Tag: communication

Kids and Stress… Round Peg; Square Hole

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, Relationships, School2 Comments

Sad, Learning, School, Reading, Challenging

The last hour of the Stress Workshop I attended was supposed to be a Q and A about how to best address stress with you children once it rears its ugly head.  I was looking forward to learning some tips and maybe even some proactive strategies.  It didn’t happen.

Instead, these were some of the questions that parents asked:

  • How can I get my kid to hand in her homework?
  • Why won’t my kid do his homework?
  • How can I get my kids to listen to me?
  • Why won’t my kid do his chores?

You see the pattern?  These weren’t actual open ended questions about how to HELP their kids; these were actually complaints disguised as questions.

Continue reading “Kids and Stress… Round Peg; Square Hole” →

Managing Stress: It’s a Continuum

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, SchoolLeave a comment

This is the third installment on my series of notes from the Stress Workshop I attended last week hosted by our school district…

Once the speaker, psychologist Lou Bevilacqua, defined stress and who gets it, he gave some basic tips on what to do.

Angry Man, Point, Finger, India, AngryFirst, he said the following strategies do NOT work:

  • yelling
  • threatening
  • shutting down
  • melting down
  • lecturing
  • bribing
  • blackmailing
  • nagging

and finally,

  • ignoring
  • invalidating

Continue reading “Managing Stress: It’s a Continuum” →

What You Kept Hearing as a Kid…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Parenting, Relationships, ValidationLeave a comment

Close-Up, Communication, Deaf, EarPositive or not, what your parents said to you over and over when you were growing up has a lasting effect.

It becomes a mantra –consciously or otherwise — and will manifest in your own parenting if not acknowledged.

A little memory exercise to recall what you heard as a kid might create some awareness in what you say to your own children.

The ones I heard were:

  • Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about
  • Either put it away, or chuck it away
  • JENNIFER!!! (usually from another room, just before the you-know-what hit the fan)
  • If you hate me so much, then just divorce me (said by Mom to Dad after his criticism)
  • Jerk
  • Candy Ass
  • Lazy
  • You’ll never get into college and will wind up homeless

and then, the most confusing:

  • I love you/I’m sorry

I make it my #153Promise ever day to not belittle my children and/or send them mixed messages.  I love them.  I appreciate them.  I value them.  Love should not bring shame, fear or guilt.

Saint, Meditation, Yoga, Meditating

Please make it your #153Promise to examine the messages you send to you children.  Ask them what they hear you say a lot.  Make it during a calm time.  Make them feel safe with their response.

It may just open your eyes… and ears.

-Kisses! XxXx

A Traumatic Statistic: Prevalence of PTSD

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Organization and Business, Parenting, Relationships, School, ValidationLeave a comment

Fear, Woman, Crack, Notch, Furrow

Did you know that a whopping 70% of the general public will experience a traumatic event, and of those who do, 20% go on to develop PTSD?

Children lack the proper coping mechanisms, so they are particularly vulnerable.

War is not the only way to get PTSD.  Other traumatic events can include:

  • a serious injury or illness
  • a death
  • a car accident
  • a significant life change, like a divorce or move
  • abuse or bullying
  • dysfunction in the home, like yelling or addiction
  • a disaster like a fire
  • a crime
  • either first-hand experience of the events above or even witnessing them second-hand

The key to not developing PTSD in the first place is to get immediate aftercare.  But if that did not happen, it’s not too late to seek treatment for your child months or even years afterward.

Some of the symptoms of PTSD, according to the Mayo Clinic and WebMD re:

  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • Always being on guard for danger
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Not enjoying activities usually enjoyed
  • Avoiding certain situations
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Bad dreams
  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Panic attacks
  • Headaches, stomach aches, muscle pain without specific injury

For students, these may also manifest as lowered grades or discipline problems at school.

Candle, Rose, Tealight, Quiet

Every child deserves to feel at peace and safe in their environment.  You never know if something they experienced may have been recorded as a trauma in their brain and they need professional help to learn how to re-regulate their emotions.

If your child starts to begin to display any of the signs above, or if they or your family has experienced any of the major events listed above,  please make the #153Promise to contact their guidance counselor and share your concerns.

They may need validation from someone who understands what they are going through.

-KissesXxXx

 

Trust the Teachers: Another Way to Love Your Kids

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, School, ValidationLeave a comment

Education, School, Back To SchoolNow’s the time to select courses for next year.  Placing your child in the correct classes is a very important decision and can set the stage for either a pleasant year, or a stressful one.

