Tag: family

“A Long Line of… Xs and Ys?” Hereditary Vs Genetic

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Parenting, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Poker, Playing, King, Ace, Game, Gambling, Card, HeartsIt takes a lot of introspection and a lot of ego-busting, but take a good, realistic, look at your kids.  What are they like?  Polite?  Kind?  Social?  Withdrawn?  Unruly?  Nasty?  Patient?  Short-tempered?  Flexible?  Anxious?

How did they get that way?  Most likely, it was from you.  Either from Nature (biologically) or Nurture (environmentally).  Sometimes, that line between the genes and the surroundings can get very perforated.

Many behaviors are hereditary… but that doesn’t mean it’s DNA related.  Let me explain…

First off, I must put a disclaimer: I am not a scientist.  But that does not mean what I am about to say is untrue.  In fact, I may be a very good person to be talking about the topic, since I can discuss it in very simple terms and not get too technical.  And if there are any scientists out there reading this post, by all means, back me up!

Some traits people have are genetic- passed down in DNA from the biological parents.  Babies are born that way.  Eye color, general body size, certain diseases or conditions like Downs Syndrome or cystic fibrosis… all these conditions are present at birth and are out of the person’s control.  A child adopted into a different family will not change the fate of these characteristics.

Then, there are certain traits that are fostered into a child: a good work ethic, cleanliness, organization skills… they can be taught.  Any skills that can be learned are usually not present at birth.  Granted, I am oversimplifying here.  But let’s use something like the model for a healthy relationship as an example.

People will tend to pick a potential partner for themselves that is a lot like the dynamics they witnessed growing up because that was the model shown to them.  Even though it may not be a good example, people become attracted to it because it feels like home.  I’ve mentioned before that my parents had a dysfunctional relationship.  As a result, I picked very bad people to get involved with up until I was about 36 (the magical number of years where a child has now spent just as much time away from their familial influence).

So if you identify patterns in your life that are not necessarily medically linked to your parents, look at the patterns in THEIR lives… then your grandparents’ lives…  Chances are, something was passed down from generation to generation that was not genetic, yet you inherited those traits.

College is another good example.  If your parents went to college, chances are, you will too.  And if you came from working class people, you most likely will go into the trade or family business or your parents.

But  there is no gene to my knowledge for picking a career or relationship.

Now that you can recognize that distinction, I think it’s important not to give too much credit to the gene pool.  Yes, you do get what you get by the roll of the Xs and Ys…  However, its crucial to admit that a lot of who we are is due to our environment.

True, science may have found certain genes LINKED to obesity or alcoholism.  However, look at the lifestyles the parents lead.  Parents who buy healthy food and model an active lifestyle usually do not have overweight kids.  I may have a gene linked to alcohol abuse, but if my parents never drank, that switch may never get turned on…  Conversely, I may have the intellectual potential to have a very high IQ, but if my parents never read to me or deprived me of stimulation at an early age, I will never fully reach my potential.

(I probably just stepped in it… right. about. now.)

My point is to be very careful how you view the mentality of “A chip off the old block” or “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”  If it’s out of pride, then by all means, take credit that you’ve got a “Mini Me.”

But if you are under the illusion that your child is destined to suffer the same fate as you, make the 153Promise to challenge that view.  Is your child bad at math because of some genetic aversion to numbers, or did they pick it up because they asked you for help and you said, “I’ve never been good at it, either.”

Is your child fated to be anxious because you were diagnosed with a genetic disorder, or is it that they learned from you that the world is scary because you are anxious… and so was your mother or father…  Or maybe you yell at them a lot, so they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop… Or both.

Make the 153Promise to see what “long line of” whatever your family comes from, and examine WHY you think that is.  If in doubt, ask your family doctor and if they don’t know, ask them for the name of a geneticist to learn whether or not you can change your child’s pattern of behaviors.

Give your children every opportunity to succeed, regardless of their chromosomes.

You may not be able to control the cards they were dealt, but you can help them play their hand to the best of their advantage.  And if you were never taught those skills, seek out someone who knows better than you.  Go or your child’s guidance counselor or pediatrician for support.

