This is the third installment on my series of notes from the Stress Workshop I attended last week hosted by our school district…
Once the speaker, psychologist Lou Bevilacqua, defined stress and who gets it, he gave some basic tips on what to do.
First, he said the following strategies do NOT work:
and finally,
Positive or not, what your parents said to you over and over when you were growing up has a lasting effect.
It becomes a mantra –consciously or otherwise — and will manifest in your own parenting if not acknowledged.
A little memory exercise to recall what you heard as a kid might create some awareness in what you say to your own children.
The ones I heard were:
and then, the most confusing:
I make it my #153Promise ever day to not belittle my children and/or send them mixed messages. I love them. I appreciate them. I value them. Love should not bring shame, fear or guilt.
Please make it your #153Promise to examine the messages you send to you children. Ask them what they hear you say a lot. Make it during a calm time. Make them feel safe with their response.
It may just open your eyes… and ears.
-Kisses! XxXx
Did you know that a whopping 70% of the general public will experience a traumatic event, and of those who do, 20% go on to develop PTSD?
Children lack the proper coping mechanisms, so they are particularly vulnerable.
War is not the only way to get PTSD. Other traumatic events can include:
The key to not developing PTSD in the first place is to get immediate aftercare. But if that did not happen, it’s not too late to seek treatment for your child months or even years afterward.
Some of the symptoms of PTSD, according to the Mayo Clinic and WebMD re:
For students, these may also manifest as lowered grades or discipline problems at school.
Every child deserves to feel at peace and safe in their environment. You never know if something they experienced may have been recorded as a trauma in their brain and they need professional help to learn how to re-regulate their emotions.
If your child starts to begin to display any of the signs above, or if they or your family has experienced any of the major events listed above, please make the #153Promise to contact their guidance counselor and share your concerns.
They may need validation from someone who understands what they are going through.
-KissesXxXx
I thought I’d make a post about why my 3.5 year old son’s been saying about Jesus for the past few months.
Almost every night after I pick him up from preschool, we drive past a Catholic cemetery with a giant crucifix prominently light up at night. Once my son started noticing the statue, he asked who that was. When I told him, he responded from the back seat with his arms outstretched, proudly saying, “I’m Jesus, too!”
Then, just the other week, my son said, “Jesus is giving me a hug!”
Wow. I was raised Catholic. We went to church every Sunday. I attended Youth Group. I even was the Cantor for mass. In all those years, never ONCE did I ever think Jesus, with his arms outstretched, was giving me a hug; it was always about Jesus’ persecution and sacrifice.
A few days ago, my son then added a new perspective on Jesus when he exclaimed, “Jesus looks like a kite.” Okay… that’s getting waaaay out of the box, but I totally see how he came up with that… I can only imagine what Jesus is going to do next in the eyes of my son.
Now, every time I see Jesus on the cross, I think of how much Jesus loved us and wants us to have a relationship with God. (No matter what faith you are, Jesus’ teachings are clearly documented.)
And I now also associate Jesus with soaring freely, knowing that God’s love will support me in flight, but also keep me firmly grounded throughout my life.
Pretty deep lesson from a three year old.
I would have lost all of that if I did not Listen to what my son said, Observed what he saw, Validated his perspective and Empathized with his point of view so I could find the metaphors.
Make it your #153Promise today to approach your day-to-day activities with a fresh perspective… maybe from your own children’s.
Sometimes, you just need to look at the world through different lenses to see things more clearly.
-Kisses! XxXx
T minus four days and counting… The “holiday” that gets men in a panic and parents in a bind.
The internet is bursting with last minute ideas for “romantic” gifts. Dollar stores (thank God!) still have boxes of cards on their shelves. And adults everywhere are cursing Cupid.
But I’m kwel as a Kit Kat. Why?
Because I have no expectations. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
I tend to think that the more someone “needs” someone else to make a big deal over these special days, the more likely it is that that person has been ignored all year.
I’m not into a bipolar, feast or famine type of situation. I just want to feel appreciated on a daily basis. No need for fancy cards, flowers, or dinner to get my motor running. Know what turns me on? Coming home after a busy day to an empty sink and some folded laundry. Oh, yeah… Bow chick-a wow wow.
I was a Twelve-Stepper for a spell when I was working on my codependency issues, and I learned a great saying:
Expectations are just premeditated resentments.
It pretty much blew my mind. If I expect a certain person to act a certain way or do a certain thing, then I’m just setting myself up to be disappointed. However, I think the word “Passive” needs to be added at the start of the sentence.
Passive expectations are just premeditated resentments.
If I expect somebody to do something, but I don’t actively express to them my desires, I don’t think it’s fair to hold them hostage when they fail to read my mind.
So if you want to go out for dinner, tell your spouse. If you want your children to set the table, tell them. Then, after a while, they’ll do it on their own without you asking because they see how darn happy it makes you.
