Tag: family

For Black History Month: A Poem of My Legacy

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Relationships, School, WritingLeave a comment

Matroeska, Vintage, Crafts, Hand PaintedFebruary is Black History Month, a teacher at my school helped to create a poetry project. She and another adult at one of our sister high schools made an all-call for poetry regarding our own family history.  I don’t want to put words in their mouths, but I think their objective for the project was to go beyond race to embrace everyone’s history.

The prompt to get us to create a submission asked us how we plan to contribute to our family’s legacy.

This is what I came up with:

“Cerberus”Krampus, Customs, Austria, Mask, Devil

On the floor

Gasping for air

A woman-

                  A mother-

                                    A child-

In one, suffering body.

She screams through sobs, snot and regret.

“Oh God!  Take this pain away!”

A journey this low created by decades-

                  Of shame

                                    And guilt

                                                      And fear.

Sometimes, the only way out-

                  up

Is

Something larger than herself grabs her,

Pulls her-

Away from that destiny written by the women

Generations before her.

Lifting her bosom and eyes to the sky,

She rejects the path

                  Of shame

                                    And guilt

                                                      And fear.

And she says:

“Oh God, I see the pattern of broken, woven threads.

I see the cross, heavy from the burden of judgement.

I see the toxic mold others have crafted for me…

But I WILL NOT go with the flow.

I WILL NOT carry the load

I WILL NOT contort my spirit

to conform to a lineage of dysfunction.

Breaking the cycle

                  Of shame

                                    And guilt

                                                      And fear

She stands.

On her own two feet.

Undefeated,

                                                      Learning her new name.

                  Stronger without blame.

Wiser from her pain.

She’s making

For herself…              for her inner child….                  And her daughter.

Explanation

A “Cerberus” is a Greek mythological creature.  It appears as a three headed dog that serves to guard the underworld and prevents those in Hell from leaving.  (Technically, the picture above is Krampus; I couldn’t find a fitting royalty-free Cerberus… go figure.)

My “Cerberus” was shame, guilt and fear, instilled during my childhood.

A little introspection and family of origin work gave me the insight that emotional dysregulation can be inherited, if not necessarily genetic.

I made the #153Promise to myself and my children that I would end that cycle of emotional abuse and make proactive parenting decisions that promote positive mental health and wellness.

What’s your legacy???

-Kisses! XxXx

Thaw Out Your Kids By Lining Up a Summer Job!

On By JenniferOzgurIn ParentingLeave a comment

Ice, Ice Age, Icicle, Winter, Cold, Snow

Everybody on the East Coast is talking about how flippin’ cold it’s going to be this three day weekend.  Freezing or not, what better time to start thinking about plans for this summer!

Taking on a job or volunteering position is an excellent way to teach responsibility and learn about what possible career topics they are considering; it gets your teenager thinking about their future…. Just at the time they are consider what courses they’ll be taking for next year.  And doing it now — before the mad rush in June — is an excellent lesson in preparing and not procrastinating… not to mention that they’ll have many more choices available to them.

Friends, Summer Camp, Leaders, MentorsIf your child is over 18, then they are an adult and can apply pretty much anywhere, as long as they meet the job description requirements.

If they are under 14, they are generally too young to be getting a “real” job with an actual employer.

But those three years in between get a little tricky.  Every state has their own child labor laws.  Some deal with dangerous situations, like knives.  Some deal with food preparation or the presence of alcohol.  Others regulate manual work, such as pounds required to lift.

Looking for ideas?  Try:

  • The mall- ones stop shopping for tons of options
  • The YMCA- they have a lot of programming and camps
  • The library- a great, safe environment
  • Pools- if they’re a swimmer, there’s time to get a junior life guard certification
  • Babysitting- there’s an online course offered by the Red Cross

 

If you can’t commit to putting your teenager on a set schedule because you want a flexible schedule, volunteering is also a great option…. And if your child is under working age, maybe it’s time to start planning your family vacation!