What “Long Line” do you want your children to come from???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Kind of Mistakes Are You Willing to Stand By?

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Drip, Milk, Pour, Liquid, FoodI’d like to build upon yesterday’s post about parenting styles.

It’s not as easy as checking one box and moving forward.  We are human beings, and we can’t be lumped into all one category- there’s bleed over from one style to another.

Similarly, there’s times in life where a person could actually benefit from an Authoritarian upbringing (military) or Permissive (artist).

And of course, we are all human, so we may try as hard as we can, but we’re bound to make mistakes.  Even the most balanced, kind-yet-firm Authoritative parent may have a short fuse one day, and snap.  They most likely will apologize to the child afterward, but what if that child’s memory bank stores THAT moment as one of the top moments in their recall?

Let’s face it: no matter how hard we try, we have to reconcile that when our kids grow up, they most likely will realize that our parenting played a crucial role in who they are.  And since nobody’s perfect, they also will most likely credit us with their shortcomings.

So the big question is: what mistakes are you willing to make?

We all know the saying, “There’s no use crying over spilt milk.”  Yes, it’s true that once a mistake is made, perseverating over the issue will not clean it up.  But first, you must acknowledge that there is a mess to clean up.  Then you grab a sponge and move forward.

Today, make the 153Promise to really take a good, long look at your children and how they are turning out.  Pay attention to how they react to a variety of circumstances and be really honest- do I stand by my kids’ behavior?  Are they are great example of my parenting so far?  Is there any “spilt milk” I need to clean up in my parenting?

Over the weekend, I plan to post about the role we play in our children’s personalities.

Kisses!  XxXx

 

 

Ghosts of Parenting Past and Present

On By JenniferOzgurIn Parenting, Uncategorized2 Comments

Aygul Barieva, Tatar, Artists, Family, Parents, ChildThere many ways to categorize the different parenting styles.  I remember learning about them back (many!) years ago when I was in college, taking my education and psychology courses.

Then I stumbled upon this article today and was surprised that the theory remains intact.

The four are:

  1. Authoritarian- they are the dictators.  “Because I said so!”  Think That 70’s Show.
  2. Authoritative- they rule with firm but kind hand.  “You broke the rules, so here are the consequences.”  Think Leave It To Beaver.
  3. Permissive- They are the best friend.  “Whatever you want, Honey Bunny.” Think Marge from The Simpsons
  4. Uninvolved- They are detached.  “*crickets chirping*”  Think Married with Children

NOTE: I am going to add a 5th… Overinvolved.  They are the helicopters.  “Because I said so.”  Only this is said to other ADULTS, rather than the child.  I don’t have an example from TV since it seems to be a fairly new phenomenon and I don’t watch television.

Can you guess which style is recommended by professionals?  (Answer at end of this post)

Ghosts, Gespenter, Spooky, Horror, Souls, CreepyMany times, we parent how we were parented.  It’s all we know.  But sometimes, we parent by doing the exact opposite of what we were given because it did not work for us as children, so we are actually reparenting our inner child, along with our current kids.  That’s not a great tactic.  It’s like your Ghost of (Your Nickname as a Kid) Past is hovering around your son or daughter.  Kinda creepy, huh?

Or, you may parent in the exact opposite of your partner.  Think Good Cop; Bad Cop.  Yes… you are actually using a strategy to get criminals to break.  Again, not the best way to roll.

I know I was raised with an Authoritarian father and a Permissive and Uninvolved mother.  It was not fun.  There were strict consequences for minor infractions from my dad with my mother trying to be the soft place to fall one my father was through.  It went into the realm of physical emotional abuse.  I’ve got CPTSD from my childhood.  As a result, I try not to be as “mean” and also try to be my children’s advocate.  But that also does not mean I overindulge or helicopter.  I try to find a balance.

My point to citing the article is to find out which parent you are and why to learn if you are on track for creating a well-adjusted child.  It can be insightful.

Make the 153Promise today by learning about your Ghosts of Parenting Past and Present so you can set up a great future for your children!

Kisses! XxXx

*#2!

