brown and I are of the same mind.
So my point is that I’d love to see some Christmas Miracles tonight and tomorrow… if you celebrate Christmas, please take your children to church. Pray to God for peace on Earth. Think of Jesus and what he preached during his 33 years. Listen to the sermon of your spiritual leaders. Hopefully, he or she will remind the congregation that we are all brothers and sisters in the eyes of God.
And when your children begin with the Gimmie-gimmies, pause for a moment to give them a reality check about where their hearts are Christmas morning. In that sense, a little Buddhist mindfulness would be a great addition amongst the boxes and bows.
What prompted me to make this post?
I was on the elliptical at the Y yesterday, and this came on the machine:
Perfect timing, ironically. Just as the story of the angel of the Lord sends word to Mary that she will be giving birth to Jesus, an Angel from Hell comes to a woman and tells her that, “You don’t just deserve to be happy; it’s your birthright.”
Really???
That sense of entitlement is exactly what is wrong with our society.
Yes, I am Muslim. And I am going to truly observe the meaning of Christmas by humbly praying to God that parents everywhere — no matter what faith — make the 153Promise to their families by teaching their children to be thankful for everything that they have. Gifts are not just the items under the tree. Gifts are everywhere: your home, your working body parts, your bosses or teachers, your relatives…
It’s my prayer that Christmas Miracles of appreciation are in the air… no just tonight and tomorrow, but all year around.
A colleague of mine came into school yesterday with some new bling. She and her boyfriend have been dating for seven years and they’ve been discussing marriage; even to the point of looking at houses. So she knew “The Day” was coming… just not when.
As it turns out, he was being stealthy, planning something before the holidays. Nice. She was truly surprised and she showed me the great photos- complete with rose petals and the backdrop of Central Park.
I told her that she would be the inspiration for my post today, since I figure that a lot of proposals would be happening this holiday week.
I know it’s tempting to rush out and get wedding planning books, bride magazines, and begin calling around to find just the right venue. However, I am going to strongly suggest the FIRST item you buy is this great book:
There’s also a workbook that comes along with it you can buy. It’s well written — intelligent but digestible — and if you like his stuff, he’s got many more books about marriage, parenting, and emotional intelligence.
Because while the trappings of a wedding can be very seductive, once all the cake has been eaten and people finally take your “Save the Date” postcard magnet off the fridge, you’re left with this person you married.
The topic of how to raise children may not be the first thing couples talk about when deciding whether or not to tie the knot, but it’s important to keep in mind why your are making this commitment… presumably to have a family and create a stable environment for your children.
So to all those people who’ve popped or been popped to… Congratulations!
Now make the 153Promise to each other and your future family by digging a solid foundation to the life you are seeking to build.
My son just turned three and a half years old yesterday. I can’t say enough about the guy. He’s bright, got a sunny disposition and a laugh that could melt the Antarctic. Every day, I thank God for my precious gift.
I love watching him develop and learn new skills as he figures out the world and his place in it. It’s the coolest thing when something is there today that wasn’t there yesterday. And that new concept is… jealousy.
My son and I were hanging out in the kitchen yesterday morning. My husband comes down the stairs into the living room. He says good morning, and I go over to give him a hug and kiss. Our usually happy-go-lucky son hops down off the stool and says, “No, Baba, (that’s Turkish for Daddy), that’s MY Mommish!” (That’s our son’s Turklish pet name for me.)
I instantly said to my boy, “Oh, sweetie, there’s enough love for everybody!” We then made a counting game of me kissing my son ten times, and then I kissed my husband ten times. And so on until we ended in a three-way hug.
I totally can see why my son was upset. We are constantly teaching him to share… because most times, the set item has a finite supply and anything he takes means that someone else will have to do without. It is totally understandable to apply the same logic to kisses: if I give ten kisses to my husband, that leaves ten fewer for my son, right???
So we had to show our son that there will never be an end to kisses. They are not like toys at the YMCA playground or animal crackers at snack time. It’s not a game to compete for the limited supply.
Now, can you imagine if I shamed him by reprimanding his behavior? That he shouldn’t WANT my love? If I had pushed him away to keep hugging my husband, that would have taught my son that my love IS a thing to compete for and covet. No child should be made to feel guilty for wanting their parents’ love. It would have caused him anxiety and rightfully so. Love should never be contest.
So next time one of your children is competing for your attention (which is really your affection), explain to them that the best way to give everybody what they want is to all pile together and get it done!
Feeling pulled in different directions? If everybody folds the laundry together, then there’s more time freed up to work on homework, together, at the same table.
It’s just like architecture: the more (tri)angles there are, the stronger the structure. So the more people sharing the love, the more triangles can be formed, thereby strengthening the love!
So make the 153Promise to show the regenerating power of your love! Supplies unlimited: Act Now!
When I was in high school, I discovered musicals. My favorite at the time was Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim. It’s a mash-up of several fairy tales, whereby they all have to go into the woods to get what they want. (Symbolism, anybody?)