No matter what you decide, make it your #153Promise to set your child up for an awesome summer. Coffee, Mug, Winter, Drink, Coffee Mug

Goodness knows we need something to get us through the next few months!

-Kisses! XxXx

 

Tween Bras Are All Thumbs Down

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, ParentingLeave a comment

Bra, Clothing, Garments, Bust Holder, LingerieI woke up this morning and found this article about bras for tweens on my “news” feed this morning.

I’m sorry, PopSugarMoms, but I do not agree with rushing little girls into womanhood.

In it, the author writes:

Because there’s NOTHING sexual about an age-appropriate bra for a kid who wants one. There are styles made just for little girls, just as there are for adolescents and teens. There’s even a cool new line of Star Wars bras and sports bras for girls.

Who wants to buy her daughter a bra she doesn’t need just because she wants one?

*both thumbs down* NOT this gal.

I just don’t think it’s sending the correct message to want to rush things she’ll have plenty of time for when she’s older.

I’ve had the battle with my ex and he actually went behind my back to buy one.

But I’m sticking to my guns (no put intended) and making it my #153Promise to myself to be true to my convictions and not follow trends just because.

What do you stand for or against?  Are you willing to stay strong even when you don’t have the support???

 

 

Jesus is a Hugger and a Kite… My Son’s Lesson on Perspective

On By JenniferOzgurIn humor, Love, ValidationLeave a comment

I thought I’d make a post about why my 3.5 year old son’s been saying about Jesus for the past few months.

Jesus Christ, Cross, Jesus, Faith, Christ, Religion

Almost every night after I pick him up from preschool, we drive past a Catholic cemetery with a giant crucifix prominently light up at night.  Once my son started noticing the statue, he asked who that was.  When I told him, he responded from the back seat with his arms outstretched, proudly saying, “I’m Jesus, too!”

Then, just the other week, my son said, “Jesus is giving me a hug!”

Wow.  I was raised Catholic.  We went to church every Sunday.  I attended Youth Group.  I even was the Cantor for mass.  In all those years, never ONCE did I ever think Jesus, with his arms outstretched, was giving me a hug; it was always about Jesus’ persecution and sacrifice.

Aviator, Air, Wind KiteA few days ago, my son then added a new perspective on Jesus when he exclaimed, “Jesus looks like a kite.”  Okay… that’s getting waaaay out of the box, but I totally see how he came up with that…  I can only imagine what Jesus is going to do next in the eyes of my son.

Now, every time I see Jesus on the cross, I think of how much Jesus loved us and wants us to have a relationship with God.  (No matter what faith you are, Jesus’ teachings are clearly documented.)

And I now also associate Jesus with soaring freely, knowing that God’s love will support me in flight, but also keep me firmly grounded throughout my life.

Pretty deep lesson from a three year old.

I would have lost all of that if I did not Listen to what my son said, Observed what he saw, Validated his perspective and Empathized with his point of view so I could find the metaphors.

Make it your #153Promise today to approach your day-to-day activities with a fresh perspective… maybe from your own children’s.

Sometimes, you just need to look at the world through different lenses to see things more clearly.

-Kisses! XxXx

Cursing Cupid- Shoot an Arrow through Expectations

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, humor, Love, Parenting, Relationships, ValidationLeave a comment

Love, Valentine'S Day, Pose, HeartT minus four days and counting…  The “holiday” that gets men in a panic and parents in a bind.

The internet is bursting with last minute ideas for “romantic” gifts.  Dollar stores (thank God!) still have boxes of cards on their shelves.  And adults everywhere are cursing Cupid.

But I’m kwel as a Kit Kat.  Why?

Because I have no expectations.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.

I tend to think that the more someone “needs” someone else to make a big deal over these special days, the more likely it is that that person has been ignored all year.

I’m not into a bipolar, feast or famine type of situation.  I just want to feel appreciated on a daily basis.  No need for fancy cards, flowers, or dinner to get my motor running.  Know what turns me on?  Coming home after a busy day to an empty sink and some folded laundry.  Oh, yeah…  Bow chick-a wow wow.