Smooth Operator…

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Saxophone, Child, Classical Music, SepiaWhen I think of this song by Sade, I hear her dulcet tones and sultry groove.  But I also think it’s a great backdrop to inspire having a calm start to your children’s day.

Leaving for school can be stressful, and this sets the tone for the rest of the day.  But a few strategies can make the morning more like a mellow jazz pop tune… and less death metal:

  1. Have your child pack his/her school bag the night before and place it in the same spot every evening.  That way, there’s no forgetting any homework for class.
  2. Do the same with sports equipment and all ride arrangements.  That way, there’s no, “Can I text my mom/dad/sibling about…” requests when teaching is supposed to be taking place.
  3. Plan lunches the night before.  It can actually be a nice ritual if there’s a fun bento-style lunch box and ready-made, healthy go-to items like baby carrots and apples; protein spreads like hummus, nut butters; string or cottage cheese; whole wheat pitas or tortillas…  What better way to make sure they’re getting good nutrition than to buy these at the store?
  4. If they get ready and off to school by themselves, have a designated spot for all signed forms, tests, etc…  That way, if your family are more like ships passing in the night, it makes communication easier.
  5. Have them choose their laundry the night before.  Then, if laundry is an issue, they can help you put in a load of wash when they get home and dry it in the evening… never a last-minute scavenger hunt to find something 5 minutes before leaving… or being late.
If your child is from a two household situation, it’s even MORE important to have this system in place, since all variables that can potentially add more stress doubles.
Make the 153Promise to keep your kids stress-free by putting a few of the above strategies into play.
Kisses!  XxXx

Good Night and Good Rest

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Bedroom, Bed, Alarm Clock, Night TableOne of the best ways to insure that your children have a good day is to make sure they have a good night… of sleep.

It may sound obvious, and there are tons of sleep studies that link a good night’s rest to improved performance, but do you know how many hours of quality sleep your child is getting?

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The National Sleep Foundation suggests that the average teenager get 8-10 hours of sleep a night; younger students 9-11.

That’s a lot more doable for an elementary school student with the later opening.  But if your high schooler’s homeroom is at 7:30 am, presuming they get up at 6, that means that they really ought to be in bed — and asleep — by nine pm… ten at the latest.

With today’s tight schedules, that may sound impossible.  But rather than falling into an “all or nothing” mentality, try for “as much as possible.”

That means if a Sunday through Thursday ten hours a night is not going to happen due to outside activities, your family may need to re-examine priorities so if something has to give, it’s not going to be sleep.

Here are a few suggestions I’ve come up with to give your children the best chance at waking up well-rested and ready to perform at their personal best:

  1. Limit extracurricular activities as much as possible as not to cut into sleep time.
  2. Have a set evening ritual- same time; same “power down” routine.
  3. Tighten up the morning routine so they can sleep in as late as possible.  (This is going to be a future post.)
  4. Support them in time management and study skills so they are not up late at night cramming for that test or slapping together that paper or project at the last minute.
  5. When they go to bed, take their cell phones and laptops… BOTH the devices AND the users need to be fully charged for the next day!
  6. No caffeinated products after three.
  7. No naps.  They only enable staying up later.  If they *must* take a refresher break, they should take a “Power Nap”, then get a glass of water, and do a little light aerobic activity for ten minutes like taking a walk around the block.  It will give them a boost of energy without delaying bedtime.
  8. Power down and reduce screen time an hour before bedtime if possible.  The blue light from screens is known to affect sleep patterns.
  9. If possible, keep the bed room for sleeping and have other conducive areas for work-related activities.  That way, the association of slumber will come with those four walls.
  10. Establish and keep a peaceful atmosphere in the evening.

I realize that all of these suggestions are the ideal in a perfect world, but if you make the 153Promise to aspire to achieve as many as possible, your children will reap the benefits all day from a good night’s sleep the night before.

Kisses! XxXx

First Monday of 2016!

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

My school district is back to the classroom today.

Now that I’m officially into the swing of things for the new year of 2016, I’m going to begin my 153Promise list of the different ways to give your 153 Kisses-a-Day in the form of some positive parenting choices to foster good emotional and mental health.