You child’s teachers have been monitoring their progress since September.  They know the strengths and weaknesses of your child and also know about the requirements of the courses for next year.

If your child is doing well this year, that’s not necessarily an indication that they should be ‘bumped up’ a level.  Unless they are making high As and say they want more of a challenge, you may be setting up your child to be stretched too thin next year.

Conversely, if you have a student who’s been struggling all year, you may want to ask the teacher’s opinion about actually dropping down a level.  There’s no shame in admitting that your child is in over their head.

If your child is going into or currently in high school, I’d also take your child’s desires into consideration when planning for post graduation.  Do not automatically assume they are going into college.  If they are not self motivated and/or do not like school or reading, then they very likely will not see the value in getting up to go to classes, preparing for them, writing the papers and studying for the few tests they will have.  You may want to discuss career options that include technical training.  They may be able to learn skills that give them the chance to get a career with opportunity for growth in a field they enjoy.

Think about the years 18-22: would you rather pay for tuition where they’re barely passing, or have them make their own money, learn independence, and feel pride that they are making a wage doing honorable work?

Book, Bored, College, Education, FemaleAn education should be to discover what your child can learn and achieve- not what they can’t do.  You may ‘know’ your child, but in this area, their teachers know more.  You may see them doing their work at home, but if the teacher records zeros for assignments not handed in, your child may be sending you a coded message.  They may be in their room ‘studying’ all night, but if they are not testing well, have you quizzed them on the material the night before to make sure they knew the content?

True, every child deserves opportunities.  But if a teacher thinks the child is truly not at the point of readiness for a certain step in their education, then the opportunity you may actually be providing is to set them up for failure.

Birger Kollmeier, Professor, Blackboard

Please keep your own ego and motivation in check if you are considering overriding either your child or their teacher’s thoughts regarding class selection for next year.

Make it your #153Promise to trust the teachers to know what’s best regarding your child’s scholastic abilities to give your child every opportunity to succeed.

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

Cursing Cupid- Shoot an Arrow through Expectations

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, humor, Love, Parenting, Relationships, ValidationLeave a comment

Love, Valentine'S Day, Pose, HeartT minus four days and counting…  The “holiday” that gets men in a panic and parents in a bind.

The internet is bursting with last minute ideas for “romantic” gifts.  Dollar stores (thank God!) still have boxes of cards on their shelves.  And adults everywhere are cursing Cupid.

But I’m kwel as a Kit Kat.  Why?

Because I have no expectations.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.

I tend to think that the more someone “needs” someone else to make a big deal over these special days, the more likely it is that that person has been ignored all year.

I’m not into a bipolar, feast or famine type of situation.  I just want to feel appreciated on a daily basis.  No need for fancy cards, flowers, or dinner to get my motor running.  Know what turns me on?  Coming home after a busy day to an empty sink and some folded laundry.  Oh, yeah…  Bow chick-a wow wow.

I was a Twelve-Stepper for a spell when I was working on my codependency issues, and I learned a great saying:

Expectations are just premeditated resentments.

It pretty much blew my mind.  If I expect a certain person to act a certain way or do a certain thing, then I’m just setting myself up to be disappointed.  However, I think the word “Passive” needs to be added at the start of the sentence.

Passive expectations are just premeditated resentments.

If I expect somebody to do something, but I don’t actively express to them my desires, I don’t think it’s fair to hold them hostage when they fail to read my mind.

Heart, Love, Romance, Valentine

So if you want to go out for dinner, tell your spouse.  If you want your children to set the table, tell them.  Then, after a while, they’ll do it on their own without you asking because they see how darn happy it makes you.

The same applies with my children. I’d rather them experience true happiness on a daily basis, rather than getting all worked up into a lather a few times a year.  It says to me that they feel special every day.

Lorenz Hart (ironically) wrote “My Funny Valentine,” and his lyrics express this sentiment perfectly:

Your looks are laughable; unphotograph-able…

Yet you’re my favorite work of art….

Each day is Valentines’ Day.

Make it your #153Promise this Valentines’ Day to have low expectations and to actively express them.

Shoot an arrow right through the hype.

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

And “E” is for…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Relationships, School, Uncategorized3 Comments

Empathize!

At first, one may think it’s the same as Validate, but not so.

  • To Validate, one must ask, “How do they feel?”
  • To Empathize, one must ask, “How would I feel?”
  • To Validate, one must wonder, “What are their emotions?”
  • To Empathize, one must wonder, “Why are they having those emotions?”
  • To Validate, you let them know that you understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree.
  • To Empathize, you have to force yourself to know why they must be feeling that way.

