Tag: school

Ghosts of Parenting Past and Present

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, Uncategorized2 Comments

Aygul Barieva, Tatar, Artists, Family, Parents, ChildThere many ways to categorize the different parenting styles.  I remember learning about them back (many!) years ago when I was in college, taking my education and psychology courses.

Then I stumbled upon this article today and was surprised that the theory remains intact.

The four are:

  1. Authoritarian- they are the dictators.  “Because I said so!”  Think That 70’s Show.
  2. Authoritative- they rule with firm but kind hand.  “You broke the rules, so here are the consequences.”  Think Leave It To Beaver.
  3. Permissive- They are the best friend.  “Whatever you want, Honey Bunny.” Think Marge from The Simpsons
  4. Uninvolved- They are detached.  “*crickets chirping*”  Think Married with Children

NOTE: I am going to add a 5th… Overinvolved.  They are the helicopters.  “Because I said so.”  Only this is said to other ADULTS, rather than the child.  I don’t have an example from TV since it seems to be a fairly new phenomenon and I don’t watch television.

Can you guess which style is recommended by professionals?  (Answer at end of this post)

Ghosts, Gespenter, Spooky, Horror, Souls, CreepyMany times, we parent how we were parented.  It’s all we know.  But sometimes, we parent by doing the exact opposite of what we were given because it did not work for us as children, so we are actually reparenting our inner child, along with our current kids.  That’s not a great tactic.  It’s like your Ghost of (Your Nickname as a Kid) Past is hovering around your son or daughter.  Kinda creepy, huh?

Or, you may parent in the exact opposite of your partner.  Think Good Cop; Bad Cop.  Yes… you are actually using a strategy to get criminals to break.  Again, not the best way to roll.

I know I was raised with an Authoritarian father and a Permissive and Uninvolved mother.  It was not fun.  There were strict consequences for minor infractions from my dad with my mother trying to be the soft place to fall one my father was through.  It went into the realm of physical emotional abuse.  I’ve got CPTSD from my childhood.  As a result, I try not to be as “mean” and also try to be my children’s advocate.  But that also does not mean I overindulge or helicopter.  I try to find a balance.

My point to citing the article is to find out which parent you are and why to learn if you are on track for creating a well-adjusted child.  It can be insightful.

Make the 153Promise today by learning about your Ghosts of Parenting Past and Present so you can set up a great future for your children!

Kisses! XxXx

*#2!

Cell Phone Angst… and Challenge

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, Relationships, School, Uncategorized6 Comments

How old are your children?  When did they get — or do you plan to get them — cell phones?  Why?  Smartphone, Woman, Girl, Iphone, Apple Inc, Touch

I ask because I fail to see cell phones improving the quality of life in tweens and teens.  Rather, I only see anxiety and a giant paradox regarding cell phone communication: the more kids use their phones, the less connected they feel to the people with whom they are supposed to be communicating.

I’m going to put my Teacher Hat on for this post and speak from the perspective of the educator.  Here is what I am seeing during the school day:

  1. Texting each other the first and last few minutes of class.  About what, I can only guess, as I cannot legally go into their devices… (But YOU can… if you dare.)
  2. Taking “selfies” and/or “Snapchatting/Vining,” then obsessively checking to see how many “likes” they are getting.
  3. Increased requests to leave the class to “go to the bathroom” or “get a drink.”  Presumably to use their phones so they don’t get in trouble during class.  I can’t tell them no, but they are losing instruction time, as their trips are longer than necessary to sneak in a few more texts.
  4. More requests to text parents because they “forgot” something.  This irony is that the more they rely on texting parents, the less they need to communicate with their families BEFORE  and AFTER the school day is in session.
  5. Notifying me that they need to go to the office to pick up something… presumably because they just got a text saying their item from #4 was just dropped off.

(On my own time, I even saw a post on a Moms’ FB group asking what other mothers would do if they saw test answers on their kid’s phone!)

You may ask why I don’t just have a policy… I. DO.  So does the district.  But if/when I go to enforce it, I have been subject to major tantrums.  And this is not just from the students.  I have been accused of “stealing” property when I confiscate the cell phone, enforcing the policy, and then returning the phone at the end of the day.  I have been called a “train wreck” and was told that I “need mental help.”  There have been threats on my job and my life.  I have been the victim of theft to retaliate against me.  All because I have asked that phones are out of my classroom.  I have a thick skin, and administration supports me, so I just handle it like the strong human I am.  But what concerns me more are how the STUDENTS are actually suffering.