I was a Twelve-Stepper for a spell when I was working on my codependency issues, and I learned a great saying:

Expectations are just premeditated resentments.

It pretty much blew my mind.  If I expect a certain person to act a certain way or do a certain thing, then I’m just setting myself up to be disappointed.  However, I think the word “Passive” needs to be added at the start of the sentence.

Passive expectations are just premeditated resentments.

If I expect somebody to do something, but I don’t actively express to them my desires, I don’t think it’s fair to hold them hostage when they fail to read my mind.

Heart, Love, Romance, Valentine

So if you want to go out for dinner, tell your spouse.  If you want your children to set the table, tell them.  Then, after a while, they’ll do it on their own without you asking because they see how darn happy it makes you.

The same applies with my children. I’d rather them experience true happiness on a daily basis, rather than getting all worked up into a lather a few times a year.  It says to me that they feel special every day.

Lorenz Hart (ironically) wrote “My Funny Valentine,” and his lyrics express this sentiment perfectly:

Your looks are laughable; unphotograph-able…

Yet you’re my favorite work of art….

Each day is Valentines’ Day.

Make it your #153Promise this Valentines’ Day to have low expectations and to actively express them.

Shoot an arrow right through the hype.

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

And “E” is for…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Relationships, School, Uncategorized3 Comments

Empathize!

At first, one may think it’s the same as Validate, but not so.

  • To Validate, one must ask, “How do they feel?”
  • To Empathize, one must ask, “How would I feel?”
  • To Validate, one must wonder, “What are their emotions?”
  • To Empathize, one must wonder, “Why are they having those emotions?”
  • To Validate, you let them know that you understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree.
  • To Empathize, you have to force yourself to know why they must be feeling that way.

Forest Path, Girl, Forest, Nature, PathI like to think of it this way… Do you know that famous saying adopted from the Native American culture, “Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes”?  Well, I am a very literal person, so that means that I STOLE their shoes!  (Also meaning it’s impossible to know 100% what ANOTHER person must feel.) Instead, I like to think of it as:

“Walk down the PATH they’ve walked; then see how YOU feel.”

The moment I start doing that with my students, I develop a much better relationship with them.  A kid doesn’t have their homework because they got home late from a swim meet and they were tired?  I get it….  I now have a ten year old and I am now walking the walk.  Sometimes, it just doesn’t get done.

It’s easier to do that to someone else’s kid because there’s the distance factor…  But it’s really easy so say to our own family members, “I AM walking that path.“

But are you???

Arapaho, Moccasins, Shoes, Bata, ShoeWhen was the last time you were smaller than everybody else?  When was the last time you had almost ZERO control over your circumstances?  When was the last time someone ELSE paid your rent/mortgage and held it against you?  Or chose what you had to eat?  Or wear?

Hmmmm…. kind of sounds like prison, right?

My point is not to start indulging our kids all the time; but maybe we should stop some times and try to feel their angst.  Their pain.  Their fear and frustration.  Maybe then, we’ll be less likely to judge their actions if we understand what motivates them.

THEN, we can Validate them and work to find some common ground.

Make the #153Promise to Walk their Path.

-Kisses!  XxXx

“V” is for Validate

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Uncategorized, Validation7 Comments

In order to begin to write this post, I “Googled” the word:ValidateIf Google gives an example using healthy families, I must be onto something.

Approval, Female, Gesture, Hand, Happy, Isolated

I started to use validation as key to getting along with my very opinionated three year old son, and it’s made him so much happier.  Me, too!  Here’s just one example: vending machines at the YMCA.  Kids like to slide quarters into those machines like my 91 year old aunt in Atlantic City.  Almost every time I take him to the gym, I’ll get a, “I want-” with his current obsession- pretzels, animal crackers, chocolate wafers…

Instead of me saying, “No,” which logically would set him up to reply, “But, I WANT it,” I say, “Wow!  They do look really tasty.  I can see why you like them.  I’d like some, too.  Right now, I don’t have any quarters.  But we do have them at home.  How about I give you a snack of pretzels after we leave here… in about five minutes.  Can you be a good boy and be patient to wait until then?”  He always agrees to be a good boy.  I make good on my promise.  He now trusts me to validate his feelings… and they have never escalated since validating him.