Forest Path, Girl, Forest, Nature, PathI like to think of it this way… Do you know that famous saying adopted from the Native American culture, “Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes”?  Well, I am a very literal person, so that means that I STOLE their shoes!  (Also meaning it’s impossible to know 100% what ANOTHER person must feel.) Instead, I like to think of it as:

“Walk down the PATH they’ve walked; then see how YOU feel.”

The moment I start doing that with my students, I develop a much better relationship with them.  A kid doesn’t have their homework because they got home late from a swim meet and they were tired?  I get it….  I now have a ten year old and I am now walking the walk.  Sometimes, it just doesn’t get done.

It’s easier to do that to someone else’s kid because there’s the distance factor…  But it’s really easy so say to our own family members, “I AM walking that path.“

But are you???

Arapaho, Moccasins, Shoes, Bata, ShoeWhen was the last time you were smaller than everybody else?  When was the last time you had almost ZERO control over your circumstances?  When was the last time someone ELSE paid your rent/mortgage and held it against you?  Or chose what you had to eat?  Or wear?

Hmmmm…. kind of sounds like prison, right?

My point is not to start indulging our kids all the time; but maybe we should stop some times and try to feel their angst.  Their pain.  Their fear and frustration.  Maybe then, we’ll be less likely to judge their actions if we understand what motivates them.

THEN, we can Validate them and work to find some common ground.

Make the #153Promise to Walk their Path.

-Kisses!  XxXx

“V” is for Validate

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Uncategorized, Validation7 Comments

In order to begin to write this post, I “Googled” the word:ValidateIf Google gives an example using healthy families, I must be onto something.

Approval, Female, Gesture, Hand, Happy, Isolated

I started to use validation as key to getting along with my very opinionated three year old son, and it’s made him so much happier.  Me, too!  Here’s just one example: vending machines at the YMCA.  Kids like to slide quarters into those machines like my 91 year old aunt in Atlantic City.  Almost every time I take him to the gym, I’ll get a, “I want-” with his current obsession- pretzels, animal crackers, chocolate wafers…

Instead of me saying, “No,” which logically would set him up to reply, “But, I WANT it,” I say, “Wow!  They do look really tasty.  I can see why you like them.  I’d like some, too.  Right now, I don’t have any quarters.  But we do have them at home.  How about I give you a snack of pretzels after we leave here… in about five minutes.  Can you be a good boy and be patient to wait until then?”  He always agrees to be a good boy.  I make good on my promise.  He now trusts me to validate his feelings… and they have never escalated since validating him.

It’s really an amazing shift to observe.

It’s tied in very closely to the “L” of Love, “Listen.”

Kids — and people in general — just want to know that they are being heard and valued.  That’s it.  It’s why wives resent it when their husbands try to fix their problems, when all they wanted was a sympathetic ear.  It’s why tweens resort to whining.  It’s why customer service stinks half the time.  We just want to be validated that we have a right to our feelings.

Make the #153Promise to validate your children’s feelings.  Let them know that even if you’re not willing to buy that outfit at the mall, you understand why they want it.  And then work together to find an acceptable alternative to both sides, rather than just saying, “No… because I SAY so!”  The last thing you want to do is shut them down.  They’ll only resort to either being sneaky or going to someone else instead who “Gets” them.

Try it this weekend.  Make the #153Promise to validate each one of your children at least once when you catch yourself wanting to say “No” and watch what happens.

Then validate ME by coming back and posting a comment about how it went!

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

“L” is for Listen…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Relationships, School, Validation1 Comment

I made a post a while back on my acronym for LOVE.  It’s such an important concept that I thought each letter deserves its own day.

Mila Repa, Buddha, Bodhisattva, Esoteric, Right Hand“Listen” is the first word that spells out how to love (according to me).  If you don’t listen to someone, communication and trust breaks down, and it’s pretty difficult (if not impossible) for them to believe anything you say to them.

My daughter gave me the perfect example last night.

We were all eating dinner last night- my husband, our ten year old daughter, our three year old son, and me.  My daughter is from a two-household situation, so she’s with us Mondays, Tuesdays and every other weekend.  It stinks, but we manage.  Of the time she’s with us, Mondays and Fridays are gymnastics, and my husband works on Fridays and Saturdays.  Therefore, Tuesday nights are the only time we can have an extended dinner together.  Again, it stinks, but we make the most of the time, being thankful that we make that part of the week a priority.