Toward the end of the work, a widower/baker begins to tell his fussing infant child the story of his mother, creating a legacy for his offspring. The witch who was the antagonist throughout the plot stands off to the side, offering one of the main messages of the musical in the form of a haunting lullaby, warning:
Careful the things you say; Children will listen. Careful the things you do; Children will see And learn.
Children may not obey, But children will listen. Children will look to you For which way to turn- To learn what to be. Careful before you say: “Listen to me.” Children will listen…
I remember singing along with my tape (yes, I’m that old), in my bedroom and I loved that song for it’s bittersweetness. Now that I’m a mother and have children of my own, I understand this song on a whole different level.
For me now, the message this song sends is that your sons and daughters will learn about the world through your words and actions. What lessons do you want to send through how you act?
The first understandings of how a relationship is supposed to function is from how you interact with your partner. (At a young age, they cannot separate themselves from the situation; how you react with them teaches them more about the world; not interpersonal communication.) Therefore, it is very important to model what a healthy, loving relationship looks and sounds like.
I was given the model of dysfunction. When I was growing up, my parents argued all the time. They were never affectionate. I came to believe that the people who are highly involved in your life are also the ones who know you enough to hypercritical about you. Hugging and kissing was only the stuff in movies and obviously not reality. As a result, I sought out that same dysfunction I was used to seeing as a child.
Only now as I write this am I realizing that it took another 18 years away from my parents to totally relearn life lessons in how to attract and keep functional relationships. I think I am not unique in this phenomenon whereby people turn a corner in their insight about their lives in their mid 30s- it’s because they have had as many years away from their family of origin to realize that their understanding of the world and the people in it comes from their childhood and is not necessarily Truth.
When your children experience second hand your relationship you have with their father, mother — biological or otherwise — you are really creating a certain “relationship radar” in your children. So make the 153Promise to your husband, wife, partner or any other people your children come in contact with to model the type of relationship your children will have when they become old enough to have one of their own.
Recently, I was helping someone write their response for an application regarding their career path. The prompt was to talk about themselves in a way that was otherwise not reflected in their application. This person kept coming back to me with several revisions because I thought they kept missing the mark. I softened the blow by saying while there was nothing really wrong with what they wrote, I explained that it didn’t feel authentic… it seemed forced and not like it came organically from the writer. Rather than writing a heartfelt narrative that taught us about who they are as a person, the piece read more like a résumé in scrawling prose form.
Good writing sessions are almost like therapy; you need to find out what they are really trying to say, and get them to realize it on paper. When I started prodding a bit, the word fear came out of the person’s mouth. When I asked what they meant by that the response was, “I am afraid of sounding too boastful.”
That was the light bulb moment.
If you list all the things you accomplish in life, then yes; that is boastful. But if you are celebrating the great qualities that make you special, then that is called self esteem.
I could easily list all the things I did so far in my life: singing professionally with a jazz group; going storm chasing; winning first prizes in road races for my age category; having a completely unmedicated childbirth for my son… Now that starts to sound like I’m bragging.
But if I say I am very emotional in my song interpretation, I have an adventurous spirit, I value making healthy choices through exercise and a natural lifestyle, then I am sharing with you what makes me unique.
I thought it was important to make this distinction right after yesterday’s post about making a 153Promise through instilling a healthy self concept with your children by modeling it with yourself. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself for who you are… just not for all the things you did. Overvaluing accomplishments is like white-knuckling your self concept. If you have to cling onto some list of moments, then you are actually being very insecure. True inner peace and happiness comes from the ability to shine your inner light for all to see… even if they have no idea what you’ve done.
I don’t get into religion very much on here, but I felt it in my heart to quote a very popular verse. It says in the Bible in 1 Corrinthians 13 4-5 that love is not boastful and keeps no record of wrongdoing. Therefore, if you are truly filling your heart with love, it cannot possibly be boastful. It’s also underscoring that love does not come from a tally of actions.
So praise yourself — and your children — for all the qualities you and they possess; not for all the things in a record of accomplishments. Otherwise, the love starts feeling conditional… nobody wants to feel loved for the growing list of things they did.
Instead of giving praise for making the Honor Roll or scoring the winning point of a game or cleaning their room, acknowledge their hard work, their courage and their integrity. That’s true love without an attachment or condition. And when they fall short, don’t shame them… use it as an opportunity to explore what happened inside themselves and how they can learn and grow for future success… and do the same thing with yourself.
Make the 153Promise of nurturing a healthy self esteem without the fear of being boastful.
Do you let your children ride the bus???
My grandparents are pretty amazing people. Grandpop was an organic research chemist and Grammy met him when she was a lab assistant. They both got into archeology and amassed quite a collection. As a result, their basement was practically a museum. Seriously. When they went into a nursing home a few years ago, they donated about 80% of their collection to the Pennsylvania state museum in Harrisburg.
A "Trauma-Free Parenting" Initiative 