Race, Children, Competition, SpeedIf your kids went back to school today, what was the scene?  Was it calm and relaxed, or was there a bunch of yelling, scrambling and stress?  What did they eat for breakfast?  DID they eat breakfast?  What’s on the schedule for after school?  When did they go to bed last night, and what time to they plan to go to bed tonight?  What’s for dinner?  Is there a plan to all sit down together, or is it catch as catch can?

As you go through (or went through, depending upon when you read this), your day today, think about the above questions and be mindful of all the decisions you make as a family that contributes to the overall atmosphere of your home life.

Make the 153 Promise every day to contribute to a peaceful household.

The first step to making these positive choices is to recognize when you are doing things that are NOT getting you the desired reactions you desire.

Make today’s 153 Promise to evaluate the climate of your family.

Tomorrow, I will begin to make posts about what you can do on a daily basis to bring some calm to the daily routines so your family can begin to enjoy more peaceful family moments.

Kisses! XxXx

New Year; New Tradition?

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I woke up with this idea for my New Year’s Day post…

My grandparents are 89 and 97.  After than many years on Earth, you amass a lot of great stories.  One of my favorites is what I like to call “The Bean Bowl.”

archaeology.JPGMy grandparents are pretty amazing people.  Grandpop was an organic research chemist and Grammy met him when she was a lab assistant.  They both got into archeology and amassed quite a collection.  As a result, their basement was practically a museum.  Seriously.  When they went into a nursing home a few years ago, they donated about 80% of their collection to the Pennsylvania state museum in Harrisburg.

Among the arrowheads, pottery and other artifacts was this one glass fishbowl.  It contained about two inches’ worth of pink spotted beans in the bottom.  When I was a kid, I asked him what it was all about.  “I’ll tell you when you are older,” he said.

Once I had made him a great-grandfather, I asked him again about the bowl of beans.  I guess he figured I could handle the story he was about to tell:

When I married your grandmother, a bunch of my scientist buddies at the lab had a bachelor party for me.  Towards the end of the night, they gave me a present.  When I opened it up, it was this fish bowl and a bag of dried beans.

They explained to me that I should put it on my night stand and after your grandmother and I got married, I was to put a bean in the bowl every time we had marital ‘relations’ until the end of our honeymoon phase (two years).

For the rest of our marriage, I was to then take a bean OUT of the bowl for the same reason.

My colleagues warned me that for the rest of my life, I would never be able to empty the bowl… And that’s how they prepared me for matrimony!

We both laughed.

I then went to my grandmother and asked her if she knew the significance of the Bean Bowl.  She shook her head.  I asked my grandpop if I could tell her and he said okay.  I retold the story (mainly to make sure I got it right) and at the punch line, she just laughed and pinched him on the arm.

It’s one of the more special memories I have with them.  Partly because it was just the three of us, partly because it’s such a clever gift and partly because it was a rite of passage that I could be in that circle.

Why am I telling “The Bean Bowl” story on New Year’s Day?  Because as off-color as the anecdote may be, it’s really about keeping tabs on a situation- a physical representation of the status of things.

Kidney Beans, Beans, Dry, Legumes, Pulses, Bowl

 

So I’m thinking of stealing the Bean Bowl and adapting it to our family.  We can put a bean into the bowl for every good thing our children do- chores; being sweet to each other; helping others.  And we’d take a bean out for the infractions- forgetting to do homework; stretching the truth; a messy room…

I’m inviting you to make the Bean Bowl a part of your 153Promise in your household.  It can serve as a light-hearted reminder to make good choices as a family.  You might even put a line on the side as a goal and a reward is enjoyed by all once your family gets enough beans.

It’s certainly more versatile than a swear jar, and it’s a lot easier to keep track of than a fancy chart.  Plus, there’s the added benefit of it being one communal bowl.

And imagine the look on their faces when you explain to them the origin of “The Bean Bowl” when they are old enough.

Just remember that the originators are Benny and Doris.