Picture the table: I’m talkative and love to reflect on my day.  Our son is a ball of white lighting and can easily dominate.  My husband, when he speaks, usually says something of deep import.  And then there’s our daughter.

She’s does have her chatty moments, but in general, she’s a monosyllabic girl.  When I ask her how her day went, “Fine” is usually what I get.  Such was the case last night.  But a few minutes later, in between second helpings of rice and chili, and our son’s random musings, I managed to hear “I cried in school today… ”

She then proceeded to unravel a convoluted thread of fifth grade drama involving a group project, conflicting ideas, allegations of copying, and bruised egos.  It clearly was important to her.  I listened to her and gave her my full attention.  I asked her if she’s okay now (she said she was) and she said, “I guess it’s just been an emotional week for me, with…” and then she emoted even more.  About being from a divorce situation; her great grandmother dying this week; course selection for middle school… I offered to contact her teacher on her behalf and reassured her that we’re there for her.

Imagine if, when she first said about her crying, I hadn’t listened to her.  What if I had just said, “Okay, Honey” and went on with my business?  It would have destroyed her.  Or what if we never made time to talk as a family?

Silhouette, Father And Son, Sundown, Chat, Advice

Make the #153Promise to connect with your children on a daily basis to ask them about their day and really listen.  It doesn’t have to be at a sit-down dinner; you can set the stage for “ear time” by:

  • having a “no electronics” rule in the car and use the taxi time to debrief each other about important issues
  • still “tuck them in at night” so they can have some one-on-one time with you
  • making breakfast a “sharing time” as everyone is getting ready in the morning (if lunches and backpacks are already packed, clothes are picked out the night before, and healthy breakfasts are available, it frees up a lot of important time)

Listening is the first step to let your children know they are loved.

-Kisses!  XxXx

Out of the Mouth of Babes: Inheriting Opinions from the “Media” of Parenting

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, SchoolLeave a comment

I’ve been on a roll regarding the topic of what’s passed down from parent to child, and this post is no different.  I think it’s because I’m fascinated about how children develop and the role we as parents play in that process.

I’ve been a teacher, director and coach for over a decade and a half, so I’ve had  interactions with thousands of kids ranged from 11 to 18.  It’s amazing to me what kids:

  • don’t know (I can teach that.)
  • actually know (I can test that.)
  • think they know (I can challenge that… or can I?)

It’s the third category I’m going to discuss in this post.

Hand, Puppet, Snowman, Political

When kids know or don’t know facts, it’s my job as an educator to document these proficiencies or deficiencies and fill in the gaps with the content of my subject matter.  Schools also are to model good behavior and positive character development: be polite; don’t bully; clean up before you leave…  But it starts to get very dicey when a student professes a certain opinion and they are convinced that it is the “Truth.”  What do I do with that?  What do I do when that opinion may step on the toes of a certain population?  And especially when I suspect they have adopted that opinion from their parents?

The media bombards our senses with a skewed representation of reality masquerading as fact.  I think many adults know by know that Fox News is slanted to the Right, for example.  And we tend to gravitate to the media’s spin that confirms our own pre-existing bias.  But young people are not that savvy.

What we need to understand that WE as parents are “the media” to our children.  They look up to us and respect us (whether or not they eat their vegetables, clean their room, or expect “No” for an answer).  So what spin are we putting onto their young, malleable minds?

It becomes very obvious during election years.  When a 12 year old begins talking about immigration or terrorists and what to do with “those” people, he/she is getting that from somewhere… and unless they have CNN feeds downloaded onto their tablet/ipod/cell phone, chances are, they are picking up on your political views.

I’m not about to step in and micro-manage your dinner table conversation (hopefully you are having them), but I do ask you to make the 153Promise to realize that whatever you say, your children will absorb and repackage in their own way.

Have you discussed Caitlin Jenner?  Donald Trump?  The Pope?  Syria?  Are your children around?  What messages are they internalizing?  Is it age appropriate and fair for them to have those ideas in their head?  How are they fitting your political opinions into their understanding of the world?

Opinions may not be genetic, but they are definitely inherited.  Consider making the 153Promise to give your children a fair and balanced view on topics so they can sort it out on their own.  Or if it’s too much for them to handle, you may want to censor yourself in the future.

Like it or not, your kids will go into school parroting what you say at home.  What do you want coming out of their mouths?  Is it true?  Is it kind?  Do they know the difference between fact verses your opinion?

What “Parenting Media” do you want your children to inherit?

Kisses!  XxXx