Some students are so dependent upon their phones that asking them to part with them for the 40 minutes I have them for class is almost impossible for them.  So I implore all parents…  Please do not contribute to the angst.  I am only asking for two things:

  1. Tell your kids that you do not want them using them during classes and if you get a report from their teacher that they were seen out, you will suspend them from their phone for a day… then week… then moth… then cancelled.
  2. Tell them that you will no longer be available to them DURING the school day. (Or if that’s not doable, at least only during their or your lunch for a one-time contact point to send or receive a communication.)  That means you’ll have to do a better job of planning rides, and they will not be able to have you run them forgotten items.
Portrait, Face, Pale, Expressive, Eyes, Nose, MouthBlame the teachers.  Blame your boss/job.  Or even tell them you are making the 153Promise to them that you want them to spend the school day concentrating on… school and not on social drama.  Explain to them that the more you rely on the cell phones, the more anxiety it actually causes because it’s no longer a communication device- it’s an enabling device that’s preventing them from developing good habits of planning, self-reliance, and security/trust among family members.
So I’m throwing out another challenge: enact the two rules above.  Just like the Bus Challenge, I am going to suggest that the more either you or your child balks at the “Phone Challenge,” the more you may need to add it to your lives.  I’d love to know who does it and how it goes!
Kisses!  XxXx

Hop on the Bus Challenge

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized6 Comments

Diversity, Happy, People, Young, SmileDo you let your children ride the bus???

I’m going to sound like the ‘uphill both ways’ generation, but when I was my children and students’ ages, I DID take the bus.  Sometimes, I had to lug a giant bass clarinet or bassoon case for a good ten minute walk to the bus stop.  It built character. 

The ONLY time I got a ride to school was for a broken leg in 7th grade because navigating the crutches on those giant steps was just too much for me.

I remember being in junior high and having to take the shuttle bus to the high school in order to get a ride home on the activities bus.  Let me tell you, being a 12 year old riding with a senior football player was scary!  But it built character.

Back then, it was a more hands-off approach to parenting.  You trusted the school to do your job when you gave them your kids.  Part of that meant riding the bus to school.

When did that stop happening?

There are cameras on the bus now.  Kids have cell phones that can record things, if stuff hits the fan… so why is that busses — that are paid with local tax dollars — are half empty, and the drop off line gets longer and longer?

If it’s to protect/shelter your children from certain stuff, I can understand that mentality, but I am going to suggest that it’s slightly misguided.  Things that happen on the bus to NOT magically disappear in the school.  Plus, it’s under surveillance, so it’s actually a pretty safe environment.

And IF something goes down on the bus, it’s an opportunity to talk about it with your child.  Therefore, to NOT let them ride the bus is actually PREVENTING them with real-life learning experiences.

My daughter rides the bus every day she is at our house. (She lives at her dad’s half the time.)  Sometimes we talk about the kids who ride with her and how to deal with it.  If I didn’t allow her that experience, I’d be robbing her of that opportunity to learn those skills.

After all, it’s NOT going to get any easier out in the “Real World;” why not practice now?

Just a few months ago, we were watching a movie together.  It was a more “adult,” though appropriate, film.  A few “ripe” words were tossed into the air.  I looked over at her and apologized and asked her if she’d like to stop the movie.

“It’s nothing I haven’t already heard on the bus,” she said, wiser than her then 9 old self.

So we talked about words and language and how it is a reflection of your character… How the people in the movie were depicted and the associations with those words are also associated with the people using them.  It was a good chat.  That never would have happened if I was a “drop-off parent.”

In conclusion, I am going to throw out a “Bus Challenge” to you: if you do not currently allow your kids to take the bus, give them the heads up TONIGHT that next week, they are going to take the bus!  Make the 153Promise to love your child by giving them the opportunity to face a situation, talk about it with you, learn a lesson, and develop as a person.  Chances are, the more they protest, the more they need to do it…

It builds character.

 

Tasting the Love

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, UncategorizedLeave a comment
Fruit, Plate, Dish, Appetizer, Healthy

The saying goes, You are what you eat.  Good nutrition is no longer a mystery.  We know what’s healthy and not… we just need the discipline to follow the guidelines.

So, it stands to reason that what your kids eat is reflective of you.  Is your love for them healthy?  Is it wholesome?  Think about what you are providing for them in the mornings and throughout the day.  Would you want your love for them to be judged by what they eat?  Are YOU what THEY eat???