-Kisses!  XxXx

Top Five; Bottom Five List of 2015

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, UncategorizedLeave a comment

harold-933746_1920New Year’s Eve comes with tons of Top Ten Lists, ranging from the noteworthy to the nobody cares.  Some include:

  • Best Albums
  • Biggest News Story
  • Worst Dressed
  • Most Sensational Internet moment

I figure there must be some insight to making a list of the highlights of the year, so I thought it might do me some good in applying it to my own life.  But ten of anything seemed a bit of an overkill, if not pretentious.

Therefore, I am going to dived the ten into two palatable lists of five.

Feel free to do try this experiment with your own life.  Categories can include, but are not limited to:

  • Family
  • Romantic Relationships
  • Career
  • Travel
  • Personal Growth
  • Health
  • Finances
  • Goals
  • Accomplishments/Major Awards (A Christmas Story, anyone?

So without any further ado (or adieu, since it is farewell to 2015)…

Top Five

  • My daughter going to States for her first year in competitive gymnastics
  • My husband becoming a U.S. citizen
  • My son going to day care/preschool
  • My news that a publisher wants to turn my poem into a book
  • Getting a really awesome and supportive principal at my school

Bottom Five

  • Smashing my tailbone in a bowling alley and needing an ambulance
  • Getting sepsis
  • Getting Lyme Disease six weeks later
  • Discovering a growing sink hole right next to our property
  • Realizing that my grandparents’ health is failing

Did I learn anything?  I guess that I am really blessed and even though I did experience a few low patches, life keeps plugging along and I’m really enjoying the ride!

I encourage you to make your Top and Bottom Five list, too.  And as you do, you may want to make today’s 153Promise to put a positive spin on this past year with an optimistic outlook for the year to come.

Happy New Year.

Many Kisses!  -XxXx

A Real Christmas Miracle

On By JenniferOzgurIn Health, Love, UncategorizedLeave a comment

It’s Christmas Eve Day.  Kids are out of school; there are last minute shopping for stocking stuffers; cookies are laid out, and presents go under the tree for tomorrow morning.

Little ones will wake up super early, eager to rip open their gifts.

Some even go to church.

Before I get too deep into my post, I submit to you one of my favorite clips of the holidays:

I try not to speak too much about faith on this blog because that subject can get very touchy due to all the perversions of the beliefs in all the different world religions.  However, I think it’s appropriate today, given all the expectations of tonight and tomorrow.  But first, I think it’s only fair that I tell you a little bit about who I am so you have a little perspective on the woman who’s writing this Christmas Miracle post…

I am Muslim.  I converted (some prefer the term ‘reverted’) when I got married to my husband several years ago.  I thought it was important to have a united front as a family.  His whole family is wonderful and they all live the true Islamic way.  They love God (Allah) and have shown me more love since meeting me a few years ago than I’ve experienced my whole life by my family of origin.

Before that, I was studying Buddhism.  (I still do.)  Before that, I was not much of anything.  Before that, I was a hard core Catholic.  Like, leading the Sunday mass as a cantor in high school Catholic.  My journey has had many twists and turns, but my path right now has me wearing a scarf.  (I suppose when I decide to commit to something, I really embrace it.)

People see the scarf and make all kinds of assumptions.  People think I’m oppressed, crazy, brainwashed, a terrorist…  all those great media-perpetuated stereotypes.  People somehow think Islam is the Anti-Christian religion.  As a result, I feel like I need to go out of my way to really get into the holiday spirit, just to show that Muslims are not some Godless group.  I’m sure most of the general public would be shocked to learn that we “believe” in Jesus- he’s in the Qur’an.  He was born of the Virgin Mary.  He traveled and preached the Word of God.  He was prosecuted for his teachings, and he will come back at the end of days as the Messiah.  The main departure is that Muslims do not concede that Jesus is God, and that he did not die on the cross for our sins.  But many surveys have been conducted asking self-proclaimed Christians if they believe that Jesus is the only way to everlasting life, and the numbers are in the teens.

I could go on and on about the topic of the faiths and how they are observed, but in short, I am NOT anti-Christmas.  When people ask me if I “celebrate” Christmas, I have to really gage how they ask it.  Are they worried about offending me?  Are they asking about Islam?  Is it just a passive aggressive poke?  So to answer, while I do not acknowledge Christmas as a day to give praise to the birth of God incarnate, yes, I do observe that this is the time to recognize the birth of Jesus.