The same applies with my children. I’d rather them experience true happiness on a daily basis, rather than getting all worked up into a lather a few times a year. It says to me that they feel special every day.
Lorenz Hart (ironically) wrote “My Funny Valentine,” and his lyrics express this sentiment perfectly:
Your looks are laughable; unphotograph-able…
Yet you’re my favorite work of art….
Each day is Valentines’ Day.
Make it your #153Promise this Valentines’ Day to have low expectations and to actively express them.
Shoot an arrow right through the hype.
-Kisses! XxXx
Empathize!
At first, one may think it’s the same as Validate, but not so.
I like to think of it this way… Do you know that famous saying adopted from the Native American culture, “Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes”? Well, I am a very literal person, so that means that I STOLE their shoes! (Also meaning it’s impossible to know 100% what ANOTHER person must feel.) Instead, I like to think of it as:
“Walk down the PATH they’ve walked; then see how YOU feel.”
The moment I start doing that with my students, I develop a much better relationship with them. A kid doesn’t have their homework because they got home late from a swim meet and they were tired? I get it…. I now have a ten year old and I am now walking the walk. Sometimes, it just doesn’t get done.
It’s easier to do that to someone else’s kid because there’s the distance factor… But it’s really easy so say to our own family members, “I AM walking that path.“
But are you???
When was the last time you were smaller than everybody else? When was the last time you had almost ZERO control over your circumstances? When was the last time someone ELSE paid your rent/mortgage and held it against you? Or chose what you had to eat? Or wear?
Hmmmm…. kind of sounds like prison, right?
My point is not to start indulging our kids all the time; but maybe we should stop some times and try to feel their angst. Their pain. Their fear and frustration. Maybe then, we’ll be less likely to judge their actions if we understand what motivates them.
THEN, we can Validate them and work to find some common ground.
Make the #153Promise to Walk their Path.
-Kisses! XxXx
In order to begin to write this post, I “Googled” the word:
If Google gives an example using healthy families, I must be onto something.
I started to use validation as key to getting along with my very opinionated three year old son, and it’s made him so much happier. Me, too! Here’s just one example: vending machines at the YMCA. Kids like to slide quarters into those machines like my 91 year old aunt in Atlantic City. Almost every time I take him to the gym, I’ll get a, “I want-” with his current obsession- pretzels, animal crackers, chocolate wafers…
Instead of me saying, “No,” which logically would set him up to reply, “But, I WANT it,” I say, “Wow! They do look really tasty. I can see why you like them. I’d like some, too. Right now, I don’t have any quarters. But we do have them at home. How about I give you a snack of pretzels after we leave here… in about five minutes. Can you be a good boy and be patient to wait until then?” He always agrees to be a good boy. I make good on my promise. He now trusts me to validate his feelings… and they have never escalated since validating him.
It’s really an amazing shift to observe.
It’s tied in very closely to the “L” of Love, “Listen.”
Kids — and people in general — just want to know that they are being heard and valued. That’s it. It’s why wives resent it when their husbands try to fix their problems, when all they wanted was a sympathetic ear. It’s why tweens resort to whining. It’s why customer service stinks half the time. We just want to be validated that we have a right to our feelings.
Make the #153Promise to validate your children’s feelings. Let them know that even if you’re not willing to buy that outfit at the mall, you understand why they want it. And then work together to find an acceptable alternative to both sides, rather than just saying, “No… because I SAY so!” The last thing you want to do is shut them down. They’ll only resort to either being sneaky or going to someone else instead who “Gets” them.
Try it this weekend. Make the #153Promise to validate each one of your children at least once when you catch yourself wanting to say “No” and watch what happens.
Then validate ME by coming back and posting a comment about how it went!
-Kisses! XxXx
Yes- it’s Groundhog Day!
Maybe it’s because I grew up in Pennsylvania Dutch country, but February second was a BIG deal in my elementary school. I remember cutting out brown and green circles and assembling a construction paper masterpiece whereby Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his sleepy little hole to announce if we have to deal with six more weeks of winter. I even recorded a children’s album when I was a, well, child that explains it:
On February second, Mr. Groundhog will come out.
He’s been asleep all winter, now he wants to look about.
If he doesn’t see his shadow, he will stay outdoors, it’s clear.
‘Cause on February second, Mr. Groundhog will appear.
The mind’s an amazing thing.
There’s another reason I love Groundhog day: it’s the most underrated holiday… ever. Think about it: this little furry guy gets to decide if we’re in for six more weeks of crap weather — sleet, freezing rain, howling winds and snow; not to mention huge heating bills — or balmy, flower laced gentle breezes.
But I love it simply because even though it’s a deeply symbolic day that’s been reduced to a radio DJ’s content for one morning out of 365 days, it still remains, undefeated.