It’s really an amazing shift to observe.

It’s tied in very closely to the “L” of Love, “Listen.”

Kids — and people in general — just want to know that they are being heard and valued.  That’s it.  It’s why wives resent it when their husbands try to fix their problems, when all they wanted was a sympathetic ear.  It’s why tweens resort to whining.  It’s why customer service stinks half the time.  We just want to be validated that we have a right to our feelings.

Make the #153Promise to validate your children’s feelings.  Let them know that even if you’re not willing to buy that outfit at the mall, you understand why they want it.  And then work together to find an acceptable alternative to both sides, rather than just saying, “No… because I SAY so!”  The last thing you want to do is shut them down.  They’ll only resort to either being sneaky or going to someone else instead who “Gets” them.

Try it this weekend.  Make the #153Promise to validate each one of your children at least once when you catch yourself wanting to say “No” and watch what happens.

Then validate ME by coming back and posting a comment about how it went!

-Kisses! XxXx

 

 

“L” is for Listen…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Parenting, Relationships, School, Validation1 Comment

I made a post a while back on my acronym for LOVE.  It’s such an important concept that I thought each letter deserves its own day.

Mila Repa, Buddha, Bodhisattva, Esoteric, Right Hand“Listen” is the first word that spells out how to love (according to me).  If you don’t listen to someone, communication and trust breaks down, and it’s pretty difficult (if not impossible) for them to believe anything you say to them.

My daughter gave me the perfect example last night.

We were all eating dinner last night- my husband, our ten year old daughter, our three year old son, and me.  My daughter is from a two-household situation, so she’s with us Mondays, Tuesdays and every other weekend.  It stinks, but we manage.  Of the time she’s with us, Mondays and Fridays are gymnastics, and my husband works on Fridays and Saturdays.  Therefore, Tuesday nights are the only time we can have an extended dinner together.  Again, it stinks, but we make the most of the time, being thankful that we make that part of the week a priority.

Picture the table: I’m talkative and love to reflect on my day.  Our son is a ball of white lighting and can easily dominate.  My husband, when he speaks, usually says something of deep import.  And then there’s our daughter.

She’s does have her chatty moments, but in general, she’s a monosyllabic girl.  When I ask her how her day went, “Fine” is usually what I get.  Such was the case last night.  But a few minutes later, in between second helpings of rice and chili, and our son’s random musings, I managed to hear “I cried in school today… ”

She then proceeded to unravel a convoluted thread of fifth grade drama involving a group project, conflicting ideas, allegations of copying, and bruised egos.  It clearly was important to her.  I listened to her and gave her my full attention.  I asked her if she’s okay now (she said she was) and she said, “I guess it’s just been an emotional week for me, with…” and then she emoted even more.  About being from a divorce situation; her great grandmother dying this week; course selection for middle school… I offered to contact her teacher on her behalf and reassured her that we’re there for her.

Imagine if, when she first said about her crying, I hadn’t listened to her.  What if I had just said, “Okay, Honey” and went on with my business?  It would have destroyed her.  Or what if we never made time to talk as a family?

Silhouette, Father And Son, Sundown, Chat, Advice

Make the #153Promise to connect with your children on a daily basis to ask them about their day and really listen.  It doesn’t have to be at a sit-down dinner; you can set the stage for “ear time” by:

  • having a “no electronics” rule in the car and use the taxi time to debrief each other about important issues
  • still “tuck them in at night” so they can have some one-on-one time with you
  • making breakfast a “sharing time” as everyone is getting ready in the morning (if lunches and backpacks are already packed, clothes are picked out the night before, and healthy breakfasts are available, it frees up a lot of important time)

Listening is the first step to let your children know they are loved.