Let’s take two different scenarios:

Student A- is seen eating a lunch at the cafeteria that consists of a peanut butter and banana sandwich for carbs, protein and fat, some fresh veggies for crunch and a homemade brownie for some sweetness at the end.  All washed down with a water bottle.  Breakfast was either some oatmeal and fruit, some yogurt and granola, or a bean and cheese tortilla eaten in home room.

Student B- has an energy drink in homeroom and is seen putting a second one in his backpack… for his lunch.

I’ve seen both of these scenarios.  I’ll leave you to make the inferences.

Which parent do you want to be?  Which associations do you want to be held responsible for?

By and large, most students do not do the shopping for the household…

Make the 153Promise next time you are at the grocery store by selecting items that make for healthy lunches and breakfasts.  That way, if you get in a rush and have to rely on a go-to faster, more convenient and less healthy alternative for dinner once and a while (I totally get that!), it’s not such a tragedy.  Two out three sure is better than a goose egg.

Next time you have a free moment with your children, sit them down and ask them what types of food they want for their breakfasts and lunch.  Explain that you are going to do an overhaul with their meal routines and you want them to have a say.  Make a date to go shopping together with that list (to avoid impulse purchases) and stick to it.

Getting a good night’s sleep the night before and putting in healthy fuel all day can be a great way to get their daily 153.  I’m willing to bet that after a few weeks of this adjustment, you’ll also be feeling their love from their better performance and attitudes.

BE what they eat.  Have them taste your love!

Kisses!  XxXx

 

Smooth Operator…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Saxophone, Child, Classical Music, SepiaWhen I think of this song by Sade, I hear her dulcet tones and sultry groove.  But I also think it’s a great backdrop to inspire having a calm start to your children’s day.

Leaving for school can be stressful, and this sets the tone for the rest of the day.  But a few strategies can make the morning more like a mellow jazz pop tune… and less death metal:

  1. Have your child pack his/her school bag the night before and place it in the same spot every evening.  That way, there’s no forgetting any homework for class.
  2. Do the same with sports equipment and all ride arrangements.  That way, there’s no, “Can I text my mom/dad/sibling about…” requests when teaching is supposed to be taking place.
  3. Plan lunches the night before.  It can actually be a nice ritual if there’s a fun bento-style lunch box and ready-made, healthy go-to items like baby carrots and apples; protein spreads like hummus, nut butters; string or cottage cheese; whole wheat pitas or tortillas…  What better way to make sure they’re getting good nutrition than to buy these at the store?
  4. If they get ready and off to school by themselves, have a designated spot for all signed forms, tests, etc…  That way, if your family are more like ships passing in the night, it makes communication easier.
  5. Have them choose their laundry the night before.  Then, if laundry is an issue, they can help you put in a load of wash when they get home and dry it in the evening… never a last-minute scavenger hunt to find something 5 minutes before leaving… or being late.
If your child is from a two household situation, it’s even MORE important to have this system in place, since all variables that can potentially add more stress doubles.
Make the 153Promise to keep your kids stress-free by putting a few of the above strategies into play.
Kisses!  XxXx

First Monday of 2016!

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

My school district is back to the classroom today.

Now that I’m officially into the swing of things for the new year of 2016, I’m going to begin my 153Promise list of the different ways to give your 153 Kisses-a-Day in the form of some positive parenting choices to foster good emotional and mental health.

Race, Children, Competition, SpeedIf your kids went back to school today, what was the scene?  Was it calm and relaxed, or was there a bunch of yelling, scrambling and stress?  What did they eat for breakfast?  DID they eat breakfast?  What’s on the schedule for after school?  When did they go to bed last night, and what time to they plan to go to bed tonight?  What’s for dinner?  Is there a plan to all sit down together, or is it catch as catch can?

As you go through (or went through, depending upon when you read this), your day today, think about the above questions and be mindful of all the decisions you make as a family that contributes to the overall atmosphere of your home life.

Make the 153 Promise every day to contribute to a peaceful household.

The first step to making these positive choices is to recognize when you are doing things that are NOT getting you the desired reactions you desire.

Make today’s 153 Promise to evaluate the climate of your family.

Tomorrow, I will begin to make posts about what you can do on a daily basis to bring some calm to the daily routines so your family can begin to enjoy more peaceful family moments.

Kisses! XxXx

It’s Never Too Late! Part One

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, Validation1 Comment

This is the companion post to “It’s Never Too Early.”