Growing up, *I* was an underdog. I was underestimated. I was made a spectacle by my peers. I was not given the respect I deserve. But I’m still here, undefeated.
So I’m here to shout out loud and proud that I LOVE YOU, PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL! YOU ARE MY HERO!
Make it your #153Promise today to stand up for the Groundhogs in your world. Let those Invisibles know that you value them. Give them the pride and dignity they deserve. Help an old lady across the street. Tie a little tyke’s shoelace. Buy a homeless person a cup of cocoa. Or stop what you’re doing for a moment when your child has been calling your name for the umpteenth time and listen to them. Better yet, YOU take the initiative to coax them out of their hole and ask them how they’re doing and to tell them about their day… and listen to them.
Even if there are six more weeks of winter, your heroic efforts may just keep you heart warm and toasty until Spring.
I’ve been on a roll regarding the topic of what’s passed down from parent to child, and this post is no different. I think it’s because I’m fascinated about how children develop and the role we as parents play in that process.
I’ve been a teacher, director and coach for over a decade and a half, so I’ve had interactions with thousands of kids ranged from 11 to 18. It’s amazing to me what kids:
It’s the third category I’m going to discuss in this post.
When kids know or don’t know facts, it’s my job as an educator to document these proficiencies or deficiencies and fill in the gaps with the content of my subject matter. Schools also are to model good behavior and positive character development: be polite; don’t bully; clean up before you leave… But it starts to get very dicey when a student professes a certain opinion and they are convinced that it is the “Truth.” What do I do with that? What do I do when that opinion may step on the toes of a certain population? And especially when I suspect they have adopted that opinion from their parents?
The media bombards our senses with a skewed representation of reality masquerading as fact. I think many adults know by know that Fox News is slanted to the Right, for example. And we tend to gravitate to the media’s spin that confirms our own pre-existing bias. But young people are not that savvy.
What we need to understand that WE as parents are “the media” to our children. They look up to us and respect us (whether or not they eat their vegetables, clean their room, or expect “No” for an answer). So what spin are we putting onto their young, malleable minds?
It becomes very obvious during election years. When a 12 year old begins talking about immigration or terrorists and what to do with “those” people, he/she is getting that from somewhere… and unless they have CNN feeds downloaded onto their tablet/ipod/cell phone, chances are, they are picking up on your political views.
I’m not about to step in and micro-manage your dinner table conversation (hopefully you are having them), but I do ask you to make the 153Promise to realize that whatever you say, your children will absorb and repackage in their own way.
Have you discussed Caitlin Jenner? Donald Trump? The Pope? Syria? Are your children around? What messages are they internalizing? Is it age appropriate and fair for them to have those ideas in their head? How are they fitting your political opinions into their understanding of the world?
Opinions may not be genetic, but they are definitely inherited. Consider making the 153Promise to give your children a fair and balanced view on topics so they can sort it out on their own. Or if it’s too much for them to handle, you may want to censor yourself in the future.
Like it or not, your kids will go into school parroting what you say at home. What do you want coming out of their mouths? Is it true? Is it kind? Do they know the difference between fact verses your opinion?
What “Parenting Media” do you want your children to inherit?
Kisses! XxXx
There many ways to categorize the different parenting styles. I remember learning about them back (many!) years ago when I was in college, taking my education and psychology courses.
Then I stumbled upon this article today and was surprised that the theory remains intact.
The four are:
NOTE: I am going to add a 5th… Overinvolved. They are the helicopters. “Because I said so.” Only this is said to other ADULTS, rather than the child. I don’t have an example from TV since it seems to be a fairly new phenomenon and I don’t watch television.
Can you guess which style is recommended by professionals? (Answer at end of this post)
Many times, we parent how we were parented. It’s all we know. But sometimes, we parent by doing the exact opposite of what we were given because it did not work for us as children, so we are actually reparenting our inner child, along with our current kids. That’s not a great tactic. It’s like your Ghost of (Your Nickname as a Kid) Past is hovering around your son or daughter. Kinda creepy, huh?
Or, you may parent in the exact opposite of your partner. Think Good Cop; Bad Cop. Yes… you are actually using a strategy to get criminals to break. Again, not the best way to roll.
I know I was raised with an Authoritarian father and a Permissive and Uninvolved mother. It was not fun. There were strict consequences for minor infractions from my dad with my mother trying to be the soft place to fall one my father was through. It went into the realm of physical emotional abuse. I’ve got CPTSD from my childhood. As a result, I try not to be as “mean” and also try to be my children’s advocate. But that also does not mean I overindulge or helicopter. I try to find a balance.
My point to citing the article is to find out which parent you are and why to learn if you are on track for creating a well-adjusted child. It can be insightful.
Make the 153Promise today by learning about your Ghosts of Parenting Past and Present so you can set up a great future for your children!
Kisses! XxXx
*#2!
A "Trauma-Free Parenting" Initiative 