It’s also the time of the winter solstice and the new calendar year.

So do I decorate for the season?  Yes.  In fact, we’re the only house on the block with religious decorations!  (We have an light up angel hanging off our porch banister.)

Do I give gifts of affection when we visit relatives over winter break?  Yes.  We have pictures of our son sitting on Santa’s lap (taken for free at the YMCA).  In Turkey, Santa is called “Noel Baba” and in fact, the original St. Nicholas is from Turkey!  You see him and decorated trees in Turkish malls this time of year.

In short, do I participate in the wide-spread secularism of Christmas?  Like most of the general public, yes.  But our household keeps it low key for two reasons:

  • we truly embrace what Christmas is all about and treat the true meaning with respect
  • we are trying to teach our children moderation and not buy into the sense of greed and entitlement of the season.

I held this position even before I met my now husband.  I’ve always thought that Jesus has been lost along the way and capitalism has taken over.  Sad on all accounts.  In that sense, Charlie Brown and I are of the same mind.

So my point is that I’d love to see some Christmas Miracles tonight and tomorrow… if you celebrate Christmas, please take your children to church.  Pray to God for peace on Earth.  Think of Jesus and what he preached during his 33 years.  Listen to the sermon of your spiritual leaders.  Hopefully, he or she will remind the congregation that we are all brothers and sisters in the eyes of God.

And when your children begin with the Gimmie-gimmies, pause for a moment to give them a reality check about where their hearts are Christmas morning.  In that sense, a little Buddhist mindfulness would be a great addition amongst the boxes and bows.

What prompted me to make this post?

I was on the elliptical at the Y yesterday, and this came on the machine:

Perfect timing, ironically.  Just as the story of the angel of the Lord sends word to Mary that she will be giving birth to Jesus, an Angel from Hell comes to a woman and tells her that, “You don’t just deserve to be happy; it’s your birthright.”

Really???

That sense of entitlement is exactly what is wrong with our society.

Yes, I am Muslim.  And I am going to truly observe the meaning of Christmas by humbly praying to God that parents everywhere — no matter what faith — make the 153Promise to their families by teaching their children to be thankful for everything that they have.  Gifts are not just the items under the tree.  Gifts are everywhere: your home, your working body parts, your bosses or teachers, your relatives…

It’s my prayer that Christmas Miracles of appreciation are in the air… no just tonight and tomorrow, but all year around.

That’s how this Muslim observes Christmas.

Kisses.  XxXx.

 

 

 

 

Congratulations, All New Fiances… Now What???

On By JenniferOzgurIn Love, RelationshipsLeave a comment

A colleague of mine came into school yesterday with some new bling.  She and her boyfriend have been dating for seven years and they’ve been discussing marriage; even to the point of looking at houses.  So she knew “The Day” was coming… just not when.

As it turns out, he was being stealthy, planning something before the holidays.  Nice.  She was truly surprised and she showed me the great photos- complete with rose petals and the backdrop of Central Park.

I told her that she would be the inspiration for my post today, since I figure that a lot of proposals would be happening this holiday week.

I know it’s tempting to rush out and get wedding planning books, bride magazines, and begin calling around to find just the right venue.  However, I am going to strongly suggest the FIRST item you buy is this great book:

Cover art

There’s also a workbook that comes along with it you can buy.  It’s well written — intelligent but digestible — and if you like his stuff, he’s got many more books about marriage, parenting, and emotional intelligence.

Because while the trappings of a wedding can be very seductive, once all the cake has been eaten and people finally take your “Save the Date” postcard magnet off the fridge, you’re left with this person you married.

The topic of how to raise children may not be the first thing couples talk about when deciding whether or not to tie the knot, but it’s important to keep in mind why your are making this commitment… presumably to have a family and create a stable environment for your children.

So to all those people who’ve popped or been popped to… Congratulations!

Now make the 153Promise to each other and your future family by digging a solid foundation to the life you are seeking to build.