Yesterday, I had posted about making the commitment to love your child even before your child is born; you can begin to prepare to start the journey of “One Million Kisses” way before the birth of your child.  But what if that ship has said long ago and you already have a child- be it a toddler, teen or adult?  Today, I am focusing on how to start the “Kissing Kounter” TODAY and make the 153Promise to that person before you go to sleep tonight!

I’m not planning to use this site as a space to vent about my own personal issues, but this is a time where I think it’s important to use my life as an example: I grew up in dysfunction.  Granted, it wasn’t all bad- we had food and shelter.  We went to church on Sunday and out for dinner after.  My parents gave me music lessons and went to all of my concerts.  But I was not thriving.  I was not getting the kind of love I needed.  (I posted what my definition of love a few days ago… scroll down if you need.)

Here’s my childhood in a nutshell-

Mom and Dad constantly fought.  My dad was very demonstrative, and my mother was extremely submissive.  I’d witness him saying horrible things to her to the point where she’d cry.  When you are a little girl, your mother is your world.  You are an extension of her.  So if SHE’s crying, it’s like the universe is ending.

Once I got older, I became part of his wrath.  He’d work at his job (he never really told me what he did there), come home and go on a war path.  I remember hearing the gravel on the driveway pop underneath his tires and my mother saying to me, “Quick- your father’s home,” which basically meant “Don’t give your father a reason to yell.”  This meant scrambling to clean up the house in 30 seconds before he came though the door.  I have memories of my hair being yanked right out of my scalp as he led me around the house, rubbing my head in any items that were not put away.  Like a dog.  One image remains burned in my mind.  It was a wash cloth at the bottom of the shower.  I hadn’t wringed it up to dry.  I don’t know which was worse: my father bellowing my name as he shamed me, or my mother’s judgment when she said, “You think you’d learn by now.”

There’s many more instances I could site, but I think that’s enough to give you an idea of our home climate… And then I’d go to school…

Let’s just say that I was not one of the cool kids.  While my dad called me a jerk and a candy @$$ at home, my peers would bastardize my name so it had an unfortunate crude word in it.  My dad never bought me the cool clothes (a necessity in the yuppie 80s) and my mother used to cut my hair on the steps in the basement.  (Note to self- insert pictures of my awkward class pictures here.)  As a result of all of these social epic fails, I was at the bottom of the popularity food chain.  I was called “Freak.”  In fact, the greatest regret I have at that time period was the ONE time on the bus I was not the subject of teasing, I joined in on it.  So to the blonde-haired boy on the bus with me going to Fogelsville Elementary School in Orefield PA, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

My self esteem was on the floor.  All of this led to me being withdrawn.  It was a good day when I didn’t get noticed.  As a result, my grades began to suffer, despite me being in the “gifted/high potential” classes.  I was at the bottom of the top intellectually… It was a very weird experience.  I find myself wanting to chronicle all my pain, but I have to remember where all of this is going…

Cut to my senior year, right around this time- a few weeks before Christmas.  I had applied to college with no hopes of getting in.  (My father was a master at instilling fear.)  My 8 year old brother was also in the process of being diagnosed with leukemia- something I didn’t fully comprehend at the time.  At a result, I had a meltdown.  I had what can possibly be described as a temporary psychotic break.  I like to call it my “Freak of the Week.”  All my pent up anxiety came loose at once.  It’ll make for a great post one day!

A few months later, I was so depressed, I really didn’t care about living anymore.  I was in so much pain and I was so frustrated with my failed relationship with my parents, I just wanted to make some sort of statement to them.  I was angry, but I couldn’t possibly say anything because I had no voice at this point, so it had to be drastic.  I thought the best idea would be to kill myself so my suffering would be over, yet in a grand, poetic, ironic twist, their suffering would just begin.  My dad was a hunter, so he had guns.  I knew a shotgun would be clunky, so I went for the hand gun.  But before I actually went to do it, call it the Grace of God or just morbid curiosity, I went to the bathroom mirror just to see what my final moment of life would look like.

I realized that I looked REALLY stupid.  And then I realized that if I died, THEY would win.  I’d be dead, and they would survive.  So I made the decision that day to never give up on myself, even when the world certainly seemed to have given up on me.

Why am I telling you this?  Because despite ALL of that — plus more dramatic, dysfunctional crap I’ve had to deal with in my life — I have made peace with my father and we are okay.  We may not be super close, but we’re cool with each other.  Why?  Because it’s never too late.

*Next Post: How to start Day One of the 153Promise.