-Kisses!  XxXx

Social Media is “S & M”

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized1 Comment
woman-929838_1920Twitter; Instagram; Snapchat; Facebook…  these are the new ways to forge relationships, “Like” it, or not.

I find people’s behaviors on social media very interesting.  It’s like of like being drunk: it’s an altered state.  People post things to their “Friends” and make comments they would NEVER do in “real” life.  It begs the question- do people’s real hidden sides come out on the internet, or is there something essentially nefarious about screen interactions?

I’ve seen people who are normally very decorous give raunchy memes the “thumbs up.”  Closeted bigots post anti-fill-in-the-blank comments.  People go on rants about other people and things get shared, amplified and eventually feelings get hurt and real-life friends or relatives get blocked or “un-friended.”

It’s no coincidence to me that social media has “S” and “M” as its initials.  There’s a certain sadistic pleasure some people get from updating a status that will irk others.  And I can’t tell you how many times I read or hear about people’s feelings getting hurt because they were excluded from whatever online group membership they belong… yet they continue to engage in the drama, as if they get some sort or masochistic rush.

In that sense, I don’t see adults being any more mature than their teenage counterparts.

Kids learn what they see.  What kinds of real messages about relationships are you sending by the ones you post online?

Make it the #153Promise to model Sensitivity and Moderation with your social media.

Out of the Mouth of Babes: Inheriting Opinions from the “Media” of Parenting

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, SchoolLeave a comment

I’ve been on a roll regarding the topic of what’s passed down from parent to child, and this post is no different.  I think it’s because I’m fascinated about how children develop and the role we as parents play in that process.

I’ve been a teacher, director and coach for over a decade and a half, so I’ve had  interactions with thousands of kids ranged from 11 to 18.  It’s amazing to me what kids:

  • don’t know (I can teach that.)
  • actually know (I can test that.)
  • think they know (I can challenge that… or can I?)

It’s the third category I’m going to discuss in this post.

Hand, Puppet, Snowman, Political

When kids know or don’t know facts, it’s my job as an educator to document these proficiencies or deficiencies and fill in the gaps with the content of my subject matter.  Schools also are to model good behavior and positive character development: be polite; don’t bully; clean up before you leave…  But it starts to get very dicey when a student professes a certain opinion and they are convinced that it is the “Truth.”  What do I do with that?  What do I do when that opinion may step on the toes of a certain population?  And especially when I suspect they have adopted that opinion from their parents?

The media bombards our senses with a skewed representation of reality masquerading as fact.  I think many adults know by know that Fox News is slanted to the Right, for example.  And we tend to gravitate to the media’s spin that confirms our own pre-existing bias.  But young people are not that savvy.

What we need to understand that WE as parents are “the media” to our children.  They look up to us and respect us (whether or not they eat their vegetables, clean their room, or expect “No” for an answer).  So what spin are we putting onto their young, malleable minds?

It becomes very obvious during election years.  When a 12 year old begins talking about immigration or terrorists and what to do with “those” people, he/she is getting that from somewhere… and unless they have CNN feeds downloaded onto their tablet/ipod/cell phone, chances are, they are picking up on your political views.

I’m not about to step in and micro-manage your dinner table conversation (hopefully you are having them), but I do ask you to make the 153Promise to realize that whatever you say, your children will absorb and repackage in their own way.

Have you discussed Caitlin Jenner?  Donald Trump?  The Pope?  Syria?  Are your children around?  What messages are they internalizing?  Is it age appropriate and fair for them to have those ideas in their head?  How are they fitting your political opinions into their understanding of the world?

Opinions may not be genetic, but they are definitely inherited.  Consider making the 153Promise to give your children a fair and balanced view on topics so they can sort it out on their own.  Or if it’s too much for them to handle, you may want to censor yourself in the future.

Like it or not, your kids will go into school parroting what you say at home.  What do you want coming out of their mouths?  Is it true?  Is it kind?  Do they know the difference between fact verses your opinion?

What “Parenting Media” do you want your children to inherit?

Kisses!  XxXx